Four Seasons

All is new as a new dawn breaks - wildflowers abloom like the fireworks on a dark and barren night. The first sun beams that break across that land, much like a sweep of gold as a result of one such delicate Midas touch. The harsh frosts melt and a new era flourishes - such a beautiful sight to see; as pretty as a painting. Even the strictest winter's footprints dissolve to provide the crystalline streams that irrigate the plains restoring precious life to a field that saw only despair - a "dream field" of a slumbering child~

With every step there is a song of wonders to be and will become. The scent of happiness that wafts in the air and brings such delight and excitement to a stone-cold heart that refused to shine. Spring was a miracle: spring is a miracle. Spring was the hope that awoken the sleepy and gave rejuvenation to one so dying... So let it be...

Then there's summer - the season of love and passion so warm it sunburns. The shrilling songs of the cicadas that signals the arrival of this season. So bright and irritating but so distinct and familiar. The cacophony of sounds that brings the summer fever to the dating couples in the parks of the evenings - strolling so gently but so romantically (your hand in mine - my hand in yours)... As we walk, as we walk, as we walk all night...

The sun's so merciless, bringing scorching heat to anyone in his path. The hearts that sweat in the blistering heat, the heat that ignites the passion of the soul... the heat and sound of a couple making love in the bushes of a hot and sweltering night - made mystified by the fireflies that swarm the gardens like shooting stars and twinkling little fairy lights. Summer was the heat that scorched the heart and numbed the senses - it brought great addiction and satisfaction to one who awoke from a beautiful spring... so hot it was; so intense it became... it was the heat that one could never forget but savour.

But all good things always comes to an end - because with the peak comes the fall and with dawn comes dusk... What comes from the earth dies and goes back into the earth as ashes: ashes we were and ashes we become indeed... The emerald lush can bear their vibrancy no longer. Subjected to the turn of the seasons to shed their beautiful coats and succumb to an ocean of red and barren branches.

So as we sit on a creaking swing and watch the sunset in the west, do we remember the times when the scenery around us was so much different? When the wind was not so empty and quiet and when the land once seemed so brimming with life-everlasting. The night seemed longer even though it was always the same - just the longing grew deeper, weaving itself insidiously into the depths of our hearts.

I'm sipping on a cup of freshly brewed tea... reminiscing a memory that I could not safe and cherishing the remains of an ember that I felt was soon to be extinguished. In autumn we remember and in autumn we learn to cherish what we once had and now do not. In dusk we long for dawn and with every dawn we appreciate each and every single day even as the winds got harsher (bringing with it the howling cold) and the trees provided less and less cover with each passing day... Autumn will be the final leap ~

Alas... there is only silence. Even in the mid of day and the deep of night there is only nothing but dead silence. It became so cold suddenly and so quickly that my heart froze and so did my blood. Even nightly tears crystallize and those wet eyes become so dry. So sleepy... so sleepy...

Always hoping but never really believing... that after this season there will come another spring... that in this season the winter hibernation will be the last; or simply because a cycle is too torturous for one whose heart is so tender and wounded...

I don't know if I'll wake up anymore... if the sun will ever come or if I'll live through the night... I only know it's cold and I take comfort hiding under a blanket beneath my bed. The only refuge from the elements and the only mask from all the lies~

Winter is the ultimatum of life... the ultimatum deciding between if I died inside or not...

One More Reason

I found another new reason to live on today. Things come in an unexpected way all the time. I suppose this is what they refer to as a bolt from the blue. But I told myself some time ago that  I  will write down the reasons for living in a huge glass bottle every time there is one to be found and see how much of this empty jar I can fill up.

Truth be told... who knows what lies ahead? But then I never hear any one complaining even though I'm pretty sure that everyone around me is as baffled by the unknown and facing their own demons some where else in some other form. Yet there are moments to be cherished despite being badly wounded or being poisoned and when things still hurt badly... Do we call that being ambivalent?

Maybe I had studied too much business analytic and I can safely say that happiness and unhappiness are not mutually exclusive events... Neither are they tangible enough to be assessed in such a way that happiness has a probability p and hence unhappiness (1-p). They can never be discrete possibilities... Is it normal? I don't know for sure... I just know it is a spectrum~

A spectrum that I am carried away as I find my own voice and my own direction...

I thank someone who made me feel special today. Because you are the new additional reason to live on still... Simple words mean meaningless rumblings... But in this case... your words... though simple... were deeper to me than anything else... Thank you...

On another note... Love is blind~ I can never judge any more... who and who gets together or feel what is right and what is wrong. Because the truth to love is a feeling that transcends all... gender, age, feelings, status, race alike... 

To the dreamfields

Been having such bizarre dreams lately that it sort of makes me distracted during the day; during those moments when I am walking somewhere; during moments when I am just sitting on the toilet bowl on a constipation streak - Because I keep thinking back and trying to recall vague details and try to make sense out of things.

There are so many theories put forth to explain the science behind dreams. As much as I don't know the real reason why they exist I do subscribe more to the explanation that dreams are the manifestation of fragments of memories (both conscious and sub-conscious). This is why there may be people in your dreams that you feel that you have not seen before and that may not be so untrue. Why? Because... When we sleep our memories are just randomly jumbled together into a mesh-work. This means that it is possible that you dream about someone who is constructed from your memories of 20 different people and their features. Hence, this person may not exist at all.

The funny part about dreams I suppose is how realistic they are. It is just like an out of body experience, more realistic than any HD-TV can provide. You are the main character of the story or you are an observer either in your own body or through another person's eyes. Yet there is little you can do but go along with the story. But one thing scientists all believe and hold true: Dreams may be fantasies (or nightmares) but the emotions we feel are real. This is why scientist propose that dreaming is a response to coping with emotional release that one usually with-holds during the typical day. It helps the mind to release the emotions that are built-up so that one can manage stress and emotions more effectively in daily life.

I don't know what to believe really... Sometimes... what is logical is not always true. But those that are illogical turn out to be the ones that are true... No one knew the Earth was round in the past... and yet today we do not subscribe to that... why is that?

I have become an insomniac... floating from place to place like a ghost. I dare not approach others in fear of being a bane, because I'm not the only person that is having a bad life... everyone is? Just that people are not whining... That kind of internal strength and self-belief... I wish I had it... I remember a song:

"Nobody likes me; everybody hates me... so I'm gonna eat some worms~"

My silent prayer: Let the object of objection be but a dream and cause the scene to be unseen...

Personification of the art of pastry-making

\
Baking is a skill that take years to perfect and strict discipline and patience to master. Unlike conventional cooking and frying the fun - as much as it is the nightmare - comes with the preparation of the batter/ mix that you would eventually place into an oven. Follow the recipe strictly and sometimes you still find that your cake or pastry comes out looking radically different the beautiful ones featured in the recipe you just tried to follow. Why's that?

First of all, the quantity of each ingredient is crucial. This is especially important for the making of a souffle which is a classic example of proportion that goes to the gram. Next there is a difference between the use of hand kneading and machine mixing. Even though using a mixer nowadays is the norm, using hands do have its advantages as the warmth in our hands help to speed up some of the processes in the kneading. Third, be sure to separate your eggs carefully and whisking your whites to perfection. Just a tiny bit of egg yolk and the fats in it will cause the consistency of your cake to go terribly wrong - imagine rock hard cakes instead of nice and airy ones.

Then comes the epic moment of placing it in the oven. Setting the correct temperature settings and then just sitting in front of the oven and watching our favourite 'oven-channel'. The moment of truth: when the timer rings and we open that oven door to see our own creations literally risen from the ashes. But more often than not that is not the case...

A lot of things in life are like baking. It is an art that is so difficult to perfect. Sometimes I try to emulate others but never seem to succeed in what others could. I laughed at myself for my own stupidity. Get impatient sometimes too... Ever opened an oven to see your cake before it is finished? It ruins the cake by the way: The cake will collapse or the sudden influx of cold air will cause your cake to become dense. 

Like I said baking is very different from conventional cooking. For conventional cooking, if something goes wrong you can add more salt/water/sugar. But for a cake it is so different. Whatever comes in will come out as it is. You cannot pour water over your completed piece if it is too dry. Neither can you sprinkle sugar over it or cook it longer to make it cooked inside or the outside will just be charred.

What I am trying to say really is... Once you put it in... there really is no turning back. You can try to be like others all your life but then everyone's recipes seem to never work for you... It is so hard to resonate... but so easy to try... But to succeed always becomes second to failure and more failure... I still ask myself why was it that... 

There was no sound; no look; no eye; just plain silence even though it was in the middle of a class... 

And of course... another matter: How I feel that there is no greater sadness than when the other closes a door behind you when you thought that it will be opened for a longer time... Looks like another night on the streets with no place to go to...

A refugee... always~

A Glimpse of Deja Vu

It probably felt like there was no choice... Ran and ran until one could no longer take another step. The mountain of feelings that stockpiled could never have expected its perpetrator to be the certainty of one so sure that it was the only way - conviction. 

But the truth was not what was conceived; neither was it what was believed... The truth was that it wasn't just that nothing is blinder than when both eyes are shut and decisions are then made based on that split second impulse fueled by conviction and zeal. Self-righteous and pompous;

Let what was trivial turn others to shame. When a mountain out of a molehill spelled doomsday for one you knew just because it mattered but people didn't know any better~ No one did... No one expected... But there was hope: Heaven's will? Divine intervention?

I felt sad to know... to feel yet again: this time outside inward that even one I never knew could wrench my heart to no end and shed a tear... I dare not imagine how many others that would have wept bitter tears for one they could not save and just ask and ask: why? Just so that one who had died inside could once more~ not just for the sake of those that mourned. But for continuing the story that has yet to have a definitive ending...

But could I have done something? Said something? Because I KNOW... I know...

Until now it is  a poison that works insidiously inside... yet as much as life is such a piece of crap... I know too that being poisoned does not rob me of my right to be happy about other things... Being hurt does not mean I must make the whole world feel my pain... Just most importantly... it is about building yourself from scratch... discard the hate and then find out - even when it is a painful journey - what else lies ahead and how to make those that matter matter even more...

The Straws That Broke The Camel's Back

I still remember this phrase so well... I can hear it in my mind all the time it scares me - Like a distant echo that resounds in my head like a sonorous bell... Every day and every waking moment as I continue to ignore the voices and throw the old things away in order to usher in the new it still hurts a lot. It was what you said that time:

"It is the straws that broke the camel's back..."

How true indeed. No matter how many bitter tears - filled with regret - I shed like a cascading fountain will never revive the dead. This is no drama... only delusion. But how does one deal with that? How does one hang on so tightly to a rope that slowly breaks off fiber by fiber... Until in the end even when you are in tears and in sweat and left with a bleeding heart... Someone just takes a knife and cut off that single thin thread connecting the two... and I fell... ... Fell and fell~

For a time I was lost like a child in a bustling city... I wanted nothing more than to find a place where I could seek shelter and refuge from the rain outside. Even though nowadays... it probably rains less often above my head... I can't help thinking and recalling the images that play in my mind like a film without sound. 

To re-enact the scenes that has no colour and to see those mouths move but no voices come out. I wake up in the middle of the night multiple times to bizarre dreams of the people around me. I'll blame it on indigestion... but then again... I didn't even eat anything at all~ Too much on my mind I guess... but really really...

Every night when I go to bed... I ask myself why I am suffering so much for? What I am trying to become? But I guess most importantly... 

Why you had to take that knife and cut off that last thread... that even now as I am falling I still hold onto even though it is non-existent... and a bleeding wound that has yet to clot~

Taking A Dip Into Another Realm

I've always enjoyed swimming at the pool. But of course I hate the crowds and the weekend mornings when there are just so many kids flooding the pool because of swimming lessons. My initial intent to continue my swimming ritual begun with the intention to burn the calories. But every time I take that plunge and swim that distance I feel serene and at peace. For each plunge I make into that cold water and break the surface of calm... I enter into a world of memories and hear my own voice that echoes from a distant past... So many memories flood back to me and I get overwhelmed with the excitement and joy of having lived life at least once...

I recalled a time when I was still such a child. When my aunt will pass me a bag of longans when I was about 4-5 years old. She will then tell me to play the usual game of the "longan tree". Silly me will hold onto those longans like I was a real tree and call my aunt when the longans had ripen so she could come eat them...

In another incident I remembered a time when I was a student leader overseas... How I facilitated a camp and interacted with kids from all over the World. They looked up to me and I remembered how I would participate in the games with them even though I was the facilitator. On the last day i think everyone cried. I really had fun and I learned so much from people from all over the World. More importantly... I also learned how similar everyone actually were as well... We all had a beating heart that when the common link is drawn together can beat as one...

I had vague memories of my OCS commissioning parade. The only thing I really remembered was my mum helping me put on my rank  and then there was the tossing of my headdress. One of the proudest days of my life; probably for my parents too. I was sad however that I had to say goodbye to a lot of my friends whom I had grown to love over the painful course of 9 months... Suddenly things came to an end...

Many many many such memories come to me... Whenever I plunge into that pool and swim without any abandon. It dawned on me halfway today though that things never ever did turn out the way that I ever expected them to. Because all the people I ever became good friends with came when I least expected it. The lives I touched... Some i leave behind while others touch me so much that even after they leave I can still hear their voices and picture that image that is frozen in time and stashed in my memory vault...

For a time I kept asking myself what was 'strong'. Until today I still can't really come up with that answer yet. I initially thought that being aggressive and strong-willed meant that I was strong. But I felt misguided. But in the end I admit to everyone today... I am weak... But I am strong because I know I am weak. I know I can't do everything I set out to do; I know I can never be the person everyone wants me to be... Of course... I know I cannot do everything by myself... Because when we come together we become strong... But by myself I am so frail... 

I may be weak... but I want to help; want to make a difference... Maybe my own power is meager. But I hope that in whatever people do... whether they are strong or weak... If I am to be there... I wish I can add on my power to make it stronger (even by just a little). 

I look into the mirror everyday and I see a guy I have not seen for a long time... I tell myself there are things that only I can do even though there are many things I know I can never be as good as others. But i try... and I work hard to do it... I still think I am a kid inside. But it doesn't really matter (though my father always scolds me for being a boy and not a man yet). But what's so bad about being a boy?

All I know is to always be sincere... and pure in my intentions... and never forget ever... that my feelings are just as important as others ever will be~ Because we're all alive...

Iron Will

I woke up today feeling weaker than I ever felt. Yet I still popped in those metabolism pills and put on my swimming attire. As fatigued and dizzy as I felt I had to drag on. It amazes me sometimes how much the human body can accomplish. I asked myself where on earth am I getting all this energy to study and to continue exercising so vigorously when I don't even eat anymore. I suppose the power of feelings really is the greatest motivator that this World has to offer.

In the face of food I refute even when my mind and my body aches for them. The harder it gets the stronger I want to do this. Everyone needs to be fat once in their life time to truly empathize why I have to feel so strongly about certain things.

With each stroke I made in that cold swimming pool in the early morning I told myself my body couldn't take this anymore. But I still persevered on and repeated the names of all the things that mattered to me. There was one point when I thought I would simply just stop and drown in the middle of the swimming pool but I didn't... even if I slowed down dramatically and saw people beside me overtake me I refused to give in to fainting or resting... Alas I accomplished the 40 laps sustained not by any energy food provides but simply because of my iron will and unyielding determination to make a difference for once...

Wobbly as my feet are now... and as dizzy as I feel... NOTHING will stop me. I can faint and be put on an IV drip... But rest assured I will pluck it right off... because I don't care what happens to me anymore. So BODY... LISTEN TO MY WILL AND MY HEART and SUPPORT ME; SUPPORT MYSELF and do NOT FALL... Let us align our goals body and mind and heart... because in every vision I close my eyes I only see a future that I dreamed... 

By The Power of Super Glue Can I?

Been on a hiatus for quite some time because I suddenly felt that going public is not always a good idea. Sometimes I wonder why people want to blog about stuff. I asked myself why is it that I want to blog about stuff? I suppose if it was something to do with venting then I might as well get a personal diary instead of sharing it openly. So I guess the real reason why I blog is because I feel very strongly about something and wish that someone else reading this somewhere sometime upon reading this can empathize and feel the way that I do too... Nothing complex really~

So many things had happened since I last penned down my thoughts here. It feels as though I can write volumes but I shall resist that and instead talk more about what is happening now. I think many a times, we face challenges in life. I don't know whether it is emotional, financial, relationship or anything else for that matter. But point is... they hurt. I dare not ever claim that I feel a lot of pain when somewhere out there right now is probably feeling some different kind of pain and mine probably pales in comparison.

So I had my moments. I cried a good hour or so when I was evicted and told to pack my bags and be imposed a 'restraining' order. Initially I was so angry at the ridiculous rules that I were given. But then I suppose... I couldn't do anything about it. Bad things happen due to our own folly sometimes and I have to take up the consequences since I was ready to commit the folly to begin with. Life will be different from now on. But then no one ever said different is always bad. No one also ever said that life would be easy.

But what can I do except to continue to live this life. Trying to find some purpose. I felt that I destroyed my own life just like a piece of glass thrown on the floor and broken into pieces. Right now... all I want to do is try to glue those pieces back together. Is the desire to restore what once was really so much to laugh? But of course... I know full well that even after I had finished piecing all these shards together the lines an cracks will forever follow me and be embedded in the minds and hearts of those around me.

I feel broken and I feel imperfect. But I suppose I shouldn't be afraid to say this out loud because I suppose everyone around me feels that way too. Just because people appear happy doesn't mean that their lives are any better just that they choose to be happy even when they are sad. I wonder if I am speaking sense right now. But I remember an angry friend who told me before that people can be sad and happy at the same time.

Even if life throws me the worst things and imposes on me the worst rules; Even if my paranoia is true and everyone around me actually secretly is irritated and annoyed at me... There is and never will be anything I can do except to use my own healthy pair of hands and legs and crawl up. Limp if I have to or worm on the floor if my legs hurt so badly... But continue to move forward hoping that I will find people who will accept me even as I am trying to accept myself...

And there is one more hurt left that still pains me... But I could do nothing about it but feel it. But then even though it hurts enough to make me want to cry. I will not... Because... I know that being hurt doesn't deprive me the right to smile. Because even the gloomiest person deserves a taste of rainbow. 

Will my 'undying love' - a blessing and a curse... really be but a distant dream... With time... and the magic of healing... will you hence go away? Because you are my motivation for so many things I suddenly realize how foolish I was in the past to not realize earlier... so that at least today we could still be...

Beached

There are just questions that we cannot find answers for; there are just answers that we can never seem to reconcile with... Even though such questions bother us from time to time... we still continue to move on with this uncertainty or perhaps a certainty that some things are always meant to be certain. I live in a world of black and white... Because I can never understand how someone can live with something not quite here and there... To me everything is just either black or white. Does this mean that I'm simple? Perhaps too naive and stubborn to change my ways and grow up to be an adult who can deal with the shades and hues of grey.

Yet I talk to my little bear bear every night. As I lay myself to sleep each time, I talk to him because at the back of my head I doubt the existence of god and so find no reason to even pray to him when it might just be as well that I talked to myself. I refuse to believe in something that is neither black nor white. And god is one of those grey areas... I'll never be able to survive without the evidence to prove to me that god is real. Or at least the fact the the religion in itself offers the 'truth'.

Even as we trudge through each and every single day. I find that I've long thrown away my sword and my shield. I stand bare bodied and empty handed as I face the battlefield. A decent amount of time had lapsed and I find myself learning and changing each and every day. I wonder if a lot of things on mind are actually known by those around me. There were so many times when I really really wanted to spill some of my feelings but decided that nobody really liked that so I kept it to myself. Ultimately... I know what I am feeling and I know what I should do. I need no one to affirm my actions and most importantly I do not need anyone to affirm how I feel or ought to feel.

Someone asked me if what I am feeling is warranted? I asked myself this question for a few days already and I have not yet come to a conclusion. But all I ever know and all I really feel is... a strong believe and a hope that glimmers like a diamond in the coal pile. Even though it still hurts from time to time and most of the time I'm actually covering my wounds with my hands that are unseen... I move on hoping the next day will be better. Also patting myself at the back before I sleep each time... "don't give up mian... because it is important".

Will resentment be ever so prominent that goes unwavering~ To guard against someone...  

It may never ever mean anything even if I tried and left myself vulnerable to be destroyed and crushed. But at least if I go down... I will go down knowing... and showing that my sincerity is purer than anything else as much as it is the way I cherish~

The Ugly Duckling

We all have our own ugly duckling story sometime in our lives. Well at least I daresay that that is true for most of the people. We had a hard time breaking out of our shells when we were all very young. It is every farmer's knowledge that you cannot help a hatchling get out of it's shell because if you do the duckling will not be able to get used to the temperature outside and the atmosphere so suddenly and hence there will be a high risk of death. It is because of that that they have to make their way through their egg shells slowly but so tenaciously... slowly clawing and delicately pecking at the cracks and forcing their tiny warm bodies out of the cracks.

We all did the same as we grew up. Always trying hard in the initial stages to break out of our own shells and to lower our walls so that the people around us could get close to us. The distance of the heart between people gradually lessen and we started to discover ourselves through the people that we held dear and taught us how to be the people of society... It was no easy task to discover who we were... but as we slowly came out of our shells... It was like a duckling that pushed and pushed to emerge into the world~~ crack... crack... crack...

When we emerged and had our fundamental identities we then realized how different we were from others out there. We sometimes wished we could be more like others just so that we could fit in and be part of a group or family or clique... then at least we wouldn't had felt so left out... At least when we were sad there will be people around us to affirm our feelings and lend their supporting shoulders just to have a good cry. It was never really about seeking a solution or about seeking help - It was about finding a firm and unwavering shoulder that stems from loyalty and dependability that one can have on someone just to have a good cry and feel better afterward.

Like the ugly duckling I found myself lost in this world of myriad colours. While those of a colour flock together... I see a rainbow streaming behind them and a vibrancy that seemed to be inadequate if I added my own colour to that which was already so beautiful and perfect. But I watched from a distance always just admiring the beauty of it... wondering if one day I too could find a place where I could feel perfectly safe and no more left out... 

In the story of the ugly duckling the ugly duckling was loved by no one else but his mother. Even though he looked so ugly his mother stilled loved him very very much. When people started talking bad of him, his mother helped to defend him with all her heart. But the ugly duckling couldn't take it anymore... and so he ran away one autumn day because he just didn't feel like he belonged and because he did not want his mother to be having such a hard time because of him...

I sought refuge from place to place, hoping to find a place of my own... ...

Through the cold winter I ask myself if I could ever turn out like the ugly duckling in the story... That one fine day... when the night is the darkest and the coldest that I'll wake up to find myself a swan~ and finally have a place to belong... ...

I don't want to feel left out anymore~~

Confessions Of A Teenage Drama King Re-Visited

I did not regret what I had to do. The greatest testament to that will lie in the fact that if I could go back in time I would still choose to do the same thing and have the same outcome. It is not about loving to be in pain but it is about accepting the impact and feeling it without a single bit of denial and fear. Sometimes the greatest thing one can do for oneself is to have the strength to not take up the sword but instead to remove your weapons and armor and simply be open to face the consequences of one's actions and fate as we know it~

I had always been different in my approach to life as compared to the others around me. Some people call it individuality but for me that's probably not such a good thing. Too much emotional prowess without a complementary capacity to process it is an absolute recipe for disaster. Time and history has shown itself and I've been tossed and turned in the choppy seas of my own despair and negative feelings. I suppose there is always a silver lining above any dark clouds and I suppose there is. However, going to leave that to the end of this post.

I've always found myself immature because of my lack of control over my emotions. Most of the time I am just blindly driven by my strong feelings for others and the things that I wish to attain. A mature person to me would be one who is master over his or her own emotions and being able to channel those excess energies to productive work in life to enhance overall efficiency and development as a person. If I were to be sitting in an interview right now and the interviewer were to ask me what my greatest weakness is my answer would probably be...

I lost my own voice in a cacophony of noises. I always sought the help of the people around me whenever there was a little rain and soon I grew more and more comfortable relying on the people around me. Instead of developing as a person I ended up losing my own voice and getting confused of who I really am. I needed affirmation from others for my own feelings and in the decisions and actions that I made. After long, I started to grow dependent and lost my own pride and my own thinking becoming a puppet controlled by invisible puppet strings; swaying and moving to please the crowd as much as possible.

I figured out though... that there is one important thing that I had forgot during some point in my life and I need to remind myself every single day when I wake up and every time I am down and feeling lousy:

I don't need someone to affirm what I am feeling and I do not need someone to tell me what I should be feeling. I know what I am feeling and I know what I believe in. That alone is enough. Let external forces push and pull as much as they want, but my internal forces should be unaffected by these external ones. I suppose that's the greatest step one can take to become a person and not a mere homosapien. Because to be a person means a lot of things. It means to be somebody - somebody who is unique and has his own presence in this world.

I enjoyed the drama of shows and the drama of fantasies. But I need to start opening my eyes and moving forward. Of course, I need to hear my own voice and start talking to myself again. Because if I do not start understanding and loving myself then I will never be able to embrace being alone. One can be alone but not yet lonely... that's what I strive toward. I want to BE somebody... I don't want to be so weak anymore because I know if I tried I can be better than anyone I want to be better than and accomplish my tasks as well as anyone else can.

I know what I am feeling and I do not need to tell the entire world what it is for it to come to pass. I stand by my own convictions and I stand by my heart. Some things can never change. Though I still feel pain over the matter, I am savouring the pain because it is endearing and teaching me everyday that the true treasure is what which caused so much pain to begin with and hence the sweeter when it is finally overcome.

Tomorrow... will be a better day and so will the day after and the day after that... I finally believe with all my heart that...

I CAN DO THIS!

Dead Silence

I do not regret... but I suffer as a result. I for-saw this and yet I still did it anyways... I've felt hurt and pain in all possible forms that I could ever had imagined myself feeling. 4 years ago I would never have expected to see myself in my shoes today. So dejected... so empty... so lifeless... so weak... so listless... with nothing to look forward to each and every single day... 

By day I went to classes trying to tell myself that I am a strong independent individual and that things will work out in the end. I was tired of constantly letting the people around me down so I told myself that if I tried to not show how much pain I was feeling that with enough practice then perhaps I would feel less unhappy too... But it was a lie... it is a lie... at the end of the day when I go to my room and shut myself from the world I talk to my teddy bear. I told people that my teddy bear talks to me and that he writes letters but it was all a lie... I watch my noticeboard, pinned up with so many lessons I learnt only to feel heartache. For 2 days I bottled up painful emotions and for the 3rd day I erupted because it was a container that could not be filled anymore... 

I cried and prayed that if there really is a god: where is he now? Show me a sign to let me know that he can hear me; show me a sign to let me know that I have hope ahead of me... When people tell me that there is so much to look forward to I was honest I said that I could see little in the dark that I am facing now... I don't have a single motivation for anything~ I felt useless and worthless... being constantly given up again and again by the people that mattered the most... 

I wanted to cry so badly but I told myself that I wanted to contain it. But even as I said that I involuntarily walk towards the room of someone else... talked like I was fine. But hugged a friend and just couldn't help but scream: "I'm very very sad..."... And then I ran away and cried and cried... so much that my eyes could not keep up and I felt the weight of the world crushing down on me... I felt that there was no other way... 

It is to laugh that I thought putting a plastic bag around your head while you slept that you would die peacefully. But it was not... It was a totally different experience of pain that I had to go through to feel completed suffocated and gasping for air until I could not take it but remove the bag... So I cried the night away because I felt so much hurt I just did not want any more pain anymore... 

I WANTED to sleep so badly... yet I could not sleep even a wink. I hid beneath my computer desk just wishing that the night will pass soon or that I'll be tired enough to fall dead away... The world suddenly seemed to scary... Because I know that if I left my room I will see people and things that just give me even greater pain than I already have... I'm so tired... I don't want to feel anymore pain anymore...

I shouted out in my heart... and prayed that if god really exists that he'll let those that matter to me know that I am dying or maybe just dead inside... like a drowning kid shouting for help for a hand to lift up from the waters below...

I lost my voice overnight, I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel dizzy and my neck and shoulders ache like crazy... there was no way I could bring myself to go to class... because I could never stop crying and looking in this wretched state... I just wanted to hide... and get some sleep... because I hadn't had any... perhaps... for 4 years already... ... 

"I'm very very very sad... ..." 

Did You Forget What It Was Like Then?

I asked myself whether it was possible to have a fresh start among a crowd of familiar faces. Obviously that is going to pose an additional challenge because the familiarity will simply jolt back memories like a toothache does when you chomp down on a sweet and icy dessert. But I reached a conclusion that there can only be two ways... It is either I try my best to not fail or it is that I fail before I even start. To me the answer is clear...

However... Just want to summarize this entire holidays... I learnt a lot about a lot of things. I went to hell and survived and went through a roller coaster of emotions. I was injured and helpless and in the face of adversity I chickened out and submitted. My pride was decimated and my hopes crushed. But this post ain't about my emotional rantings. No... But this holidays I also saw the face of a friend in many people that I met and caught up after a long while... I'm not going to mention real names but if that person is reading then I guess you'll probably know that I'm talking about you. Rest assured that it is all good things and heartfelt messages~

Let all stories start off with a person called A. Thank you A for meeting up with me even when you were working. We had lost contact for 3 years? It probably shocked you very much when I suddenly just came to you and unloaded my emotional turmoils. But you didn't complain and in fact you told me that it didn't matter if we had never met for years and years that I will still remain the same in your memories... You remembered me even after and sent me this funny picture just because it reminded you of me... Thank you A...

To this friend who was abroad since the start of my semester I'm so glad that you're finally back. I have so much to tell you about what had happened and how uni life turned out to be. Loved the postcard you sent while you were in Germany and even though you came back to Singapore with a terrible cough and a terrible jet lag of 13 hours... You still helped me bring my stuff over to Cinnamon =) My old old friend TLL... Of course not forgetting you, C. You drove your parents car just to help me carry my things over from my house to my hostel... Of all the things you could have done you always helped me when I needed it...

To a worried and devoted K... How long have we been at each others toes? haha... But you're still the same as ever. You met up with me for so many dinners this holidays to hear my sorrows and make me feel better. You entertained my late night calls and believed in me more than I believed myself... Your best friend too... R... as TLL goes overseas and come back you then have to leave to go to Torronto. All the best woman!! It keeps me comforted to know that even so far away that we are apart that you still tell me that you pray for me... Though of course I don't believe the act of praying - but the gesture is so comforting...

To my ex-competitor W and to my best friend in JC, YT. Thanks for accepting my sudden request to go Pulau Ubin, Though in the end we all got too lazy and went Siloso beach instead. You guys helped me think of creative ways to appraoch my problems and we went to OCEAN AQUARIUM!!! I had never been so happy for such a long time. But learning all those new fish facts and the fishes, it was the best 3 hours of my 2012.

A weird AFTC friend S whom we share the same horoscope and loved exactly the same things from life principals all the way to our favourite phones. So glad that we met up and the things you told me were so touching. Like a powerful shield you are always there like a defender to me. Always just believing that I am a good person when I don't think I am. You think of weird ways to help me haha... But in your eyes money doesn't matter... you just wanted to help me solve whatever nightmare I was facing... AWWWW

An unexpected friend that I met in Tengah. His name is L. Thanks for the birthday treat haha. We don't know each other well but I can always count on you to be there for me. Thanks for sub-letting me your small kitchen to bake a best friend's rainbow cake haha. It was so impromptu and your mum was so nice to me =) And of course, there is a guy called N. Probably one of my best friends in OCS. You are loyal as you are dependable. When I said I very sad want to go for a drink you just agreed even though you had so much work to do. I always talked and you just listened again and again. You saw me drink the alcohol and listened to my emo-whining. Yet you believed and had faith and told me that I need not prove anything to anyone... You believed me when I wanted to cry when others did not~

A scary friend, C who always scolded me for my bad grades and dependency on others. Until today I don't know why I still find you all the time when you always just scold me only haha. But you called counselling services for me and worried so much about me... haha... friends for so long already... Some things never change

Lastly... A new friend in uni named L. Thanks for being there for me when I almost hyperventilated and died. For talking on the phone with me when I felt so depressed. Hope we can be better friends in the days to come. Though I dare not think too much...

To a final final note... S... I see now why there is no such thing as 'giving up' for me. It is that I need not give up but only accept that somethings are no longer the same. I wanted so hard to revive the past because we were happy then as very good friends. I long for those days but I guess they are over. In days to come... I'll no longer try to revive that... In my heart you'll still be my best friend. But I know that nothing I do will ever change anything. So... I'm going to just keep it inside me and should time cause it to fade too... I hope you'll be happy and successful in all that you do sincerely... Always showing care and concern in hopes that you'll see me as a friend to be enjoyed too...

There is always criticism that there is no altruism that is pure. But I have listed so many... I think a lot of people feel that I resort to emotional black mail... and that I have expectations of people. I believe I had been altruistic because... when I'm in trouble and down and I had hoped that some people will be there for me =( But I consider I was altruistic because at the point of helping others and trying to make people happy... All I really did was sincere without any thoughts of returns... Believe it or not...

I really really... am not a liar~~

The Weight Of Voices - Truth or Dare?

There are some things that just seem too heavy to carry; somethings that you really want to say but you can't... Not that people will judge me (I trust they probably would not), but, that I will judge myself and I will run away from everyone as a result. Because I tried to run before this... I ran and ran until I could not take another step and I just broke down and cried wishing to take back words. But words are funny things... When we imagine it in our minds it does not seem to be so wrong. But after saying it there can be no turning back... No words that can be erased from another's mind - Only accepted or be rejected...

I am a terrible liar. Sometimes I put on a mask only to be caught trying to masquerade in the crowd. Is it really that obvious what I am? But how is it that I don't even know who I am? But people seem to be able to identify me anyways... I asked myself... am I in denial? If my heart had a color and that if my heart had a face what would it be? Can I look you in the eye and tell you I'm feeling this when in fact inside I'm feeling another. 

I prepared myself to say something to someone... But when I met the person, all the words just escaped out of my mouth and I could find not the courage or words to start to say it. It felt awful =/ I wanted to say it! I really wanted to~

I talk to my bear every night and I write in my journal avidly... It is the only place where all my lost words are found. It is the only time when the noises in my head become clear and I can hear what I am saying behind the cacophony. I hugged my bear so tightly tonight as I slept... I hugged my bear because I imagined myself hugging a lot of people... But no... this society is such that hugs are rarer than diamonds... If I were to hug you you would say I was weird and touchy~ 

Yet sometimes... I wish not to say any words of worry and sorrow... Only a firm hug that I could find someone to let me know it will be alright...

For each and every thought I think of that which hurt... I folded a star and kept it in a bottle. I wonder how long it will take to fill this giant bottle up with the tiny stars of which each were made with a feeling of hope that with enough patience and enough sincerity that will one day fill up the largest of holes...

Is there a truth out there for me to find? Am I really in denial... I am afraid... of the truth... ... 

But as I fold these stars... my fingers hurt but my heart hurts more. But also patiently hoping and patiently praying that with patience that with enough wishes... the bottle will be filled to overflowing just as a black hole can be filled as much as every effort to try is insignificant compared to the vessel... that it will still be filled nonetheless... ...

Waiting~~ Hoping~~ Praying~~ Seeking~~ But never did stopped believing... even if... I'm on my own...

Happy Birthday!!! If I Give You My Candle Will You Blow It Out For Me?

I think everything that we do takes faith. I'm not talking about faith in terms of religion. I am talking about faith in life and the faith that is needed to overcome uncertainty... In life we have good days but we have bad days too. Yet we all continue living and strive for the future. Why do we do that? The truth is sometimes we will never be able to see the effects of the effort that we put in because they are not immediately visible. When we study hard for an exam we have no idea if it will definitely guarantee that we will ace it. Yet we still try our best because we believe that things will work out in the end... It's all about believing; It's all about faith... Because... verily... without either we'll merely be living another day just to die another day~

In that sense... friendships to me work the same way. A friendship is about investing time and effort into a giant bottomless pit. No matter how much we put in it we will never be able to tell the effects of it and neither will we be able to understand or comprehend the progress that it makes. When we give we always only want to see ourselves giving. When we give we sometimes also want to receive... But it is really quite sad that when people really put in a lot it is impossible to receive back a 100%. The point here is this: If possible, I think I should try seeing what people are giving me... I should not just see what I am giving... In their own way people around me show me that they care about me too~ While it might not be the same and it might not be up to my expectations - I guess we need to know that different people have different expressions

We'll never be able to understand how another person is feeling. Because you are you and I am I... If I said that my mother died... you will feel sad for me but I would be devastated... Likewise if it was to be the other way round... But for the people we care about we try as much as possible to empathize. Yet we all have our own limits that may often be less than what people expect of us :/

Sometimes... we ask ourselves what is the best decision to make when faced with something... We always have a choice... There is a hard way but there is also a high way... 

I really don't know what will happen because change is always taking place... It is a fact that people change... words that were spoken and true for a moment will no longer be valid in the future...

But I understand~~~ And if I ever did care about someone important then I'll respect their wishes and wish them all the happiness... It hurts me inside... but I have faith that in the end - even if he no longer believes in the friendship anymore - that things will work out~ I know because... I'll change until then but my heart will never change regarding this...

Happy Birthday Mian! I had a birthday cake with a nice set of candle of which I made a wish that meant a lot to me... If I gave you this candle... it means that I am going to have faith and believe that you will not blow out this wish... because I know... blowing out candles is something that is always so easy to do~~ =/

Otherwise... my hope burns through the night...

An Empty Street Of Many Faces

Sometimes when the noise gets too loud we yearn for a place of solace so that we may once again be able to hear ourselves or hear the voices of those that we want to hear. Don't really feel like seeing people or interacting with people nowadays... Just want to tour the streets and visit places all by myself and calm my injured heart. Most of my days now are spent playing computer games to pass the time and then sleeping... yea I sleep a lot - developed this weird headache every morning when I wake up that will only going away some time in the late afternoon...

I used to be very afraid of eating alone outside. I feared being judged and being laughed at for being an emo-ish loner. I start to embrace that already though... I enjoy the quiet breakfast, lunch and dinner that I have outside by myself. Just sitting at the food court and slowly eating and thinking about stuffs that are in my head. People from other countries probably find Singapore a tiny place but I on the other hand have only started exploring it. Never really left my house much - Felt so small in this over-populated city. Hardly feel that anyone made much of a difference... 

Afternoon showers are so common now... It sets the mood I guess... The cold and humid air and the soft thunder in the background. Makes for a setting of a depressing scene in a movie. I had that scene today while listening to some good music and staring into the grey sky as I toured the streets. I wonder if there is an answer for everything? 

However, even when the noise is so loud now... Even though my voice is so soft... I could do nothing but strain my ears even harder and try to listen. Just like a Singaporean City that is constantly experiencing the brooding showers every afternoon this period so has it rained on my world this period. I'm soaked and wet... cold too... I thought to myself that I wanted to find someone to talk to but realized that there was not really much point. I sort of enjoyed the rain after awhile... Because it made me remember even fonder the happier moments in life and how much more I should treasure them.

":( Don't worry ok? Without rain we would never appreciate the warmth of sunshine. Don't feel under valued. That is just who you are and true friends/lovers will love you for who you are. Not that they want you to be. Haha it's ok. I like the rain. It puts things in perspective. Embrace sadness and melancholy. It is part of life and beautiful in its own strange way"

Someone important told me this before... I sort of understand now... and I'm soaking up the melancholy and embracing it. It always gave me hope that I need not be afraid anymore... 

Because I was so so scared then... ... Thank you for that one time~

Reverse Cycle

What happens when things start to degenerate one day. We admire the ugly caterpillar metamorphosis into a glamorous butterfly. Watch the boring looking cocoon break open and then a pair of tender but vibrant wings slowly expand and strengthen. With a few flits and waves and very soon we have a beautiful rainbow flying around in the flower patch. What happens though when we have to go through a reverse? The proud butterfly sheds its wings and crawls back into its shameful cocoon and eventually moving around like a disgusting little worm...

We all grow old one day. As we progress and progress. In everything that we do we all know there is a peak but also a fall. Things just don't climb exponentially forever. What goes up must come down... I wonder how I would feel when I grow old one day and my body gradually starts to fail... How I'll start to forget the things important to me. Worse... I won't even know all these things that I have lost simply because I forget them...

But truly... how do you forget things when you are not growing old? Is it not painful to have to slowly let go of things and pray for yourself to forget them just so that you can move on... But at the price of brainwashing yourself that something important to you is no longer important. Do we have restless nights or empty moments when we just felt like crying... Wake up at precisely the same time every night and feel so empty but desperately trying to fall back to sleep again...

Some beautiful dreams we wish we stayed alive in them forever, never to wake up and be slapped in the face by reality. While in some nightmares we died... and realized dying is not as bad as we thought it was. The World will always keep on revolving... no one is indispensable even though everyone is special in their own way. But what constitutes to really living? that separates what living like a dead man is from living like a human being that wants to BE, BElong, BEget, BEcome and BElieve...

People believed in me when I did not dared believed in myself. These people have never known me for long but they believe me just because they believe I am better than that... 

So things continue to progress... and everyday I find myself learning... I find myself hurt and sad but at the same time touched... That I am not so insignificant after all... not as worthless as I thought I were... to know that my existent made some difference; though small... I cried knowing that people believed I would get up even before I fell down. When I fell down, I did not feel like getting up but they still believed...

Even if the whole world can't hear me... Even if no one believed me... Even if people do not acknowledge how I feel... I will continue feeling... until the end of this progression is such that I forget too... and brainwash myself... after my dream is dead and my hopes dashed... that I live life totally forgetting what I lost...

drip. drip. drop