Living Off Your Own Blood

I am very angry... No rather I think I am really frustrated and vex at the fact that my parents always quote the same things when we argue, and the worst thing is I can never win because I owe them my life. As much as Singapore goes by the motto: No one owes Singapore a living; Ironically I happen to owe my own parents a living.

How I wish I was more independent... Able to live without them; Able to survive. I swear one day... whether be it out of filial piety, or even all the frustration accumulated over the years I am going to make sure I repay every single thing they did for me. So that they can never use that same old line back at me. I dun EVER like to owe anyone anything. I don't want to be a reigned horse who is too afraid to defy the ringmaster.

Because as of now... I think it's true that I do live off my parents. And I can do no freaking thing to be fucking INDEPENDENT because as of now... before I embark on my journey to success I still have to live under them until I graduate from my university which is probably 4-5 years down the road. It really sucks...

And deep down I do understand why they scold me and such... and I am disappointed that I let rage take over... I am selfish because I want others to do things for me just because I thought blood was thicker than water. When the truth as it is... I realise I am the only one around be it family or friends who is actually the type of person that will go the extra mile just to make others happier even if it means I take the sh!t... ...

Words That Bring Sorrow

There are just things in the mind not meant to be said... Not because it's a secret; Not because it will surprise people; Not because it will change the way things are... It is just that because some things when spoken out and vocalized will only cause sadness. It is because everyone knows it and probably people choose not to feel it. I cut off those thoughts when they delve too deep, yet I know it exists deep inside... That is why when people question I opt to be the mute...

Is there really a right and wrong way to do things in this world? Is it really such that whatever we do is always the right thing. Is it really true that personal expression is always a show of one's individualism? Then tell me why I feel so restricted to be myself. Tell me why I am so self-conscious.

I really really fear that the same cycle will repeat again... ... Because I really want to bring it to an end... No more please...

Fate Vs Chance

Is it fate or chance? I can never decide... ...

Time always flies so fast whenever things are nearing an end. While the same time spent in between may seem mundane and painful to the receiver. I guess people only start to realize how much things actually mean to them when they are about to be lost, and time is the one thing that can never be replaced =X

The family members that we have; The friends we meet that come and go; The strangers who touch our lives; The strangers whom we touched with our life... I wonder if everything we have today is more of a compliment to chance or fate, and then I stop to ask myself whether I have a chance to change my fate.

I really hate goodbyes. Especially when the people involved mean that much to you. When deep inside you truely wish that everybody can forever be living together and interacting with each other day in and day out. But everyone knows- and I know- that friendships come and go. Our common work has brought us together. It had given us a chance to have a fateful encounter, and I am almost for certain in meeting each and everyone. Each and everyone of us change somehow because of this fateful encounter...

I wish... I wish so hard and sometimes it stings. But then a good friend of mine told me to cut off my thoughts whenever I delve too deep into them, and it has made the thought of things much more bearable. I suppose now... I leave it to fate to decide... ... To decide if we have a chance to actually be fated as friends for life... or just... colleagues =/

Silently Loud

It's been 1/4 year, 3 months and about 90 days... Still that fragment of a distant memory lingers and stabs somehwere inside where it is sore and raw. I asked myself what exactly it is that I'm feeling... But sometimes feelings are indescribable. =X In my heart sometimes I'm screaming and shedding a tear, yet, I find no real words to express, only to stay silently loud, and hoping someone would hear. =/

I told people before that individualism is a gift. Ironically, I turned out to be the greatest hypocrite of them all because I don't believe in what I say. I always find myself so different. I feel left out and lonely, but sometimes I feel I complain too much over too little. All my life, since I was born, I've been surrounded by good people who care and protect me in the most adverse of storms. I've grown up surrounded by people who I can trust; I've met all the right people at the right time... I've never ever been exposed to the darker side of the world -- Only the bright and sunny.

Even though the course is soon coming to an end... Memories linger on. I remember all the fond memories but also the unpleasant ones. Till today, they haunt me and I sustain internal injuries day in and day out. I am not a confident individual to begin with, and I really care about how other people think and care. I know... I'm not such a great person as well... Hoping always to be someone that I'm not. How I wish I were this person or that... I'm weak... period.

A Lot That Fulfilled Its Prophecy

Do you believe in lots? Believe in prophecies or even a higher power up there somewhere that already knows the route chart out for you? A lot has gone by... Flashes of memories in my head now like a film in black and white; without sound. I prayed to god when I most desperately needed a miracle, a refuge for my restless soul... It came to me in a message which I now see fit where it belongs.

I didn't achieve what I desired to achieve from the beginning, but I tell myself I should not be too greedy. Be satisfied with what I have and not to be unhappy with what I don't. It's always easy to say that to look back is to regret and to look forward should be the present. But frankly, how many of us really do that? Today is a very special day because I finally attained my IPPT silver. On the last round of my 2.4km run I thought I would die... My heart wanted to give way, yet I told myself at that waning moment... ... Even if I were to die, I MUST make it to the finishing line. Because this is no longer... about... ME.... It is no longer about pushing myself; no longer about pride; no longer about family; no longer about friends. It is because it involves a lot of people, fighting so damn hard to believe in me more than I ever did believed in myself... =X

I feel comforted by all those lights in the dark. I contemplate as to whether those are more of stress or should they be the encouragement that will make me all the more determined to succeed. I can only say... The deed is finally done. I accomplished something which I have worked for 5 months and have kept everyone waiting with me. I think I achieved this not only for myself but to everyone who believed in me and supported me. I cried on the phone when I told my mum of the good news in the morning. She had been so worried and everytime when I take my IPPT she will never forget to send me an SMS to wish me all the best even though her english is poor and I think she probably asked my sister how to translate to english from mandarin. =X

A boulder has lifted. I feel different. In some ways I no longer feel as much like the liability of the course and such. It's been a long way down this path... I still have lingering thoughts... I wonder why I still feel affected by him... And yet I dunno what word is the right one to use when I see him and I get that mysterious feeling. The only thing I know is that it's not a pleasant feeling. And one more thing... I feel... ... always had... been lonely =/// And I feel sad about it sometimes...