A Special Song

I dedicate this song... Cai Hong by jay chou to my bro... Becuz... we bros always see rainbow tgt... hope we will see more of them tgt in the future... becuz... i rather see them with u bro than anyone else... =X Listen... ... and appreciate...

'Ever looking for that rainbow... ...'

I Will Be Back...

Today I walked backed home as usual... with a heart not as usual as always... An innate feeling of sadness and a distinctive feeling that is just so lonely... The flavour of lost... the taste of seperation... ... With change comes a price that one must pay... Life never was a bed of roses... Wanted with the purest of hearts to strike an equilibrium between two things, with an optimistic mindset that is perhaps too naive. But I guess... it was impossible, and something had to let go for the other to emerge... T.T Tears gather in my eyes as I type this perticularly saddening post... I ask myself... 'Is this necessary...? =X' Becuz... I dun wanna lose someone so important to me yea... ...

Had a talk with Dr Gan today... What she said I guess I would always remember. They were to some people what u would say 'politically correct things to say' , but to me I found inner depth and meaning. Funny u know... Dr Gan actually says she is more happy that my tests are getting poorer and not as perfect as last time... Apparently she was more concerned that I had perfect scores all the time and worried more... becuz... she wanted me to know that... Life is not always so smooth and that I should face more setbacks or really... when I go into adulthood god have mercy on my soul. She was right u know... and even more right to say that... I am starting to become a normal person... temptations... which student doesn't have that? =X I didn't used to have that... and reason being... My life was too smooth-sailing and I only had a clear cut goal and that is to score well in all tests and be top standard. But now faced with crossroads and matters of the heart I am attacked susceptible!

I walked passed that oh so familiar area today as seen from the pictures I took as I walked past... perhaps it will be a long time again will I ever walk that path... But I will never ever forget... never EVER forget... all the happy times and emo times there... becuz every thing whether sad or happy, the memories so lucid and vivid... Can't help feeling bitter sweetness of nostalgia =X

I wish there were better ways to this problem... but I guess I am just weak... If only I was superman then i could enjoy the best of both worlds... But sadly... I am just zm... T.T My heart hurts bad... I know I will be lonelier for now on...and reminisce the days behind... But i will never forget... I will never forget to come back... Becuz that thought... THAT THOUGHT is my motivation to work harder... maybe people will see me as weak... but believe in me becuz I wanna believe in myself... and for that dream I will work hard that that day will come sooner... I dream of that day!

To leave... is to become better... It is so that I can become a better person to that important person and also to account for all the disappointments made... But whatever happens I dun care... Becuz... one day... one day... just any of these days... bro... I will be back so plz... plz... ... Dun forget me yea... ... You're the best bro in the world! (at least my world) So dun forget... becuz I wanna spend the remaining of JC2 with u... that small time left and be a better bro...

We are brothers forever yea... and brothers stick together always and be there for each other! Bro... U must wait for me yea... MUST wait for me... Love u bro... look forward to that day when we can go home tgt again and walk this faithful path which I dream in my dreams... I will be lonelier from now on until that day... Becuz no fren and i mean ABSOLUTELY no one can replace my bro or compare with him... Bro will miss u bro... ... every moment... lonelier... ... T.T BROTHERS!!!

Onslaught of Revolution

It's a time for change, for revolution... What was once history shall remain past tense... what is to be told shall soon unfold... Revolution is not a question... it is the only viable solution... It is time... Time to release the inner soul and revoluntionise... zhao mian...

Watched this cool video of Avatar, which is a cartoon... But cartoons aren't always childish just the way u interpret them will tell your age... Watch this inspirational video and get motivated too... It's good... promise...



What is the revolution I am talking about? secret... =X

不能说的秘密

It's a long long time since I last posted something yea... Lots of things going through my head. Won't say it is emoing bah... just lots of stuff whirling around in my head like a whirlpool. =X Watched this interesting video about Singapore today during GP lesson which was damn funny I think...


but look beyond the laughs I mean... Read the subtitles, hear the lyrics and see the cartoon... Just suddenly dawn on me how sort of pathetic singapore is... True this video is probably amusing, but then... Is it really what we want foreigners to see us Singaporeans as? Kinda sad really... having this video posted on youtube where the whole world can see it... and Singapore will be a global laugh fest. haizz... ... For singaporeans, it would be a giggle or two... cuz hey really... We Singaporeans really are all that (ps... generalization). But to be optimistic... hmm... let's just say we should laugh about our mistakes... But never forget... overly optimistic = FOOL!!! XD So watch this video... with a light heart yea... Appreciate the underlying culture that is so not other nations, but truely Singapore...Proud of it? A true blue Singaporean would be... For what are we? but a young nation who is only 45 years old... Love Singapore, as much as people may say I am myopic that bigger opportunities lie await in foreign countries like China and US. What I call home shall always be home... what I have roots in shall always be my rootedness of origin... From one medium to another... transcend the years and ages... that shall never change... And also becuz... I love my Singaporean FRIENDS XD

Talking about roots... Today I took a very emoish MRT today while going home... Suddenly rmbed out of nothing... How I wish me and my parents were as close as I were young... when everything was so pure yea... when I was still so naive and curious about the world... When my family would take the MRT and bus and I would always peer out of the window and ask my daddy... 'HEY HEY Here got mantis a not? Got fish in the water? =X'... nostalgic times... make me cry yea... Wish things were the same like last time... When I would hold my mum's hand... so easily it seemed natural and when every problem I cry to my mum's lap... But I guess... zm grew up yea... T.T

Sorry... I know this post is damn long... But really... it's all just pictures yea... hope u all feel something yea... becuz I did...

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Feel like I have a bu neng shuo de mi mi... =X Why do I wanna hide it yea? haiz... ... What is right and what is wrong? is Happy always right as long as it harms no one? And then if that's the case what is wrong? =S

Hey bro... really... thanks for being my bro... =X

(You really made make me feel as close as family... bro... haven felt that for a long long time... )

... ...

A heart torn between 2 conflicting problems... My eyes are dry... I am so tired... I feel so empty and drained... Went home alone today... never ever felt that much alone before... So many things i want to say... but no words come out of my mouth... ... Feels like I'm drowning and I wanna call for help... T.T really really dun wanna sink into the dark waters... Wish someone will give me their hand and pull me up...

I remember... The things... I cried last time, I laughed last time, and I believed with all of my heart until now... Never once forgot every single word, etched crystal clear at the back of my mind... Never once doubt, and ever so treasured that moment in time that seems like a short yet shinning moment... Glad that... I once had that in my life... But why are tears streaming down my cheeks now as I type this entry? =( In my memory... I never forgot... I never tried forgetting... I remembered everything... and i wish everyone would.... Becuz... I dun ever wanna pretend I dun...

I made choices, I regret choices, I am happy for my choices... Said I was a fool and I did it on my own free will, never once coerced, never once not my fault... I deserved it, and I can't complain... ... Just I wished things turned out better... :'( Feel so lonely, feel so helpless... won't you help me? I always wished people will see... becuz it hurts so much when people forget... or pretend to forget... and when people dun realise that needy child's voice that shouts for help... ...

sometimes... no answer is the worst answer anyone can ever hear... ... ... ... My eyes are dry yea... a minute ago... but miraculously it's wet again... how 'quaint'... ... =( Just tears keep flowing down my face, a splitting headache from the pain, and a heart still bleeding like before...

I still... ... ... ... ... ... remember... :'(

If Only 'If Onlys' Exist

Life is full of paths and decisions to make... Everytime you choose a path you are met with new paths... For every moment that you pause and think... Time just flows away; For every moment that you pause and remember... Memories just flash past you like a film in black and white; every moment spent thinking and wondering... what would have happened if only... I did that instead... ...

Sunlight struck my room door today... Like a key to the door of of darkness and dilemma... I have a door... Wish someone will unlock it =X. To every path that i take I find a door, that snaps shut behind you once u enter... So many what ifs in my head... so many if onlys that I shld have taken... =(

Sometimes wish I was more like everyone else... dun want to be so obtuse... I wanna be the average Tom, Dick and Harry... Really wish... My grades weren't that good... Wish my brain was less active... wish I was not a worrier... Wanna fail an exam... that's easy... But whenever I wanna do it... I just can't make myself... I can just leave a question completely blank you know... But dunno why... something stirs inside me that asks me... ' WTH are you doing? '

What am i thinking? Frankly I dunno... Just know I keep asking myself nowadays... What is that feeling anyways? Why do i feel it... That feeling that feels so right and so wanting... yet in reality I only see reflections of the darkest side of human nature... Destruction, hatred, jealousy and malign... I want answers... I want solutions... I want someone whom I can talk to... Someone who can understand how I feel, someone who can keep it real, someone who knows the way... ... Because I'm lost... ... Where are you... ? I ask myself every night before I sleep with a void so deep and a voice yet raspy...

If only... I had done this, if only I had done that... Life for me is full of regrets and sins... that I have to find one day to repent and rebuild... I am happy now...? That is not the answer, that is the question, and the answer is... the question... oxymoronic... ironic and paradoxic... Fates like that... My life's like that... In everything I see the nature... In every person I see the same... If only 'if only' exists... =X

I remember so well the things that go by... the touching things, the sad things, the happy and the angry... Would u remember it as well as I do? I treasure every second like it was the last... Am I a good company? I wonder... maybe I am? maybe I'm not? I'm not the one to decide... just wish that everything I do people around me will be happy... ... So what's with the dramatic expression that people say of me? =( That's just a facade to try to bring that smile on you guy's face... because I truely hate making people sad and unhappy... ... I'm sorry... ...

A beautiful sunset today... how glorious how hopeful... And I wish that... with that intensity and light... tmr will be a better day finally... =(

Breaking Under Pressure

I really feel so much to the extent that I am getting depressed and dying... ... Cried so hard... ... Had a nightmare yesterday night and couldn't sleep... Woke up at 3am and laid in bed doing nothing... Life is really so hard nowadays... I really really hope there will be nothing wrong today... please... =(

Goodbye everyone today... I am going to take a walk... ...

Tainted Sins

I am... A demon... Cursed to be sinned... sinned to be cursed... I have done horrible things. All I ever do is cause suffering and harm. My hands are stained with the verdictions of my sins... Hell hath no fury for my condemned soul... My hollow soul drowns in my sins... =(

I dun understand... why? WHY? Why do I always cause so much trouble... sometimes I wish maybe I should just disappear forever... ... So that people who know me can carry on with their lives... haizz... Why am I so worthless... All I've ever done is cause pain and sorrow, worry and despair... Why am I so irritating... I'm sorry but I really really =( didn't mean to... Life is so bleak and I am a bleach that decolourises the colors of other people's lives... I am a corruptor of souls... I corrupt people... I am bad... I am worthless... I am evil... I am hated... dejected and rejected... A freak... I hate myself... T.T

ARGGHHH... My heart hurts so bad... I know I am a sinner... But I just want everyone to know... A sinner feels sad too... And I feel horried... Looking at myself in the mirror I only see a criminal. Tainted heart and sinned beyond compare... ... I'm sorry... I really am SORRY SORRY SORRY... I know... I am always at fault. And no matter how many times the sorry u all will never forgive me inside... because I am so unforgivable... It's so gloomy recently... Wish I can see the rainbow again like I always do... ... I wish so bad... so bad... I'm sorry for the damage that I deal... I never ever I SWEAR I SWEAR wanted things to be this way...

I am a demon... ... I should disappear =(... ...

If only... rainbows still appear for me... T.T But they... dun... =(

Black and White

I'm color blinded nowadays... can't tell who is right or who is wrong... Wish I had a pair of magical spectacles that would allow me to see things in colour again. In a world of grayscale everyone looks the same colour... the good guys, the bad guys, and of course the average guy... =(

I'm sorry... I failed to see correctly... I was blinded and truely sorry beyond sorry... U were just trying to help me yea... but I betrayed u and helped the bad guys instead. I regret my poor judgement with a sorry so great I dun think my heart can bear it's weight. I dunno how to say it to you... you probably didn't realise yet... If u are reading this now... just wanna say i'm sorry... U were there for me when I needed u... u spoke I never listened... I should have listened to u earlier... Is it too late? forgive me now? =X

Just when I thought that things will be better, god just loves to prove me wrong. When the worst I thought had arrived... god just never ceases to amaze me with worser... It is really sh!t sometimes... but then again... I'm just super sorry now... I will listen to u this time... dun worry I know my mistake... I promise u I will be good this time. Just hate lies so much yea... hate them more than anything now... ... sorry =X

Muted

I wish so hard so hard... I wanna find someone so hard so very hard... I wanna find someone whom I can talk to... Who will understand me and listen to my heart... So many things I wanna say... yet so little words I can find... and even more pathetic... no one seems to be able to understand me and tell me... what I should do now... ...

I feel so sad everyday. Wish there was someone there to talk to. So 'happy' in school. But I am starting to feel tired... I feel lonely... Cry in the middle of the night, when the moon is up and everyone is sleeping away. Wish everything will just go away... wish so bad... T.T

But in my heart so empty a feeling, I feel like I am no more than a dead person. Who can listen to me yea? Tell me... I feel so damn lonely at the end of the day when I am all alone at home and feel so sad... I wish there was someone I can talk to... But really... tell me who can understand me? =( I'm a freak... something wrong in the head... I know... But I am human too yea? I wish... my friend will accept me for who I am T.T I wanna change, I really want to. But won't you give me encouragement along the way? I really feel so lonely...

Seeing everyone around me smile... I feel happy... Hearing my friends tell me that I have become more cheerful I feel really glad... How can I let them down? T.T But it's so damn painful... I am a mute =X... Wish I could tell someone how much pain I am feeling... But I can't! It is better that they dunno... People may say... I am not lonely, it's just that I make myself lonely... Maybe? and maybe not...

No one seems to understand that pain in me... That innate hurt that radiates through every vein and flows through every muscle... Seeing the rise of someone new... I feel like crying... and maybe I did... Eyes so wet... It's been raining these past few days; rain clouds seem to be following me... But I have to tell myself I can't... It's not anyone's fault you know... I know... My mind is crystal clear and all is logical and relevant... But my heart feels like it has been stabbed all over. So lonely now... a mute in the truest of sense... I wish... I can talk to someone and make a sound... But then again... maybe not...

Dun leave me yea... please I beg u T.T I feel really lonely and sad. Before every sleep I wonder and sigh with every night I ask myself... Where are you? =(

... ... I need you T.T