The Moon Which Borrows the Light

Can't help but be compelled by my feelings to blog once again. I think I understood why certain things are as such and why they have to be that way... Frankly it still hadn't pretty much been digested yet and my wound still hurts as time had promised to heal all wounds- I can only wait...

Learnt something unexpected today and suddenly just so suddenly I feel so blessed. To have someone try so hard just so I won't be disappointed; To have someone try so hard because the person empathized and knew the hurt I savoured (though 'savoured' is used loosely). Yet I didn't know about it until today and can't help but feel tears welling in my eyes.

I'm really not sure what will happen here and now. I look back and questioned if that faithful day should be altered. That faithful day when I chose to be different and decided not to be trapped there and venture out. Supposingly if I did... I would never have gotten so hurt; But also I wouldn't have met so many awesome people.

Ha ha ha... I wonder why is it everything that has happened makes me wanna cry. Even for just a little it feels oddly satisfying. When did i last shed a tear? A tear so sincerely meant to express sadness, happiness all into one... Melancholy~~~

Abandon Ship

Whenever I blog it is a release so the more I blog... The more stormy I am inside... =X All these things I'm feeling and facing... Can't help but think they all branch out from a single root. Deep down perhaps I do know what that is. To let this seed of discord lay root on my heart and slowly work it's way into my head and actions.

Just last night I had this horrible dream that made me so scared when i woke up. Being trapped on Sudong Island with a murderer =/// And I had to hide and stay so quiet and calling for help. Can't help flipping the pages of my dream interpreter to understand what the dream was telling me.

Why must everything be so much reflections of each other =/ When there is something that can cause so much joy it can turn just as sour and sear you as sharply as a piercing knife. I told myself I would abandon everything a month ago didn't I? =X then why is it I never seemed to learn and I wanted to be hopeful and try again. As the days drew near I somehow could sense it in the air and through the power of feelings. That paranoid gut feeling~~~

Perhaps I always knew how things would turn out. But I was stubborn enough to hope things might turn out more differently as I expected. So I had held on to so much hope only to fall to rock bottom and hurt myself- So I see as I blog more frequently nowadays. Please PLEASE stop hurting yourself anymore Zhao Mian =/ Don't try so hard anymore... and worst don't try so hard to hurt yourself even more...

The Great Enigma

I think I should have realized by now how much alike I am to a lone leaf floating gently down the stream. How I move and drift at the slightest ripple. How the calm water surface so closely resembles my emotional state; How easily it is disturbed by the most subtle touch of a coming breeze.

I have thought to myself so many times... About how I wished I could read what people were really feeling and thinking. If only I were an empath or a telepath... Yet sadly I am neither one. =/

Do people think about whether whatever they do is right or wrong all the time? I am afraid to do so many things because I always have this dread feel that whatever I do will make others unhappy. So I thought twice and thrice... and sometimes more... But even with so much caution I still make mistakes... I really dunno what other people think and feel... It really is so confusing... =///

7 Months Ago

7 Months ago when I first entered the race, I wanted to change the world. I was hopeful then and extremely optimistic. Despite people laughing at the sheer thought of my naive ideas, I was determined to give it my best shot because I believed from the depths of my heart that no voice was too small. And so I gave the best of my energy and placed in a great deal. I wanted to be known as the best and wanted to start a new life from a wrecked past. I wanted to be someone and not a nobody.

6 Months ago, life started to get tough... I felt like a slave and had no life. I was also consumed by emotions and obsessed with my feelings of paranoia. It eventually led to my downfall and so I thought it was the end of the world. Days of emo and nights of tears~~~ A friendship was recreated but destroyed by my very own hands. It only taught me some things were never meant to be...

4 Months ago I encountered the greatest job I thought I would ever get. It was so stressful and felt like breaking down so many times than I could count. I refused to give up and I still wanted to change the world. Half the time working my guts out, my heart was still wounded. It was a painful and lonely experience. That's when I noticed that nobody gives a damn about your plight as long as you present something good on the table. Whatever happens underneath the table is up to other's discretion. Those sweat and blood put behind... They will never know... I only knew if I did something wrong no matter how hard I tried, it was still failure =///

3 Months ago the huge project finally ended and I swore I wept tears of happiness. I received a new duty to become the guardian of an offshore island. I wanted to be someone different... And for once in my whole NSF life I could be at peace. I clawed my way literally to where I was. There I met friends that cared and I opened my heart to everyone of them because I believed in the trust that everyone cared for one another. It was a paradise away from my old days of pain and agony.

1 Month ago I started to lose all faith in changing the world. The world is a huge place afterall... And I was foolish enough to have thought I had the power to change things. I got betrayed by the very people I tried to help... Betrayed by the very people I groomed. I believed by giving them the care and concern I never had when I first entered the race they might be the seeds of the new generation to build a friendlier place... But I was horribly mistaken. I drifted further away from the old days and sought refuge with the people of the island where I could truely be myself.

Today, I have lost all hopes for a better tomorrow =X I countdown to the days when I would finally leave the old days behind me. Everyone is so hostile and I feel no sense of belonging. I feel so judged and misunderstood and this only keeps drawing the line between me and them. The truth is the World is SO big... And I felt unappreciated halfway. When I was in trouble, I felt no one would help me. And when people were in trouble I tried to help as much as I could =/ It's true I'm no saint. Perhaps I can say one fact: I wanted to try to be one. But I was selfish in the end and I admit it. I also thought too highly of myself when I am so weak =/

I want to be smarter, more powerful, richer and so on and so forth... Because if I were perfect I dun need to rely on anyone anymore. I just want to solve my own problems and help people solve theirs... But most of the time when I thought I was helping people, the people around probably helped me just as much...

I look back to the past 7 months and I saw my own evolution. And for a time... I felt sad... sad that I lost my initial beliefs for in the end I chose to give up on changing the world for I changed myself to suit in instead...

Overkill

I started out with good intentions but ended up twisted and selfish. I lost myself inside it all... consumed by my own passion and determination, and mostly due to my stubborn attitude. I thought too highly of myself, always trying so hard to do things which I felt were different. But in the long run, I only come to realize that I had overestimated myself. I disregarded every single thing in my path that were passing~ Yet I was ignorant enough to have thought I had a pure soul and the best of intentions. =X

I became an invader unknowingly. Creating unrest and stir, and demanding things of people. A thousand apologies would have meant nothing could time be reversed and things undone. Sadly, I had committed the sin and created the consequences. For at the end of the day I only can say I've tried too hard... I've tried too hard and trying too hard is just wrong... =///

So I want a break now... I want to stay a distance at least for a time until my messed up thoughts are sorted out. Otherwise it is living an utter hell... I promise... ... I won't try so hard anymore... ... but what will happen now? =S

Because I Asked Myself

Because I asked myself... A lot of questions about everything. My brain is constantly thinking and sometimes I do things which amaze myself. Is there really a right way to do things? Or is everything by default?

I always wonder if I am more of a saint or a sinner. Am I trying too hard for so many many things. I hated to be lonely, only to find myself even more lonely than ever. I wonder when it all happened~ When everything changed and I adopted this persona.

I long to be free from such cold thoughts. To fly the clear blue skies with no abandon. Perhaps it's better if I just stopped caring but can I truely do it when my empathetic abilities are so overwhelming... I wanted to say to whoever this might concern:

I think I tried too hard le bah? I wanted to like no other and gave it my most sincere and warmest. But I didn't ever wanted to become a selfish man just so I could be happy. Because that wasn't going to be my intention from the start. I might have err along this path but I swear my heart was pure with zero ulterior motives. All I ever wanted was to be friends with everyone. But I forgot-I guess- along the way that it always takes 2 hands or more to clap. I won't want to be a bother anymore...

My birthday wish soon to come... If there really was a most powerful, 21st birthday wish... It shall not be wasted on finding a gf like the past 20 odd years... This time I only wish... I could find a _________ in everyone....