It's Starting To Get Dead Here

As simply as the title implies... I guess this blog might as well proclaimed dead. Many dramatic events had just recently passed by, yet I was really too lazy to blog it all down. For one, I'm still not in NS yet. Yeah... bummer. Instead it has been rescheduled to 3rd of june instead le. I wonder what it truely means... For things all happen for a reason I'm sure... So for now... My days are spent training every single day twice as hard as before so that the delayed enlistment at least suits meaning.

I looked back at some incident of the past and I just wonder what the hell went through my mind at that point of time. Maybe it's just me... but sometimes people do things under weird circumstances that totally defies who they usually are. I start to quiz then which is truely the real person underneath the many onion layers overlying. If history was changed... would it be as it is today? Maybe not necessarily for the worst but also it could be worst. Who knows. (As someone I know said before that... All this is wishful thinking because everyone knows that time cannot be altered)

The stab of a levels results still pricks at me whenever it is brought up. I know Ns and uni would be a new life, but for now it still hurts. =/// Envious of some people... But then, I also can't do much abt it so it is in my heart. In Uni everyone is like so smart, and I start to ponder if I would sink or float. Maybe all my life I have been in a small pond and now I face the ocean. I just know I want to succeed. So I really wish... there would be no more distractions and I can achieve the future of my dreams...

Being Evil Doesn't Pay

So I was inspired by this evil queen who seemed so cool with all the power in the world and the ability to kill anyone without any restraint. But I quickly come to realise that being evil feels bad. I played this realistic rpg game and decided to make evil decisions at every turn and in the end my entire group abandoned me and betrayed me. The person I love in the game was terribly upset with the evil decisions I made and resented me. Though it was a game... It felt so real. At least the feelings were real inside me. I really felt very sad and disappointed in myself. So I've decided that for as long as we live we should never be evil. Even if it means having awesome authority or powers or whatever the case. Maybe we need to reconsider every move we make, becuz the ends might not justify the means as which to reach it.

NS is coming in just a mere 2 days and I am ever so anxious. I have desires and visions of glory and pride. But ever so embarrassed to admit it because everybody would probably laugh at me for having dreams. So I shall tell myself to move on no matter how hard things get. That when the going gets tough I wanna not be tougher but just strong enough to stay alive at all cost. I want to shape an iron will and face fear in the eye. Learn the art of socialising with other people and get a chance to try to prove something. If to make a point you have to go and spend 2 years then so be it. Seriously I'm tired of some ppl and their words of hurt which probably they are unaware that they dish out. But it's okay... becuz they probably dun mean it or thought it affects me but nvm. One day... I'm going to grow up and make the big bucks I dream about and live the dream I have. I always want to be white... the colour that is not influenced by others no matter what. But yet still makes ppl want to put color on it...

Mother of Pearl

Day 2 of utter discomfort... arghh... It's bloated tummy today. Whoopeee... I wonder what illness would be coming tomorrow. I can't wait! NOT!!! zzzzz It's sheer torture to wake up every single day feeling absolutely like dying. Can't sleep well nowadays as I count the remaining days that I have before I go to my seaside-view resort where all the bugs are mutated and the sun is hotter than summer Hawaii. =.=

Really... I have nothing against NS at all. Neither do I hate it nor want to bail on it. It's just that, as the days grow ever so near I can't help having my intestines all knoted up and my hyperactive imagination surely does not help to alleviate the symptoms. I wonder if I am emotionally, physically and mentally fit to enter into this phase called NS T.T I'm constantly surrounded by female friends... so NS probably would be an extreme change of scenery. Think a polar bear in the middle of the Kalahari desert and that would give you a rough idea. =/=

Ok... but let's try to solve one challenge at a time. I want to solve the physcial challenge first and that starts off with the bio-clock. I really need to rid myself of insomnia and sleep early. Get used to the daily wake up early and go to bed early routine, and not this late-night owl rountine which I've been currently adopting. I need to beef up my immune system so that I dun keep getting sick everyday like I am now... hai...

I wish it wouldn't have came so soon... becuz I thought i was ready... But I'm still scared afterall... =X

Sick and Sick Again...

Just recovered from a high fever and I find myself waking up to a new ailment today. I wonder what is with my weak constitution nowadays. Today I woke up feeling dizzy somehow. When I close my eyes I literally feel the world spinning around me and it made me incredibly nauseaus as I felt that I was getting sea sick on land. To make matters worst, on my own bed.

I had my breakfast of a chicken burger bought yesterday. I thought it tasted a little sour but just dismissed it. But never did I know it would be a costly price to pay. About an hour after that breakfast I started feeling more nauseaus than ever. I started taking trips to the bathroom to puke for I felt terrible. I tried sleeping but then when I close my eyes the world would spin and I felt all the more like vomitting. I felt extremely uncomfortable and the worst was as much as I had this feeling of disgust I was also feeling hungry. But whatever I ate I puked... So no point eating. I just felt immensely horried =/////

I wonder what is with my body these days. I get sick so easily. And my ailments neverending. After recovering from an illness I find myself in a new one. It's as if I'm going to go through all the sickness in one big rollercoaster ride. A flu, a cold, a cough, nauseau and now food poisoning. I dare not think what is to come next for me... I really feel so sick... =X

Counting The Days to Come

It's a long time since I last posted anything. Would consider this a dead blog if not updating now. Times are moving rather quickly now. No... perhaps time had always moved as it does now. But when big things are impending it always gives people this delusion. It's almost time to fulfill my patriotic duty. Which somehow starts to give me knots in the belly. I was thinking maybe NS isn't going to be as great as I expected.

I mean sure, they have seaside views and three meals catered for. There would also be constant lookout to ensure you are safe and in order... etc etc But let's face facts that these are no accomodations for a first class beach resort. No! They are rather the shackles of my freedom at least for the next two years, and my trip away from home. Something which I wished for but is now getting nervous to have my wish come true.

The dramatics of life I suppose. A neverending lineup of 'extraordinary' events of a storybook titled the laughs and sobs of zhaomian. I'm starting to train for NS now... Quite happy I've released some shackles of my own body. And yes... I've managed to lose some of those stubborn pounds, but nevertheless that in itself is a neverending war I wage with my biochemistry.

I've been getting feelings of dread as we grow older. It's as if life such got a whole lot complicated as we get to choose our futures. Things used to be set up for us to step on. But now times have changed. Lose out on the scholarship applications and you may very well condemn your own dreams. Choose the wrong course, and hell hath no fury for the lost soul. I have to make so many decisions in so little time. Of course I understand everyone is going through the same. But I still feel like a kid, still too young to take that first step to chart my destiny.

I'm shyly admitting that I still play with toys and imagine fighting scenes with magicks and such. Things people probably moved on already. I also watch cartoons and laugh at them. I really feel like I have two faces. The face of a child when I play with my toys and talk to my plushies, and the face of a man when I interact with people in the 'adult' and social circle.

Whatever it is... This ordeal that is to come. An ordeal called NS... I count the days to come and had even dreamt of its arrival. Perhaps it's just that I've been thinking too much about it... But whatever the case, this rite of passage to become a man as the ministry of defense calls it... No matter what I feel about it... I know it will come one day... and very soon indeed. May the night still be young for I wish for a dream I had yesterday... to continue on like a mini saga of my own making... good night

WAR!!!

I am here to declare war on my fats. zzzzz When i look at my facebook pictures my eyes burn. LITERALLY burn up like paper in a stove. I look so fat for god's sake. =.= I seriously I ask myself why and why a thousand times how I ended myself up in the same plight that was inflicted upon me a few years ago. I swore to god then that this horrible disease by fire it be PURGED. yet today... I find myself in yet another familiar scenario. Feeling my own fats in my body is probably the worst thing that I can ever feel. It's as deadly as feeling a tumour on your body each and every single day. And it is just as toxic to the mind and self-esteem as with that of bullimia and depression. Oh my god horrible horrible disease to mankind. Selfish now I am... But why can't god just make our bodies excrete out the excess fats so that we may live a more happy and joyful life... arghhh.... the rigours of living and the pain of reality.

How now brown cow???? I am dead jealous of the obscenely thin and people with blackholes for stomachs. Feel like taking a knife and cutting out all the adipose so that I may free myself from my prison-like body. Sometimes even feel like drinking dettol so that some sort of hydrolysis reaction may hydrolyse away all my fats. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sanity is in short supply in my head when the topic of the fats comes to my head. Like a mongoose and snake. We're sworn enemies, enemies to the blood and of the soul. With what sanity I have i hate. With all in me i try to expel. It's like fighting a demon that takes over you every single day.

The horror. THE HORROR. The curse is back. and there is only one way to eliminate this awful curse. To have a fairytale ever after and to rid my world of all that is purely evil. Where thou art thou the miracle to my problems and the god to my rescue in the darkest of hours. The deadly impacts of obesity on the mind. It pains me to no end to see myself as well as the other accursed ones afflicted by this terrible curse. I used to be such a quiet and shy kid. But when i finally said bye bye to the fast one day i opened up like a butterfly from a chrysalis. And today I find myself caccooned up slowly again by that nuiance of a substance. The bane of this world. The terrorist to my social life.

Oh no... Now how now brown cow? Tell me how? I wanna declare war again. And this time NVR EVER NVR EVER am I going to fall into the honey trap of this evil spirit again. Never ever do i want to put myself through weightloss programmes becuz they are a living hell to speak off. These are the true evils of the world today. More serious than the terrorists, more serious than the many deadly viruses. Maybe less than the apocalypse. But still a BIG problem. ARGHHH I HATE U!!! NEVER HATED SOMETHING SO MUCH!!! Becuz u are a wrecker of human lives. My LIFE namely!!!!

Minutes to the DAY

It's a long long time since I posted something in this dying place. Been super busy with teaching which I find is so stressful that I may just end up getting depression if I stay on in this career track. Hence probably I'm going to take teaching out even though my mentors say I am very good at the job.

SO SO SO TOMORROW IS THE BIG BIG DAY =X Been vomitting in the morning since two days ago. Nagging on the phone and all. Seriously I'm spooked at the outcome yet curious to know. But I am fully clear about the chances of an accident. I actually have a very smart cousin from NJC who usually got A for everything. But when she got her A level results last year, she actually got all As EXCEPT a BIG UGLY D for GP. *GASP* >.<

I can literally imagine myself in the picture. One small mistake and its out of the game. The game to be the top scholar of JJC. Getting PW A alone was a miracle. I start to wonder if god would send me yet another miracle. Because all those times i bothered Ms Huang with consultations at ulu hours like 6pm makes me super guilty if I did not manage to clinch an A for GP. Sorry ah Ms Huang =/ If tmr I dun get an A for GP. I really will feel very bad and won't dare to see you ever again. =X

Alright... writing all these make me wanna vomit again. SERIOUSLY. SO I'll stop. I still have to go MI to teach in the morning!!! sian zzzzz Wah seriously going to puke liao =.=''' BYEEEEEEE

Prequel Before CNY

I just realised that it has been a long time since I posted a picture in my blog. Well CNY is just round the corner, and because of work, I dun even have time to clean my room yet. It was a super busy and dramatic week. This week was actually the first time that I was going to teach a class. Somemore my first time had to be 5 classes in a row. I came up with this wesome lesson plan that was apparently so good that it created more stress... =.= Namely because the method I employed was so creative that the whole geography department heard of its success in the first class I went to and so all wanted to sit in for my lesson to see my so called 'puppet show'. So imagine, a class of students with a teacher teaching and 5 other teachers sitting behind to watch zzzzzz.

But really I think I outdone myself LOLOLOL. I thought my way of teaching the flexible production system was awesome. haha. So my supervising mentor's comments were that I was very serious and diligent. The students could see that I was sincere because i memorised all their names even before they even met me. (I actually asked the teachers to give me the class list to memorise ahah) The puppetshow idea was also really brilliant and good. So in short they said I was a good teacher ^^V. Even for chemistry practical. I was taking the chemistry practical lesson that day as well... The teacher said I was actually not bad at all =D Well even though probably I could do teaching, the thing was I am damn tired =/ I mean I have to teach the EXACT same lecture for all my geography classes. Same thing over and over. I so sian by the second lesson already =.= GOSH. and next week, I have to do the same lesson for 2 other classes. =.='''''''''''''''''''''''

Oh OH and I actually brought into class this tibetian bell to control the students when they were too noisy and it worked like a charm. AWESOME. One student actually said...' Cher... u SO COOL' XD LOLOLOL Well enough about the teaching thing. So basically my week went by like that because all the lessons were killing me like SERIOUSLY =.= Thank all our teachers REALLY, becuz being a teacher is SO SO HARD. And I am not even handling any CCA or marking. That would have made my life utter hell zzzzz.

So went shopping for new year clothes on my own today. Got all these cool clothes and I was quite shock how I could spend $500 in an hour to buy my new year clothes. But oh well... the $$$ is given by my parents for new year shopping anyways hahaha. So might as well spend all. I bought so much branded goods la my god. lol One polo tee i buy for $70+. But it was really nice hee

To end things all up for today... I just wanna say that... I guess the time is about to be here again... I'll definitely say something, becuz i hardly get a chance. But I will always know that it will nvr happen... =/ But I just want u to know that... I'm really not kidding or saying things lightly when I do... I was being... genuine about it... =X I'm not that great after all... it's true =/ In fact that sentence thrown at me last time is still left etched in me... That I recall it ever so often that it reminds me that I am nvr that perfect in anything... Nvr truely deserving things unless it is earned through work and time... actually... I really have nothing to counter =X It is as it is said... not that great... ... =/

First Time Worker

This would be the very first time that I am actually earning a salary for myself. lol. I have to say this though... In the 2 weeks and a bit that I have been in MI doing teaching internship, I really really have a new found appreciation for teachers. being a teacher is really so HARD and so tiring. I usually just come home and collapse without noticing. And worst is when I wake up there is still answer keys to rush for deadline, past year qn compilation works and of couse preapring for lessons and doing the homework of finding interesting videos and all to share during the lecture/tutorial class. =/

I'm dead beat. Dun even have time to like post blog posts for the past few days. It's just stress and more stress. This thursday I am like going to have 8 periods of lecture with 4 different classes... zzzz And to be honest I am like damn nervous that I will be like all shakey or experience technical difficulties. I seek refuge in my dreams only to have dreams of me teaching in school =.= When I wake up it's like I just came back from work like that =////

Teaching definitely has it's good sides. I mean the satisfaction of it all when a student gets it. And seeing students do well and acknowledge u is just awesome. But not to brag or anything. But I realise that my chemistry is really quite powerful ah LOLOLOL. I won't lose to RJC ppl and some concepts I am actually stronger than the new teachers haha probably cuz I just took A levels so the concepts are fresh in my mind. Still makes me kinda happy though HAHAHA. P.S I also have like some uni knowledge from the chemistry olympied thing so ^^V. kk enough bragging.

Actually the reason why I posted today is becuz I suddenly have this thought and feeling. Actually kinda miss certain times and images of ppl seem to get blurred with time. I'm starting to wonder if it is going to be soon forgotten. Where layers and layers of sand cover things up. The sands of time and the derbis of saturated work life. If it is so I truely feel sad... As I struggle to find that feeling back only to find it diminishing every single day, as I hold on tight to what is to soon probably be ethereal.

Until that day comes... I will try my very bestest to keep that feeling. Becuz forever means something in some point of one's life. And to see forever be validated by harsh reality it just goes to show how dreams can never ever come true. to pretend that I dun care is just running away. Becuz things do matter to me. But I am human =X I can only try, never to know the outcome. But I know i will nvr be satisfied if things go on like this. So I'll try... =/

I watched a shojo anime... only to start having new expectations. Gosh anime poisoning again =.=

Sunny Days and Thoughts

It has been quite awhile since I last posted something. But was either too busy or too tired to do so. Being a teacher is really very tiring and life-draining curiously. It kind of makes me really appreciate my teachers for who they were and what they did. I came into this teaching internship initially to be truthful just to prove myself worthy that I could be selected because teaching was never really something I wanted to do. But these few days have sort of proved me wrong.

Because as busy as I am... I realise that I am enjoying every single day. Sure, going home by taking 2 buses is really really really ANNOYING. But the time I spend in school I really do find myself happy. So... perhaps teaching ain't so bad after all. And to boost, my geography is really really powerful right now. I've even got to master my urban topic even though I didn't study it for my A levels. ^^V Being attach to the Drama club as my CCA has been one of the greatest things that have happened so far. I got to have my face painted =) and the students also like invite me to rehearse with them. This was a time I got to show off my drama-skills LOL and get credited for it hohoho

Chemistry practical sessions are extremely exciting. I get to see organic synthesis reactions which are AWESOME btw. They actually did the synthesis of azo-dye which JJ nvr let us do zzzzz. So that's all I have to say for work. Avidly preparing for lessons and doing my homework of memorising the whole class's name because if they are willing to learn then I will put in the effort to do my homework to get to know the students better =) That and I probably need to read up more on geography current affairs because I lack the width to share interesting info with the class. =X That being said... I am aspiring to be a strong, independent individual. Fingers crossed though that a lvls get all As.... Something that goes through my mind everyday =////

Been thinking of some rather intriguing notions which is interesting in it's own way. Depressing things too perhaps... and also a harsh reality to face =/ Ah well... that's all I have to write for today

A Post As A Result of Free Tine

LOL guess where I am now? I'm in MI's staffroom with nothing to do. I only have one period today so u can say it's sitting duck for me. The rest of the interns have their classes so basically I'm all lone. Feel like playing neopets and all but also scared later so unprofessional >.< Oh well... monday's school exp was really quite distasteful but Luckily ytd and today was rather pleasant.

I realise I've got loads to brush up on inorder to be a teacher too. So lots of hnwk for me. I have hnwk when i get home.I actully have to mug for geog before the lessons like I am mugging for the a lvls. So maybe when I come out from this internship my a lvl geog and chem would be awesome haha.

Still getting used to calling the teachers by their real names or nicknames. Culture shock there haha. Still a bit timid but then it really feels shuang when the students greet u and then call u cher or Mr Zhao. haha Hopefully i can become more confident infront of a crowd and deliver which is also an aspect of NS that I have to overcome. Still fingers crossed awaiting my a lvl results. If it's not all As I swear I will CRY zzzzz.

Suddenly rmbed something today in the morning... ... I miss... It fell... But then of no use anws. Staff meeting is in a few hrs. Maybe I'll see some interesting stuff there.

A Comparison between Human and Beasts

I was reading this article the other day... An attack on Charles Darwin's theory of evolution and in fact any theory pertaining to evolution. It qned... if humans were indeed evolved from the primates or were we merely created by god. An issue of the ethnic core values, where faith seems to exist in the unknown. If humans were considered superior becuz we have minds. Then what is a 'mind'? do animals have minds too? Is the act of minding just a neuro-activity or is it so much more?

In everyone we see... call ourselves civilised or call ourselves the top of the food chain. There are beasts in all of us. Taking the subject of procreation into the matter, let's analyse this: A man has to fight battles against other males inorder to get a mate. This is nature trying to select for the better male passing his better genes to the future generations. But whilst in the urban jungle... maybe such archaic and beastly instincts do previal. What a woman sees in a man. The power to start a family unit, the strength and intelligence, the good looks or maybe just great personality traits. Maybe females are the selectors (pardon me if there is no such word) for making better humans. They choose the best male to bear their offsprings and so pass on favourable genes. and through it all... men have to think of multiple ways to make themselves more attractive to their polar nemesis. lol

I'm not sure if evolution is wrong. Maybe god created us or such. But then again I dun think I have the power to change such theories grounded on years and years of research and hordes of believers. But one thing I'm quite certain. I see humans no more than animals. Be it maybe we came from the butt scratching, lice-ridden monkeys =.=(which i dread the thought). There must be some deep understanding in this all... So let's call this... 'the truth'. Maybe one day when i die I may know what the truth is... But until then... I'll forever live in my urban jungle, where the threats of rising global temperatures are as good as a forest fire and where stampedes of people are abound during chinese new year chinatown or sentosa countdown parties. When u draw a line between the species and the order, class and phylogeny... maybe that line ain't so thick as we thought...

Well moving on... to the topic of greatness. Seeing tmr is going to be my first day being an actual teacher in MI. I'm really starting to get the butterflies. =/ But seeing that a teacher is a noble profession i wish in the process i may just learn a thing or two abt what makes someone great. And it is then maybe i can be a greater person and a fren to ppl around me. And i guess more imptly i wanna feel great abt myself... =/

The Memory That Echoes

Until today... probably a week had passed by... But some phrases u hear from people. Those that actually get to the heart they nvr really fade away as do daily conversations do. Keep hearing them repeatedly in the head. Not to say they were wrong. Not to say they were words that bring fire. Also not to say I feel like dying... Just feel hollow as though some lonely cold wind scud by the sort of thing whenever that videoclip replay in the head...

Life's not as easy as it seems... I'm working my guts out to not be something I dun wanna become or rather remain. I want to make a difference and lead a different life. I want to hold my head high again if that ever matters to anyone. I want to dare to go out and see the world and show people the confident side of me instead of withdrawing and feeling like an outcast...

But then again... the words go on and on in my head... and i wonder if... maybe after everything... it's right that... I'm still some lousy soul afterall... just thinking I mean something to this world when I'm not... who am I anyway? Neither rich nor good company too... and whenever i rmb those words... I dun feel like hanging out or being frens with anybody... Feel like being alone until I figure out how to be a great person so that ppl would enjoy my company and as a fren =/

Really I guess... ... 'You think you so great?' a nvr dying phrase.... ...

The Whys, Hows and Silly Things

It's a long time since I last posted anything here... figured some things are just meant not to be posted... Well I've sort of sorted through them myself so it's the calm of a storm. Discoveries be it for the better or those that make u horrible, I guess that's why we are humans... We always try even when we know we might fail. So I'll try to improve myself so that I can lead a happier life.

Stuff people said... Some speak to me... While others, as simple as a mere phrase is gonna be in my mind for the rest of my life. 08S02 chalet was a day of reckoning and self discovery when i start to see the real me and until now I dun dare to ask the people how they felt or if what I am thinking of how they felt were indeed true... =/ But whatever it is... I've decided not to ask anymore. Becuz thing is I thought I was horrible so I shld do something to change myself.

Walking home today after a trip to the gym and I saw that grass patch that has been left bare after some deconstruction took place a year ago. And i rmbed Toh Liling once said that the grassy area was cooler. And that time I responded that no way... cuz plants respire too so logically speaking a grassy area will feel hotter than a barren piece of land... Just random thoughts here. lol

Discovered some facts about proteins and fat metabolism today while I was surfing the net and realised i made a super BIG mistake in my dieting plans. Well not too late to correct them since I just started ytd anyways.This time I'm gonna build muscle instead of just thinking of slimming down =) Hopefully with the extra muscle my fats will be burned off more easily.

Singing songs today all day long... Sounds really dumb... But always like to memorise the lyrics of my fav songs. And this time i actually learning an anime song. Sakura kiss in Ouran High School Host Club. Ah well... a big sweat at the gym, a haircut and then a cold shower feels awesome... =)

Outpushing Of Pseudopodia

Watched finished a new anime today. It's Ouran High School Host Club. It was a pretty funny show and I laughed on practically every episode =). In this anime I also learnt that interestingly attracrtive guys can be divided into differenr categories lol... Just some food for thought though so i guess take with a pinch of salt... They are: 'Prince type', 'Mischevious type', 'Strong and Silent type', 'Boyish type', 'Cool type' and 'The Natural type'. haha see if u can identify which guy in the picture is which type. oh and btw one of them is a girl in disguise as a guy ^^.

but oh well... actually i have a lot of things to blog abt... But suddenly realise in the blogging world u can't say what u wanna say if it would affect other ppl... Makes me qn what blogging is for anyways... becuz as a venting tool... it kinda sux... So much on my mind... but i guess can;t put it here... the end now i guess =/

The Art of The Craft

In just 3 days... 5 ppl birthday had passed lol. And speaking of bdays... I just suddenly thought of the art of bday gift crafting. Sometimes i wonder... when I put in so much effort and time and creative juices if those gifts will actually be meaningful for the long run. i mean though ppl give me such gifts i will keep with me in a safe place... that's all I do...

And every year it is a challenge yet greater. Becuz i have to constantly come up with better and better works of art so that things dun get dull. Right now on hand I have like 3 bday gift projects in my head that are due in weeks or for some months. Really thinking hard on what to do liao... hopefully i will get enlightened soon.

After the quest for the BIG why... I realised something in me changed. I no longer wanna hang out with girls that much. probably first time in my life that i actually prefer the company of the same gender. I guess that's a good thing considering I'm going to NS and this ought to make me manlier ^^V.

Actually feeling a bit lonely nowadays... Busy thinking abt loads of stuff and wondering what to do to be a good fren. Hooi kim says it takes a long time... But with little encounters face to face i wonder even if with time it will still work. hai... actually shldn't post here. I shld just think to myself

A Quick Post To A Bad Day

Was listening to the song 'bad day' as i was going to NUS to learn how to teach today... It's rather ironic I would say... becuz today is supposed to be a happy day for me. But then I feel very anxious and very vexed inside... =/

For those that send me wishes on fb or sms and give me nice bday presents thx a lot... really =D Cuz... like I said in past few posts... to me bday if ppl rmbs show that ur existence is appreciated and I'm glad that in this world at least my existence means something to ppl... =X Shall not mention what's so frustrating here bah... let it continue to simmer and boil in my heart and mind... probably going to sleep early and hope this day ends real soon... ... =(

Sometimes I deserve that slap to wake me up from those expectations... and I qn those around me if I'm truely evil to think that way... Just I guess becuz I gave so much so I wished for at least some recognition and appreciation... ... =/ But probably I got it all wrong le bah... =/

Back From Kukup... Now A Day To The Big Day

Dun really have any pictures to post for this post, cuz all the f3 trip photos are with joey lol. Well once she publishes them on fb, I'm gonna go steal the best pics and post it here haha. Kukup trip was really exciting becuz this is my first ever trip overseas with a grp of frens. Kukup is a small fishing village in Malaysia btw. and Toh Liling was right about the pollution part. Cuz in Kukup all the water u use go straight down into the sea and mud below the kelongs.

To make matters worst, the locals there toss everything down the mangrove swamp, and I seriously mean everything =.= I actually got super guilty when I bathed becuz I knew that all the soapy water was going flow into the sea below and I felt damn bad. I asked the other f3 ppl but they didn't really care. lol guess I was thinking too much. As always during these types of trip, I emoed unfortunately close to night time but recoverd after a good sleep. Oh well... let bygones be bygones. =)

Played table tennis for the first time too and it was DAMN fun, The first day everyone was like super wild over it and i was like thinking how fun could it get? But second day when I tried I went crazy too... But hai... i played 6 matches and LOST all 6 matches >.< Gotta try hard for next f3 ping-pong match haha. We all wanted to watch the sunrise... but sadly the sky was obscured by clouds zzzzz. And we got up too early to watch it. We went there to camp at like 4+ am? LOL Oh oh and how could I forget the awesome fireworks we played that night. Damn cool la haha... But not as cool as when I was in China that time during AYLC. The fireworks there were BIGGER and more colourful. haha sj rmbs too...

Overall... though many of us got sunburnt... the food was so-so... we didn't really played any great games as a grp... we didn't catch any fish at all during fishing =.=... we didn't catch the sunrise as planned... But I would say I really enjoyed this trip becuz of everyone there which made it truely fun. I admit that there are times when I ask myself if I truely belong with f3, me, being so quiet and all... But even if I dun... I wish I were becuz everyone is so nice =) Well putting the days of Kukup behind me now... but of course implanted in my head. tmr would be jan 5th liao...

Two big events. One is my birthday and second is that I have to go to the teaching thing and finally FINALLY first time in my life I have to wear office attire =.=. Wonder how that will turn out seriously... Been thinking of what to wish for for my bday for a long long time... i mean I only get one bday wish a yr... so I gotta be careful. But then again last yr's wish didn't really come true... hai... feel like wishing for it again... But i wonder if bday wishes are really that special?

I'm hopeful for certain things... ... But by the current situation I decide let's drop it... Wouldn't wanna add extra burden to someone already with problems cuz that's the good fren thing to do... =)

A Happy New First Day?

It's finally 2010... On the last day of 2009 it seems as though the first day of 2010 would be sacred... But at the instant that the clock struck 0000... 1/1/10 seems like any other ordinary day...

Actually I wanted to talk about my interesting countdown activities... But I suddenly dun have the mood to do so... I am thinking about something =/ And u can say I'm waiting for something at this moment. There is a burning question in my mind... But then if I look at the past I feel fear as to whether to voice it out... And I ask myself if maybe I shld hold it in or something. I'm waiting... ... waiting... waiting... I wonder if my wait will be in vain today =(