Broken Shards Of The Past

I know now... that all this while I've been the person who is the root of all the problems... It was never a problem with him... But it is truely sad to know that it is me =/// Christians have 10 commandments and so do I after this incident. =X I see myself in the same state as I were during the SJ incident and it pains me to no end that I'm such a loser... I hereby recite my own 10 commandments and may my conviction guide me to sorely remember them as do they literally plunge a knife deep into my heart...

1. I am a failure as an empath
2. I am a lousy friend as much as I tried to be a good one
3. I am weird
4. Everything I do or try to do is wrong
5. He will never take me as a good friend ever again
6. I am a selfish bastard
7. I am in denial
8. Who am I to ask for this friendship
9. I don't deserve it
10. I ought to leave everyone alone because I suck

I feel very hurt honestly and very sad... But I'm in the wrong so am I to go around asking for sympathy. A murder in a murder and no one gives a damn to a murderer. I can only wallow in my own self pity and just stay away from everyone. I really didn't know... I'd have been such a horrible person... But maybe I've just been in denial =///

A Long Day Into Right

I really really don't understand what's going on... ... I always thought I was an empathetic soul who is understanding and always try to think for the good of everyone. Yet today I find myself in a situation where I find I am a failure at all the stated items... =/// I come to realize a limitation to my abilities and that is that for me to read and understand someone that someone has to open up his heart first. If the person so decides to close his heart up then no matter how hard I try... no matter how hard I hope... no matter how much I put in... All that means point blank. Sad but true =/

I feel so depressed inside and I have no idea why exactly or maybe I do... The truth is of all things I desire nothing more than to do what he wants... I just want to do something that makes him happy for once... but to know what is it that he wants from me... is in itself a challenge... and I cry... I want to before I sleep... Because all this is that important to me.

The Door That Was Left Open

I left my bunk door open... Half-hearted with a pinch of hope. I knew in the depths of my heart that while one door opens, another door closes. Yet... Humans are but foolish creatures that wish for things that are too much to hope for... =x Things would have been better if dreams were dashed and hopes decimated... But what would be left will be but an empty soul-less vessel.

My door is open as is my heart... I feel the pain within the vulnerability it brings. I cry inside... Or maybe I died. Barriers are formed and the world just got colder because speaking through a closed door only reopen old wounds. The walls of the corridor echo out distant dreams of the past... as would they bear mute witness to history. A history I yearn yet know is but a distant fantasy.

Two more days to revelations. A day where an answer long known will be spoken out in reality and hence accepted. The day when time will flow again... because it waits for no one; because it heals all wounds; because it is what everyone wants; because it is what I want; because it is a means to an end that should have ended long long time ago...

I am a mute... I am blind... I am deaf... But I'm not oblivious still... ...

Film Without Sound

Well... I guess this is the bookout that I was craving so much about... yet it is the afternoon of a bookout but I still feel so damn bored and lonely =X I told a friend I would control myself this weekend and practise restraint. It's really hard when my mind keeps thinking but I realise I can't sleep forever because I have to wake up sometime and then things come to mind again... I made that conversation before I decided to swear off contact... I took his word for it... But I think I can't blame him for his actions... I can only be silent and pretend that nothing had happened... ...

What's Really On My Mind

I wonder why... What he commented when I told him that I want to help that sorts of sets me thinking... It was just a simple one word... or perhaps it was a sentence that needed no completing... 'It won't...' I would want to argue to that, but then again maybe he's right =/// The things I told my friends about the spark, that could also be wishful thinking on my part. I mean I have to face the fact that from now on, he's going to put in a constant effort not to be close to me and that in itself is quite sad... =/// And this is my honest feelings that the thought of it feels sad...

It feels hurting to know that someone you care about is keeping himself away from you...

Taking It From Here

It all ended on the 31st of March... And I cried and cried for ages, and visited reality with a face that says a thousand words of sorrow. I always knew what the answer would be, yet when it happened and I received the impact firsthand, my heart was stabbed right smack in the middle. I was afraid at first and didn't want to accept your offer because I didn't know if I could live with that and mostly because my heart was bleeding and I couldn't think straight then. Thanks everyone who showed me that you cared... Even though things happened in such a way that I was truely unhappy for a long time, I never expected that people would be so patient and offer me a hand to hold when I feel the most helpless... ... I made a lot of good friends in the process and I'll never forget how they helped me pull through my toughest moments in life. When I finally calmed down after the big downpour, I decided I wanted to take up your offer because I really really don't think this is worth losing you as a friend. I know a scar exists from now onwards... But as my friends told me that we should just take it from here and go. Don't think so much, and just live life. I'm glad to see you recovered quite well... I'm sorry I must have made you feel so bad when I was so sad that day but I needed time to digest. You woke me up from a path that was leading to nowhere and I really appreciated it. I know you probably dun treat me as such a good friend anymore as you previously do. But I still do treat you as a good friend and I'll be there to help you when you need it... ... and this time if we do become good friends again in the process... I'll make sure it goes the right way this time... ...