Swimming In Hot Water

Step 1: Identify the problem

Step 2: Analyze the problem

Step 3: Ideation of solutions

Step 4: Implement the best solution

Step 5: Happily ever after

More often than not, this would be the most fundamental framework when it comes to the problems that we encounter in life. We adopt an analytic approach to things and attempt to impose order on the disorderly in a cliche-systematic manner.  This seems indeed a mantra for planning for a forecast-ed warfare. But I guess things aren't always so simply laid out in front of you that you can always for-see the future and hence think of ways to avoid them. Most of the time... problems come to us as a bolt from the blue. Perhaps... there are also times when we only discover that we're in hot water when we notice the temperature rising. 

Like a frog in a pot that is slow to boiling... we enjoyed the spa that we thought god threw at us. Indulging in the sinful pleasures it is sometimes so hard to come back to our senses. Especially when things are so comfortable you would think that it is better to be sinning than to be a saint. But at the back of our minds we always did know the truth didn't we? We knew that we were sinking into quicksand but we controlled our motions such that we sank slower. We did not bother to look for vines and our things to drag ourselves out of this 'honey trap'... because... it will be so hard to do so anyhows~~ Prolonging the inevitable huh? 

What happens then when what we enjoy doing so much paves a path to our destruction? A path that leads us to devastation and hurt. Are we willing to enjoy temporal happiness that we know will come to demise? Or do we see the eminent danger looming overhead that we force ourselves to end this happiness in the present for the sake of a better future? It will always seem logical that the latter is the right choice. But then again... why does my heart shudder to make the decision? Verily... I feel so happy now in indulgence. To cut it off seems brutal... and I know it will hurt me so very much even if it means a brighter hope ahead... confused I am~~

I resort to writing blogs because I felt like it was no point telling people certain things which even I am hitherto unsure of. But I felt like exploding because my mind is continuously thinking of such things. If I started telling people all of what's on my mind... I'll probably scare away all my friends. So let's just write letters to express them; let us talk to myself and pretend that it's another... 

Seriously... what's happening to me? I need a vessel to contain all my excess emotions... There's just way too much for me to handle... but more importantly... Those are all WRONG!!!

Pardon My Past

We never are certain of our own lives. In all aspects we wonder and in every thing we wager. Life is full of risks where ever we turn and where ever we go... Is this not the uncertainty that makes life so enriching and exciting every day? That we wake up with an adrenaline rush with an anxious heart for what is to come. What new things will we discover? And what juicy gossip awaits us that will blow our minds away~ But the same uncertainty that we bear in our hearts linger like shadows just before we sleep as we make decisions-important ones- without any idea whatsoever of our odds and favors.

Is there truly beauty in uncertainty? For if there truly is so then the blind must be truly blessed. For each step they take on the road is filled with fears of holes and tripping stones. Yet at times... aren't we all blind? Blinded by our work; blinded by our obsessions; and ah yes... blinded by the inspired madness that we call love. In every way we make proposals to ourselves... As if a court was in session in our inner sanctums. To turn left or to turn right... Because we reach a stage where certainty becomes in short supply. We fear rejection and we fear getting hurt. Even though we know that it moulds us and makes us stronger.

But of course... it would be foolish to assume that change is always easy. Especially when the change involves yourself... When we put on new faces and we adopt new personas have we really metamorphosized into something new? Despite all the make-up we attempt to cover our blemishes we all still know that we have something to hide. The question then appears would be: Did I change after what had happened to become someone new? Or is it still the same old me but suppressed. An enigma indeed...

The tug of my soul reminds me of a time when I sought shelter in a storm. I found peace there and so I stayed there to avoid the merciless impact of the cold and unrelenting pelting of raindrops. And when the storm finally went away and the Sun came out... I just did not feel like leaving anymore... and so I stayed on till today. Perhaps all this while... as I am typing each post in this blog... I always thought I had moved on simply because I was open to reveal my past. But in every blog post I see echoes of sorrow etched into the inspiration of every single one. My brain did not wish to disclose my past but my heart so eagerly wanted to share it with the world because I reveled in having an unconventional and spicy life story.

I've come to realize how foolish that is now. So from this post onward... I shall never let this echo resound anymore. I know I will never ever know if I have changed to become someone better or merely that the beast inside me had been imprisoned somewhere looking for kairos for a jailbreak. But I have faith... yes faith... that I am no longer the same. And even if inner demons haunt me. Smite them I will... To my past I tell you in the face... don't ever try to get to me anymore. Because I am ready facing you with sword and shield. 

Pardon my past~ 

P.S. tug of my soul... it doesn't matter really... but thank you

Kairos In Revelations

When do we ever know when it's time to do something at all? How do those birds do it? When they take their first steps out of the nest and then make that impossible plunge: It's either fly or die... Yet they don't even know if they can take flight like how they dreamed that they would. Such certainty that comes from faith... Exquisite~ And until today we have never seen a one bird that is afraid of heights.

Life is like a miner. We painfully pick up our hoes and pickaxes every morning and then we just dig and dig... Trying to uncover precious gems and stones along the way. Once in awhile we manage to excavate relics that remind us of who we are and where we are right now; sometimes we find glistening jewels that make us yelp with ecstasy; sometimes we hit an oil field and plumes of black gold just come streaming out of the ground like manna from heaven. But more often than not... we find ourselves so exhausted from our mining when the sun goes down and the stars come out. Because with each hitting of our hoes against the solid bed rock our hands grow more weary from the recoil of each forceful strike we exert- telling ourselves there is hope to be found... Because with each collision... we find dismay that behind one rock comes another... a monotony as surely it is to dig like a clockwork in motion.

Can we ever have that 100% certainty in whatever we choose to do? Because life is full of risks and full of probabilities. As if math in school is not enough; it is integrated and insidiously woven around our lives. How do I ever have the confidence that things will be alright... that this time will be different from the other when the memory of our past hurts just makes us so very cautious and we get so very tired just having to be so cautious. To the guardian of time and space of ancient Greece... to the famed Kairos and Kronos... tell me... I beckon thee... show me a wrinkle in time when doing something will guarantee that past hurts can be at long last dissolved from the face of history- Show me what it means to lead the same story but with a different ending.

We always wish that things will happen our way. Especially when it comes to other people... we wish that people will do certain things: We expect things; we wish for love; we wish for friends... ... But I'm so confused... Because if everyone did what I wanted... they would be nothing but puppets and dolls with no free will. So what is the beauty in wishing that anymore? And so what if I decided that I shall not wish that things go my way anymore? I'll get hurt won't I? So does it mean that I love getting hurt? Yes... perhaps hurt is my one true friend... a friend that never abandons me.

How ironic it truly is... I am alive because I feel the pain of dying. It's because I perceive with all my human senses the pain that I know I am alive and living. Because I see the hurtful things and memories... because I smell the scent of the looming rain cloud... because I hear those words that echo from a distant past... because I feel the throbbing of a bleeding heart... because I taste despair in every breath... Pain reminds me that I am alive indeed... how invigorating...

Do I still have the faith left to believe? To believe in rewriting the past in the present. Because truly truly... A side of me accepts that I am cursed and condemned. So I should die with my secrets that no one will ever ever know... Is revelations so important? The truth is secrets hurt more than we think they do. The reasons we chose to hide and to run away... why is that?

I wish I could lead a life with no secrets... because I want nothing to hide. I remembered a time... for years perhaps... since things first started... and my heart cringes and trembles over a wish so repeatedly expressed and prayed upon... but never did... never will? come true after all~~

drip. drip. drop

The One In The Many Is Still So Significant

The world population stands at an astounding 7 billion; and the Singapore population stands at 5 million. In an ocean of faces where it is highly unlikely to meet a particular someone -let alone become good friends and more- it is indeed peculiar that sometimes when there is a sea of fish out there we are just so adamant over a particular fish. It may not be worth much but yet it is our treasure. We hold on to somethings as though they mean the world to us... but in the eyes of the 7 billion others out there that exotic fish we so tirelessly try to keep is but an ikan billi in a packet of Nasi Lemak.

And it makes no sense at all... We blame ourselves sometimes over the mistakes we make in the past when we know that no matter how much we ever did blame ourselves that it can never ever be changed or corrected. Yet we still do it... and everyone is guilty of it one way or another. Is it our proclivity as it is in our nature to always seek the route of despair? Because... whenever I see such things happen... suddenly the sky just gets dyed a gloomy grey and the gentle rain drops start to fall... drip, drip, drop~

Why do I care so much for things that can never be within my control. But it is a struggle to admit to myself every day that I cannot possibly make things all go my way. Especially when the feelings and wills of others are involved. It gets that much harder. But the challenge comes when I have to predict and make the moves which I thought were right. And then I wait anxiously... hoping for mutuality in feelings... a reciprocal of an intent that is expressed in the same or other means that represents my hope realized... Perhaps it's foolish... but we all waited, wait and are waiting... always waiting... and then we get hurt. Yes... we always did get hurt from all the waiting... But along the way we still kept telling ourselves to be patient and to be hopeful... when inside a dark shadow had insidiously crept into our minds and our imaginations of the future drives us insane with paranoia...

Even so... it means so much to me: that thing which is of little or seemingly no material value. I rather forgo my heaven just so I can go to hell together with you. In the silver clouds and pristine lights of the beautiful kingdom; I'll rather dance a midst the furious inferno of the hell rifts. Perhaps I'm crazy... I don't care; Perhaps I may regret it one day after my body had been thoroughly reduced to ashes, but for now I only wish for the transient joy and the naive dream that the bonds of people overcome all...

But I live in torment and agony... Being empathetic is both a blessing and a curse. I mourn over the littlest thing and I get elated over the mildest of jokes. I wished it upon me that I could be mute sometimes... just so that I didn't have to be so sensitive and paranoid of every little thing around me. But who can understand? Who can understand a ripple in a pond and resemble it to the whirlpools of my heart? Who can understand a simple sway of the grasses in the arid savannas be alike the storm of the century? Every where I go... I see a riot of colours splashed against a background of bleach, and I can't help but get so exhausted from all these loud colours that I just had to run... ... But people don't get it do they?

Sometimes... I wanted to tell you something... but I guess you just couldn't catch what I was trying to say... What was at the beginning hurtful got even more hurtful when you couldn't understand what I was saying. But I wished you could and so my hopes were dashed... 

But even so... after so many times of this... I simply just refused to let go... because it is just so important to me... and I could never explain why... that is why... it is no science and it is no art- only feelings. I'm sorry for things... but you probably don't even know what I'm sorry about... how sad~~ But I have only a lasting impression of when everything happened at the threshold...

A beautiful garden of Eden lies ahead of me. The beautiful and romantic night sky woven together by the constellations of many and a field of gorgeous marigolds swaying in the gentle breeze. I hear the cicadae of summer humming and the playful crickets rubbing their legs together like violins- a delightful symphony. I couldn't help but keep silent and enjoy the wonderful scent of floral- let it waft subtly into my nostrils and rejuvenates my spirit. But of all the flowers- lovely and bright- I chose the unimpressive dandelion...

With a breath of wind that carries a sigh I blew... and so let loose a trail of white maiden hairs... into the night... with a wish and a burden that it'll all be over soon~

Silence Is Golden

Sometimes saying nothing at all is worth much more than actually uttering a sound because somethings are just meant to be buried inside your heart; not meant to be revealed and to see the light of day. I start to understand why god gave people an ear and a mouth but never another sense organ to read into the minds and hearts of others. He had probably seen everything coming~ And it's best that we see why too...

To what extent do we give in to the silence? We stay quiet sometimes when we fight with others just because we want to keep the peace. Even though deep inside we were bleeding and crying, we gave the other a straight face. People would have thought we were feeling fine and alright, but the truth was that we were not. But silence made it such that pain is contained; it does not spread; it does not corrupt... It is confined only to myself. And that is how I would like it to be...

Sometimes I have something I really wanted to say. But I grew up learning that even your closest friends leave you because of the things you say. Everyone always wants to be the nice guy: Claim that they can accept everything about you and that no matter what happens things will never change. But you'll be surprised how the weight of that sentence can suddenly change in a blink of an eye. Months or even years of foundation decimated by something which you thoughts others might understand... How do I know about all this right? I know... ... =/

Do my parents really accept me for who I am? I remember a time when they refused to believe it. So I decided to lock myself up into a cocoon. They could never see who I really was and really am. To my parents I am one; to my friends I am one; to my associates I am one; and to strangers I am yet another. To what end should I hide behind facades to escape from reality. Till what time can I finally merge all these selves into a single entity. Who am I really? =X 

Things are sometimes better just said to those who will never give up on us. These are the non-living things like my bear. It's so funny how I can have so much feelings for something that doesn't even breathe or think like humans do. But I take comfort in knowing that forever exists only in myself: For no matter how hard I wanted to run away... I could never ever run away from myself. Just as my bear's thoughts are mine and my thoughts are in my bear- we are one and the same... bear personified. In truth... I'm just a lonely soul wishing for someone like me who can understand me... who will listen without judging and make pledges to never leave each other and to be best friends~~

What a depressing day it is indeed. When I put my faith in the silence of the present and the silence of the future to prevent the silence of the past from catching up to me. It is for the best for me to keep my heart's voices kept inside- not to be shared... Perhaps... even as I age and die one day... fading into heaven or maybe falling into hell... I'll never ever find a friend I could ever say what's really on my mind: To hear the silence of the past and still sincerely from the bottom of their hearts say that the present and future need not be silent no more...

A present and future when I need not hide anymore. Need not stoop into a small and dark crevice just to want to be feel accepted. And most importantly... I don't want to feel so dependent anymore =( I don't want to feel like I'm delusional and that feelings are never mutual... I cry easily... but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less each and every single time... 

My resolve is to keep the silence that is more valuable than gold. To place a golden padlock upon my grieving heart and to bind my emotions to myself. I threw that only key to unlock the lock into a vast ocean of blue... Wish a wishful heart that someone may find it one day and unlock it. But I guess miracles don't exactly exist for me; perhaps in others it does... but never mine...

The golden key sinks to the bottom of the deep blue sea. With a slight glittering I watched it plummet into an inky depth with the sweetness of despair in my mouth like dark chocolate. Even as warm and salty tears stream down my eyes as I watch the hope sink down-probably never to be seen again-I savour the moment that I wept tears of love and joy of... ... the delicate thing of... life...

Where thou art thou? this friend of mine... ... ... ... 

Being In Love In A Movie

"We don't want to be in love. We want to be in love in a movie"

I watched an inspirational movie: Sleepless in Seattle; the night before as I took a break from all the mundane and hectic uni life. (which at this point somewhere out there who's reading this post of mine is definitely going to scream: WOMAN!!!) This particular quote was etched into my mind after the whole movie where I found myself sobbing over the touching ending and the heartwarming scenes which floated up into my mind. For all ye fans out there of romance movies that scream sob fest. and fantasy romance this is the one you ought to watch before you continue on with your life. For it can be no further from the truth that the messages behind the entire drama was good for the soul and you'll never know what you've been missing in your life until you've caught a glimpse of this 'chicken soup for the wounded hearts'. How to prepon this title is indeed...

Was thinking the other day about how memories work. Not the scientific neurological processes but rather the depths of its capabilities. I thought to myself as I was lying in bed and awaiting darkness to glaze my eyes and mind: What was my first memory? I could remember no more than flashes of my mum powdering me to sleep and singing this Chinese lullaby back when I was still in my old house. My old house was really small... but it was filled with warmth and family joy. It was where I grew up and where I spoke my first word; took my first step; the first place I ever learnt to call home that comes from the bottom of my heart.

Sometimes when I pass by my old house... I remember so many things. How I've changed to become who I am today and how sad it is to have forgotten so much. I savour the bitter remnants of relics kept close to my heart and yearn for more to keep in times to come: 10, 20, 50 years from now... A midst these thoughts of the limitations of my memory I couldn't help but feel a sting for a frozen beauty in time: How forever never ever exists... Where it appears it never lasts... where it becomes a non-fulfilling contract... a prophecy of realization surely when we die one day be it to the heart or our own bodies that there can be no eternity in this world of change everlasting... irony~~

There are only 24 hours in a day. No more and no less... It really boils down to how we intend to spend those precious hours before the sun sets on each and every single day. If we ever wanted to spend time on something... time needs to be taken from somewhere else. In all things... we sacrifice our time every now and then. We prioritize what's important and what's less. But sometimes... we reach a point when it's like my mother and father dropped into the sea... who will I save? A difficult decision that is painful either ways =(

But now let me get back to the movie... let me get back to the topic of this entire post: Love. I'm not going to talk plainly of the love between lovers-though that I'll do too- but also the love of friends and family alike: Agape, Philia and Eros. It dawned on me yesterday that the type of movies and shows that we enjoy are closely linked to our identities. I think nobody dares admit that they do not draw similarities between themselves and a show as they are viewing it. It is just our nature to do so... For things only made sense when we could draw reference to it to either through our knowledge or our own experiences. Otherwise we would hastily dismiss it as pure fiction or the impossible.

So I wonder why I enjoyed romance movies and supernatural content. Could it be that the shows reflect the things I lack in my life right now? How I've used imagery and similarities of the movies to add on to my own life just so that it will be that much more exciting when it's not even a true encounter or experience anymore. 

Do we remember what our first memory is? Do we remember the first love we had? It's suddenly becoming so vague. For in due honesty I've filled up those gaps with fantasy... they've been integrated so much that I can no longer tell the truth and the truth that I wished to perceive it.

And this time round... I did this post differently. For as I'm typing this post I've left out the title because I do not yet know what kind of title would have attracted people to read on. But I think I've decided that it shall be called: Being in love in a movie... for it's what we all do best as we idle into fantasy wishing for our own happy endings even as we struggle to survive.

But let me end with this video I found... an inspirational piece... enjoy:

Distance

It's another TGIF day and I am so relieved. The days of mad rushes for the week had finally subsided and I desire nothing more than to have some time to myself: To reflect upon the week and to hear what my inner voice has to say to me. It's not going to be an easy weekend with my midterms and tests and tutorial assignments constantly bugging me like a mosquito buzzing at the ear. But of course... Unlike a big fat juicy mosquito I can never smack it left, right, center in a bloody explosion.

And as I explore my inner voice and listen to my worries of the week and anxiety of the future I feel an innate pain welling up. Just like the magma of the earth rising to the surface in plumes. How intense is the heat of it and how powerfully it courses through. I guess whenever we encounter these troubling thoughts and feelings in our minds... we try our best to discern if our concerns are truly validated. For all we know... we all have our dramatic sides after all. Some more than others.

An intriguing questions is etched onto my mind... That whether distance is always the key to the equation. As much as rocket science is a complex study... it pales in comparison to the human mind. For verily... we can find no scientific explanations for love and can definitely find no vaccine against our emotions. There is no scientific test to indicate that love truly exist. Yet we feel it; yet we embrace it; yet it drives us; yet we crave it. Now if only those aethis start to understand this logic too and believe in my god...

But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I've not yet come to terms with my own inner demons. When insanity drives us... do you have what it takes to control? Like a charioteer driving a chariot of 2 horses: A tamed steed and a wild horse. Are we able to steer them in one direction when one of them tirelessly struggle and tug at your reins to lead to the disorderly?

I fear each and every single day that my affliction will cease to stop spreading. For once it goes to my head and poisons my heart... from my experience: There can be no redemption! Is distance the answer? I really don't know. All I know is the insecurities I'm feeling now. It's not normal and I can never find anyone I can share this to =X

I'll try though... I'll try to effect this distance... less I wish to lose all that I treasure. For it has happened so many times... my heart hardens more and more with each blow dealt.

A Faint Glow

I was bought over by the muses of inspiration to create a post that I was so passionate about in the morning. But as the day passed by and the times got stale... The voice got husher and soon it faded away. In my mind there could be nothing else but a resounding question and a troubling heart. The inspiration of the day died and there was a funeral. In its place-where something died-another came to place. From nothing it came but with much might it emerged:

Is there ever a difference between a truth that is vocalized and a truth that I keep to myself? That as I criticize and comment about others... I find myself falling into the same situation as with the criticized and commented... What am I trying to do really? Is there something I wanted to say?

Today marks a funeral... of a dead post I created. The day the inspiration died... 120912, 5.35pm.

What a grey day it is~~ =(

Peeping Through The Cracks Subtly

As the sun sets on each and every single day I question if the day was indeed a fruitful one. Whether things that I set out for myself to do had been completed; whether the things that I had set out to accomplish in life had been achieved. I waltz to the rhythmn of this world, driven by the force of cultural norms and peer pressures. Much like moving as if held by puppet strings. I question most importantly: My true will and personna behind this veil of uncertainty.

It wouldn't ever come as a surprise if I ever did think to myself during my own quiet time if what I am doing to myself was truly fruitful; whether it was beneficial. Admit it... The bulk of our lives are spent sleeping where we live in a world of creative fabrications of reality. We find dreams alluring because they're so surreal. Precisely due to its unparallel relation to reality do we find much amusement when we wake up at each first dawn's light and amuse ourselves with the contents of our dreams. And if some of us do not get enough of this 'vision quest', we even go into our day dreamer state during our boring lectures and sometimes even boring conversations.

The other bulk of our lives would probably be spent chasing after dreams in the real world. An irony in itself definitely.

Could there be truth to this paradox? The dream in the real world that is unseen. But even though this dream may be a myth of hopes to drive us forward in the journey of life we all still do run so hard and fast after it. In every single thing that we do every single day... Be it to rush for a free shuttle bus to Biz school or is it to attempt to balance the equations in our financial accountancy tutorials we try as much to fit ourselves in what we envisage to be our future dream. We believe in ourselves that what we're doing will have meaning 4 years from now after we graduate. Even though things may seem bleak - and perhaps it really is- we still take a glimpse of that glorious dream in the real world that we hide in the depths of our heart. A mirage in a desert perhaps?

But let not change our views of ourselves even as we go through each and every season of our lives. May change overtake us and sometimes the people around us too. When we see those close to us seem further and further away from us. But more importantly be true to ourselves and may the hurt of people leaving us behind subside with the healing hands of time.

Do we feel insecure about ourselves as we bash our way through this jungle ahead of us. It would always be daunting when we lose sight of our familiars in this vegetative lush. But trust yourself and listen to yourself more often. For that's the voice that is often flushed out and diluted by the cacophony of noises in this world. Take some time to listen... ... For the sincere need not always speak in the loudest of voices...

shhh...

Chicken Soup For The Lonely Soul

In my room I am moping and I am finding inspiration from my muses as I delicately craft this post before I leave to become a dreamer. For it is not my heart that desires to spill my heart's turmoil and it is surely not my logical mind that craves to shed intellectual light on 'emo-ish' poetry; for my hands move with a life of their own: As creepy and demonic as that may sound. They are sang to life alike a siren's song to make one dance to a tune of inspired madness. So I heed the song I so lucidly hear in my head and fight the fatigue that strife to grapple my senses.

My proclivity to writing urges me to go on -in my current drunkard state- to express my emotions and to express my visions of silent and lonely black and white movies. Without any hesitation and without any inhibition I shall now go on... as I dive into a realm of shadows and secrets  to discover the darkest corners of my soul and the tiniest fibers of my being...

What makes it so hard to be accepted by people? Why do we all have to try and try so hard just so we could feel in place. I feel lost in translation and I struggle to maintain my sanity and myself as I slowly wade through this sea of sludge and toxic tar.

I tried to hide so many things about me... Just because I was afraid. I was afraid of losing people because of the secrets. But more importantly I was afraid to lose people when I was just being me. I wear an array of masks and put on facades like an expert make-up artist will do for it makes me feel safer behind all these pretences. It was never about me being insincere. For without a doubt everyone will always sense that my heart beats with sincerity and care. That will never be further than the truth. But I rather people hated me or disliked me for the selves I created and not hated or disliked me for being the real me... =( 

Do I lack the footwork to dance to this world's crazy rhythmn? Do I lack the resolve to want to change myself to become someone new. For no one loved the old person... everyone just likes the new. Who do I want to be exactly I am no longer certain at all... I just know my heart weeps bitter tears for the soul I could not save... my own soul. I pretended that things were fine when beneath the surface my heart was in chaos. I controlled and contained my emotional whirlpools. But they teared at my insides and destroyed my mind. Fighting it is taking so much so much of my energy. Resisting a drug perhaps? But I laugh and mocked at myself for the strength of my will. How fragile it was and so brittle.

I hated to be lonely... I never did liked it. But somehow I was just so inclined to do so. I'll never ever never ever tell anyone when my birthday is... For I remembered a time when I did... and it brings back memories of much pain that the mere thought is hellish.

Am I selfish? Maybe just trying to pretend to be selfless when deep inside I expected something I guess? I won't dare say I'm a saint. For I am not =( I try to be one though... and perhaps I sucked at it. But I try really hard... do you see it? do you feel it? Do you know it? It's always about giving... never about receiving. I wonder at such a bad bargain how I have managed to survive so long so long... Always waiting for the one day when the birthday story will repeat itself but with an alternative ending.

I'll control myself. I'll not give way to emotions. Let logic rule over my heart and mind and rid me of this disease. I wish for a balm from all this. If only a real chicken soup for the lonely soul existed. How delicious and comforting the broth shall go down my throat: savoury and warm... My only wish... My only wish which I have for years and years... every year... was just that I could find... ... ~~~~~~

I'm such a hypocrite. For I told someone recently to believe in birthday wishes. I spent near 10 years of my life wishing for the same thing. And on my 21st birthday I spent it working without anyone knowing. But still I took the time to sit my a window and pray hard for a magical 21 birthday wishing god would hear... 

I wish that at least though... if my wishes never ever will come true... I wish my friend's wishes will come true. For at least I could be happy for others~ The wine of this world that shall truly be... so I could get drunk and forget all of my own wishes and just be happy~~

I hear thunder outside... a storm is probably approaching... But fear not. This is no metaphor. My heart is still calm perhaps just it's showering lightly right now... Let's close the window less we get a cold 

I Dream Of A Desert With Golden Sand

There isn't much sand in the hour glass. Watch the golden grains fall gracefully from the bottleneck in its fragile container, and we ask ourselves what we've made of our time so far? Do we ebb away as time goes by? For merciless time waits for no one.

We all pondered over decisions sometime in our lives and hoped that time would freeze before we made up our minds. Like a cogwheel of fate we could never stop moving. For even if I halted, the people around me continued to run and I soon find myself moving. But when I moved on from whence I paused... A wave of melancholy hits me and I become ambivalent. For perhaps I could have... Perhaps I should had... 

We all have our stories to tell in this city of chatter and drama. Sometimes... circumstance forces us to make decisions we hate ourselves for but we thought to ourselves: It is for the best. But why is it that every night our decisions still haunt us like a vengeful ghost that refuses to fade? We hardened our hearts when we cast that final vote in our subconscious: A tipping of the scales to favor the other. We gave up our souls for the practical and we remorse from the loss of our sacrifices. What did we give up to be here right now? For in this storybook of alternative endings we can never help but wonder what time would have brought us there and then when we chose our pathways...

Do you regret? For time is a cruel mistress... It renders our soul when we think of the past and so we ran and ran just so that we could never look back anymore. With a tear in the eye and a sting of the nose, we told ourselves to be stronger to brave the World out there. Did we thus grow up as we escaped from reality? Or are we still children, perhaps just wanting to look stronger. Verily no one can ever run faster than one who runs forward, when we all just choose to run away.

And as we brave the vast ocean before us and plunge in to the ocean of blue. We struggle to stay afloat and we venture beyond our shores to our own ideal paradise. We try so hard to reach our destinations and we expended all we can just to reach there faster. We told ourselves in our hearts: That everything will finally make sense once we reach there and we no longer needed to swim anymore. For that moment our wills strengthened-- Like an iron pillar of strength. We shall not be moved~~

But don't just rush to go forward and forget to look back. For as we swim forward we need to ask ourselves if we ever did moved as much as we thought we did? For the sea is different from the swimming pool we have so accustomed ourselves to. Do not forget the current and the waves.

I'm so tired of never looking back. I'm human after all ain't I? But was it truly the best decision to keep my eyes focused on the prize or was it just because I dared not look back, fearing that the truth was I never did moved away from the shore from whence I came. To whither am I going I asked myself deep inside. For the destination I had in mind was never what I really wanted. But I deceived my body to move when the truth was that I could never ever lie to myself for even a second. Only distracted...

And so I recited my terrible tale to others and despaired as I see the glittering sand slide through my shaky hands... There's suffering in my past as much as there is for others. But it made me stronger and that much kinder. It made me realize how weak I was and thus be humbled. For when I look into the eyes of others I see myself and take pity and envy.

So the golden sands of time continue to flow. In this rat race that I live in now. Who can wait for me when I couldn't even wait for myself? But hope never dies-- It never does. For where there is dismay there too be hope. Working hand in hand inside me. Am I on the right path now? That I'll never ever know. But with this glimmer of hope I continue to move on. Loving the occasional blessings that come my way: Friends and laughter and such~~

I dreamed of a desert filled with sand. It was so golden and so rich like I've never seen before. For in that fantasy time was aplenty. And I drowned myself inside the sands of time which was always fleeting but never mine... ... 

Loveless In Love City

Are we going up or are we going down? Are we moving forward or are we moving back? Different perspectives often shed light on things we never dared think about. We wake up every morning and put on our lenses, think we have seen it all and experienced it all and then happily take off our lenses just before we go to bed. But is there more that we missed each and every single day as we trudge through a day of heartache or as we skip through a day of rainbows and smiles. Perhaps what we really need is an Optometrist to check our vision and verify if our lenses need some correction after all.

What is love exactly? A passionate feeling that we all crave desperately to fill that void within us. A feeling of sweetness like that of dark chocolate, yet bitter and dry; A sip of lemonade so sour and tart yet refreshing alike a gentle spring breeze. Yet we hate it so much as well because things always do backfire on us don't they? And guess what? The cherry on top of this recipe for disaster will always be Murphy's old saying: That if something can go wrong it will go wrong. Cliche as it is... it reeks bitter irony and we find ourselves suffering from daily cardiac arrests from the bolts from the blue with regards to love and its aftershocks.

And I see so many couples and the budding romances of aplenty dance around me as I venture forth into this World in search of my own love story. Indulging in the love of the media- novels and movies- intoxicate me so much with mesmerizing fantasies and fuzzy warm feelings. For I want to be the perfect lover for you. So I try and try to be at my best, and I give it my all just so that you will see that. That which I value so much above all. But if you asked me why... I'll never have an answer at all~~

We all go mad once in awhile. But what of the madness that afflicts us when we go crazy for our beloved? The hunger for the attention and the affection for the care. Identical to a drug that subtly poisons our bodies and poisons our minds. And very soon, I tell you the truth, you find yourself so truly intoxicated that you lost yourself in this pool of venom. How appalling indeed.

What I am trying to talk about is the motivation behind love. Such a horror it truly is but yet so many treasure it above all else. There must truly be a secret to this enigma that has so cleverly worked its ways into our hearts and minds-- How insidious is love? Though it is so complex that we never could comprehend the reason why 'I love you so much when you've hurt me as much'.

How painful is the heart thus wrenching and how deep is the scar of my spirit? For with each time you gave up on me my soul rendered. Through you I learnt to value but at the same time learnt to fear... A rose with thorns I shall name you. A beauty and a beast~

What is true love exactly? We ask ourselves each and every single day. Be it singles or couples or newly wedded spouses-- Each and every single day the definition of that feeling is much supplemented. It is our nature to complicate things as much as we deny it; as it is our nature to be stubborn to admit it. There must be something that is so alluring. For even the most ugly of worms could one day sprout wings and become the butterflies pleasing to our eyes.

I may not be Mr. Shakesphere and I am surely no veteran in the wars of romance. But I always did believe that one honest voice speaks louder than a crowd- You could agree or disagree with me- but no one can argue that the truth will always resonate in our minds.

Love is not about giving and receiving. How cliche can this statement be? But verily that cannot be further than the truth. When we give our feelings and we sacrifice our time let us not have any expectations of return. Love is not an occupation-- Ground it deep in you that whatever you work for will not be paid back. But instead... love is more like a stock market. Sometimes it rises and sometimes it falls. Invest all your life savings in the most prospective share and the next thing you know is that the company declared bankrupt. But do not let this deter you. For what great things come without great risks?

Let's not be selfish to who we call our beloved. That when we want to be together with someone. Think not about: 'Is she the right one for me?' but instead think: 'Am I the right one for her?'. To love someone is not to gratify your own needs and desires. It is the overwhelming madness that drives you to do business that makes no profit. And now if only more companies would think this way in this cold world of politics and profit and we could no sooner rename the earth the Utopia.

But when love comes to an end. Let us weep bitter tears, for the feelings were real at one time... =( As much as our hearts are slashed by the cruelty of reality we need to stay strong to be able to live to find the person who asks herself: 'Am I the right one for him'. It is hard to imagine at the present state of our minds... But I have to try hard because people believe in me and try their best to comfort me. The love of friends is the most blue of the oceans and as deep as any of those waters.

At first glance the seas hide their true depth for all things appear closer than they really are when we gaze upon the surface of the pool. But jump in and you'll realize how deep the feelings can run and how much was waiting to be discovered. It's really alright to be hurt and there's no miracle cure for heartaches. But believe in the future and don't be afraid anymore. Trust the people around you for they truly care about you. Don't feel bad to use a friend once in awhile. For I tell you the truth: What are friends for? If not for the french benefits? ;)

May the stars and the moon hear and grant a wish-- Be it airplanes in the night sky that resemble shooting stars... I could really use a wish right now wish right now wish right now...