A Last Post Before 2010

Today ain't exactly 31st December, the last day of 2009... But I am writing this post now or I won't have another chance to do so tmr since I going countdown ^^V. Life in 2009 has been really messy... A year of tragedies, tears and broken hearts like no other =.= SERIOUSLY... Well but taking things with a pinch of salt bah. I mean through adversity I learnt so much about the way of life and how to handle things.

Every LAST day of the year I would perform the same ritual. Wirte all the bad things of the year and burn them away at my balcony, so that it would go with the wind. Then it's time for new year resolution time =) One thing to note though... would be that I think my life is blessed with great ppl. So I made up this golden fren thingy to make sure these frens shall stay with me for my life =) k la sound a bit like I am trying to drag them all in and tie them on chains XD But I dun care haha...

To the sentimental pisces who aims to be a teacher, Radhiah; To the fun-loving and soon to go NS Cancer, Bao Long; To the Aquarius with the accent and charm, Anna; To the Hot, SEXY Divaish-ish-ish-ish =P Capricorn, Khairiyah; To the leo whose words make me pissed sometimes =.= yet is trustworthy, Toh Liling; To the pisces who has been my great fren throughout my whole JC life, Yuting; And to the Aries who always likes to 'hahaha' and invented HHX, Shun Jie. You guys are my golden friends. =D I love u guys forever (though it sounds gross) Hope we can be frens for the rest of our lives... Best friends forever always.

A Fresh Day

Ever since I went pooling that day, I find myself addicted to the game. Can't wait to go for pool tomorrow again. Though I'm no expert at the game but just enjoy the whole process. And I know that probably all the people there are like laughing at my noob skills. But I'm sure one day I would be a great player too and I won't laugh at any noob players =)

Yesterday's bad vibes were all washed off clean when I woke up this morning. Along with all the tears last night =.= But alright I feel all the more stronger now and all the more capable of handling things. Probably came to terms with the small quest for the BIG why. since I found the answer, I decided to just move on with it. I have hope that someday I will find the one who will accept me for who I am anyways. For now I shall just work hard to improve myself and look out for that someone.

Today I went cycling with bl for like 2 hours and I almost died. K lah i was weak =.= But I guess this just means I'm not that physically fit and probably I need to do something about it. Legs feel like rocks now. So hard and heavy zzzzzz Hope i dun cramp in the morning, cuz I going to pool and buffet tmr ^^V. Sort of thought today if i shld plan a meet up with some of my frens I seem to be ignoring. I guess I'll think of something for the following days.

Well... Today I think I finally got over one thing and cleared a big dilemma for a long time. said the two magic words to someone else for the first time and this time it felt right seriously. So i guess mystery solved. and I'm quite happy about it. I guess in this world we shld put large our views. I won't say everybody is ur best fren. But then one person can definitely have more than one best fren. As long as a fren is able to withstand time and distance and still make u feel that good fren feeling I guess they shall be my best frens. k that's all for today. Feel the light of the world already. Though there is one person i start hating recently...

A Walk In The Moonlight To Remember

I left home tonight becuz I just couldn't take a freakin more second in this madhouse. I really hate my family. I'm serious. And it's not just one day I come walking and say I hate them. To me that's just angry at the moment. But this has lasted awhile since all the troubles begun. It has reached such an extent that I no longer wish to speak to them at all. I spend my days speaking less than 10 sentences a day to all of them... At home I just wanna be alone. I won't go into their space. So I hope they dun come into my space at all... =/

I just realised walking alone at night on the lonely road is so relaxing and calming. Really enjoyed the cool night air and silent road. Initially wanted to go for an ice cream at MacDonalds but I was so unlucky that today it had to be closed early for the monthly sterilisation. So i grabbed an apple cider at 7-eleven instead... I must have walked all the way to my old home. And I was so shocked that it changed so much. It was already so different from afar. And when i wanted to go up the block to see my old unit again I was surprised that the lift was now so high-tech.

In the past my lift only had three buttons. Now it could go to all floors. Stepped out of the lift and was rather afraid that ppl might think I'm some theif lurking outside their homes since it was past midnight le. The ppl in our unit apparently were still not asleep =.= I could hear them talking and they even left the door open. But I dared not take a peek at my old home cuz later they see me will seriously think I'm some stalker or something...

Toured around my neighbourhood... And I always watched those drama shows when u will see visions of ur past self going through those places. And seriously I did. Even took a turn to visit my primary school... The playground I used to go to. and the park I used to hang out everyday on my bicycle when I was young. I wanted to say that everything changed but me... But I just thought as I was walking that if everyone said that then nobody will have changed =.= So seriously I changed so much... I used to love my family. I used to go out on family outings with them and be all nice and all... But now I look at my grown up self... I guess this all just means... This is the adult me. One who is a loner and quiet and just not close to the family...

I look forward to NS so much... everyday I pray that the day will come soon... I wish to take a vacation from my family =/ I wanna go faraway and nvr come back for awhile until all that hatred is gone. =X And through NS if only I can meet someone and like ppl say the best of buddies to make me forget all the misery that's been going on so far...

I slapped myself a couple of times on my way back... thinking of the small quest for the BIG why... See ppl at night walking tgt as couples. And to note is that most ppl who hang out at night so late are the malays and the malay guys to be specific. Not being racist but that's really what I saw. And also at midnight the cleaning crew actually comes to sterilise our busstops everyday. seriously... they come in a van that has the anti-germ spray and all. I guess I would nvr have known if I nvr went walking today...

Feel kinda sad though... depressed... and lost for words to talk. Just wanna be quiet and enjoy the sound of the crickets and the fan blowing at me now. I was just laying down on a bench downstairs just now after the whole journey thinking about how sad the answer to the BIG why was... =/// when my dad appeared and told me go back cuz I left the house without a word for a few hours... So here I am typing right now... If only... if only... I had a buddy i suddenly realise who would go on a night adventure like this with me too one day...

And another matter on my mind... still confused and reluctant... feel sad... but i really wonder whether I'm sad of the former or latter or something else entirely... I just know... I wanna sleep now... I feel really emo... so i hope i wake up to a new mood =/

A Choice Between The Pregnant Lady and The Child

Bl's going to NS pretty soon. It will be in exactly 7 days... And nowadays I go out with him everyday. I guess it has been a long time since I went on outings like these with bl. Last time was probably in our sec school days when we do that every week. I guess ppl are driven by circumstance, but no matter the time and distance I guess two ppl can still be great frens.

Went pooling for the first time in my life today. Gotta say it was really fun and addictive. The satisfaction that u get from hearing the ball go into the pocket and the piak sound of colliding billiard balls seriously sounds splendid. Can't wait to go pool again to hone my skills. In any case always on TV, guys who play pool and are good at it are very cool lol.

Well today when going back home, I took my usual 243 bus. But this time I met with a really difficult situation. The bus during evening was pretty crowded so it was like many ppl were standing. But I got up early so I managed to get a seat. But then hmmm... saw this very young boy with his mother just standing in front of me. So I decided to give my seat up to the boy la. But when I stood up I realised to my greatest shock that the person standing beside my seat was a pregnant lady o.O. And I SERIOUSLY didn't know. Felt incredibly guilty and I asked myself... I mean if I had the choice to choose again... Between a pregnant lady and a small boy who would I choose. =S At the end of the day I thought I would have gave that seat to the pregnant lady u know... hai... I feel she deserves it even more =/ I know how hard it is to carry a tiny human in ur belly =X

hai... Well got home and started thinking more and more about the small quest for the BIG why. And hai... From things i hearing from ppl... frankly I feel super depressed and sad. But I guess they were just being frank so I dun blame them. I shld have known anyways =/

On a totally different matter, I think I shld just surrender u know. Wash my hands off everything. Becuz somehow I dun think I am deemed as trustworthy by that person anyways. More like maybe I'm expecting too much again? or probably thinking too much like I always do? In any case I feel my genesis in this whole episode is probably self-made bah... probably just me seeing it as good when it is in fact nothing. Simple joys over nothing... dratz but I guess it's a hint to wash myself clean =///

The Quest For The BIG why?

I'm on a quest to find out the BIG reason why I am not ****. Becuz as I see ppl in my social circle, and outside the social circle get in pairs. I start to think my life's quite sad.... =/ I mean why is it that in 18 yrs of my life I have failed to **** anyone at all... 18 yrs u know... Probably is something I lack that just keeps them from coming.

But hai... Too embarassing to ask anyone. actually wanted to ask ppl today but got too embarassed =X Oh well... Since I'm using '****' hard for me to blog also. So I shall end le... But with lots of **** in mind. This really is the BIG quest for the BIG why.... =////// How on earth can I make myself ****... =/

Happy Holidays

Today is one of the important holidays which we really get into the festive mood. For some... this year seems rather dead. While for others it is as awesome as ever. And as for me... I am disappointed that there is no 'Christmas Carol' shown on TV this year. It has been a show that I have been watching every christmas since I was in primary school... hai sadded...

Well nothing much to say about today but just that I start to feel even more inferior at my family outing. Shall not say what was that about... But really hope I can rise too and become more superior... It can be done... But then I have to overcome my own mental barrier =/// Once that's settled it would all work out... Hai such a tall mental barrier that is =////

Recently got a bit upset over something i deem trivial... yet I always feel really bu shuang afterwards but I dun say it out. That's why I've decided to blog it out now in my new blogotherapy hoping that it would all be better afterward =X. As I told someone I shall control myself and prevent myself from going haywire anymore. No more repeat of the past. From now on it shall be me and mr cautious and mrs careful... I shall tread like I'm on thin ice and think before I act.

Now is probably a mindset that is crossing the line =.= So I must curb it. Frankly I also dunno why I always have this freakin problem when dealing with this person. What exactly do i want? becuz i see the past happening in my mind and I'm so afraid yet I can't help fitting it into the present now. One story many endings... Wonder whether it is truely with us that the choices lie or is every choice we make the will of fate itself...

I feel bu shuang in my heart. But i know this is haywired thinking... Hope it passes soon... probably after a good night's sleep. Becuz I really wanna be a good fren and someone in control of myself above any other things... I pray with fingers crossed that I've truely changed...

The Rise After The Fall

Yesterday was a rough night. But I realise actually blogging it out makes u feel better afterward. Actually made it a whole lot better after venting it all out. There seriously shld be a therapy called blogotherapy. But hmmm quite proud that I handled everything myself. Well that's been something I decided on quite a few months ago: That is to not find ppl for help on emotional problems unless it really gets out of hand.

In any case, I guess one will eventually reach rock btm, and they will have no where else to go but up. Feeling especially fresh today with a super exotic dream. But haha kinda forgot what it was about already. Just rmb that I woke up and laughed at how stupid it was. I am pretty sure it was something about me being a superhero with special powers XD Well dreams will be dreams I guess.

I just feel that when things are really frustrating, maybe I shld not face them so soon. Perhaps I need a good night's rest to calm down in the morning. So next time, when I get mad at something I shall just ignore it until the next day bah. Probably that would minimize the rashness and probably the fiery fury. For the many disappointments I had ytd... I forgive and forget le. And I sort of learnt a lesson. Or rather had a better impression of one I told myself not so long ago while I was looking through some photos of ppl on facebook.

Well... all I can say is... What's urs is urs. and that's why other's have their own things. Maybe instead of wishing for something that is someone else's I shld just give up quietly and just do my present part. Worrying for ppl is actually not worth it under certain circumstances. for all u know someone else may already be filling in for that part. Someone even better probably. So it is with humility I denounce I give up on my hidden desire bah. let's just be happy at coming moments and let go the unnecessary desires.

As christmas comes... I start to ponder about my own birthday and what i posted ytd. Probably some of the words were exaggerated but thinking about it...it does hold some amount of truth. And I ask myself if I'm a bad person in a sense that maybe I wish ppl would return a gratitude? Perhaps bah i dunno. But I wonder what I want at all in life nowadays. Dun want some expensive stuff, nor want any gadget or gizmo. At the end of the day... I guess what I want is just things that can nvr be purchased by money. A conviction, some luck and self-discovery.

Wonder though... as much as I tell ppl the true meaning of 'Happy Birthday', if mine is much appreciated. oh well... even if it doesn't life goes on. And like my parents used to say. U old liao bday also useless. Ya lol. True... it's just like everyday of a yr. nothing special anyways.

人

It's my third post for the day. And frankly I dun really care if I overexceeded by limits. But as I lie in bed ready to sleep I just have this last urge and breath to do this post particularly. And I'm gonna type this in chinese becuz it is the language best used to truely express my dedication to non other than humans. This is my interpretation of human... I'm sorry if it sounds sarcastic and harsh.

人是世界上的奇迹。 不仅是人类，各种生物都是神圣的，宝贵的。人是何等愚蠢的存在。虽然说是有感情，有自我思想的生存，但，人仍然是绝望的例子：他们是自私的动物，唯有自存的生命力。人人总是想讨好他人；总是想让周围的人更加开心，对自己说自己是无所谓的。但这些想法，只不过是自欺欺人。。。

有的人想为朋友做点有用的事，让他们开心，以让自己觉得自己是有价值的生存。但到最总。。。努力的结晶又算得了什么呢？在你用尽了全力，得到的又是什么？说是感谢也好，那有几人是真正的诚心诚意？就算是为了纯粹好想好想做个让身边人重视的存在。。。在十次内又有几次不是与泪洗面？

人第一位总是只想到自己。。。想为人付出多少多少。。。但到了最后，保证只是看见世界的丑陋。人是矛盾的。因为在你付出的当儿，若想想自己，是否会突然黯然一些？努力的成果又是什么？在你花出宝贵的时间，宝贵的金钱，宝贵的心意。例如说是好朋友的生日。当一年过了又到了自己的生日，你会觉得寂寞吗？在你回想起往年为他人付出的努力。。。人人是否已经早已遗忘？有的人不是要求回报，只是希望，在过去的以后。。。能够成为有价值的人。因为。。。人在寂寞，在孤僻，也还是的认同自己是合群的动物。需要别人的陪伴渡过生活的酸甜苦辣；需要别人给予鼓励，互相守望。

我吃的米不比他人，或没有一个人的盐吃的多。我不敢说自己了解的是人类，也不敢称自己理解的事物比任何人多。。。不过在生活道路上的点点滴滴，我看见的，体会的，听见的，感受的。。。足于让我的心中有个对人类的定义。那是多么惭愧的烙印，紧紧地存在我心上。在我过的每一天，相处的每一个人，我学到了不少。每日的夕阳西下，还是造样要过去。身为人类的我只不过是区区的小点。没有了自己，一天仍会过去。

在我看见的每一次绝望中，我看清了最难说的几句话：‘对不起’，‘感谢你’，‘我爱你’。对不起是我很早就一只会说的话。感谢你也是。要懂得低声下气，敢于认错的人类都是伟大的。在恰当的时候要懂得道谢。因为看见别人的付出，我们能给予最要好的回礼就是发自内心的感激。朋友是重要的，但人类仍是自私的。不过，我们更不能够忘记，是我们的特质。在感到沮丧的时候。。。要懂得原谅自己在能够原谅他人。要懂得了解自己才能够了解别人。

在每个人的眼里。自己的问题总是最惨的。在每个人的眼里，自己的问题是没有人能够了解的深奥.秘密。即使人们想了解，也会被当作是不会了解的。即使真的有人了解，也会被视为自以为是得多管闲事。人与人相处是一种生存之道。是一种深奥的独门艺术。

在当我为了芝麻绿豆的小事所扰。。。在大家深思苦恼的当儿请不要忘记，请千万不要忘记。。。当时的欢笑，和别人为你做的点点滴滴。因为他们是你灵魂的支柱，不是生活的负担！回想年过一年的生日。生日真正的意义不单单是收礼物，和朋友出外庆祝的日子。最重要。。。是他代表了一个人诞生的神圣的一刻。记得你的生日的人，都是欣赏你的存在的真友。因为只有庆幸你的诞生的人才是给你生活价值的鼓励。

人人街上都有。这个世上的确没有了你；没有了我，仍会旋转着。。。但要成为有意义的人，成为有价值的人，让自己觉得活得有意思。。。其实还是需要别人。因为。。。世界也许不留人。但在他人的心中，若对你有重视和关心的心灵寄托，你才能真正对自己的存在更有认同。。。这就是人。。。

Brooding Depressed

I thought I angry one de... But in the end I actually feel so lousy I wanna cry. Now think about it this is actually the very first time my good intentions got turned down. Rather it was brushed aside. Sincerely wanted to thank someone de but turned out I was brushed aside like nothing like that. Not even a formal rejection just anyhow dai guo only. Anyways it's no big thing also... Just something nice I saw while going out today then thought maybe u might like and I feel guilty about going ur house make xmas presents for other ppl but nvr give u anything...

But yar... crying over such trivial matters would be stupid and dumb. But do feel this urge to wanna cry. Feel really lousy and depressed. Online now... also dunno what I'm expecting. Sleep also cannot sleep... I wonder if it's really misunderstanding or not. That I shall not leave to judge by myself. Perhaps hearing an ample explanation would be good. But then again the die has already been cast. Dmg dealt... worst off... this good intention not even for someone I like have a crush on or anything. It's a good fren somemore so makes matters all the more worst. becuz u would have thought good frens would be more sensitive and sensible than to brush u aside... T.T very sad

A Day Of Thinking...

Day started off as sucky as it went today... It all begun with a dream of something annoying. Of someone ps me and somehow I find myself waking up so upset I was crying in my dream, and really I wonder why I was so saddened by that ps when it occurs more often than not. I guess dreams are just unexplainable. But that emotional wave it felt more real than anything else...

Though today was meant to celebrate my dear friend khairiyah's birthday. Sort of feel a bit down in the dumps from the very beginning. But I dun think anyone noticed it le bah. How to say... This is a new me. I've changed to become a positive force instead of a negative one. And I cleverly evaded all those sensitive qns which I expected to be fired at me so it went rather smoothly... My mind was constantly wandering today about a lot of random stuffs and those very subjective qns which ppl often critic as thinking too much...

Just keep asking myself so many qns today pertaining to human relations. Things from how to be a good fren to things like whether to give up on something when the future seems bleak at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if I truely open up to ppl at all. It's a quest to discover oneself and I feel it ever so pressurizing to do it quickly, becuz I'm kinda sick of those masks u pull in different situations. I hate hypocrites, yet I fear I myself am putting on a false image.

Khairiyah and Radhiah were commenting on how much I changed since I were in sec school. Say that I have way more confidence for some reason after I went to JJC and also got so much bolder and daring. Frankly I dunno why also. Used to be rather quiet and shy and also incofident of myself... I guess JC life shaped me. but that really got me thinking of whether changes are truely positive or negative. My relationship with my family has taken a downturn and now it has been reduced to a few words a day. sounds gloomy really... But I have this urge to leave home and be away from them for awhile dunno why. So i particularly look forward to my NS.

Someone made me angry today. I asked myself if I were petty. But really I thought the way it was answered disappointed me. It is more of disappointment becuz I always thought this person was sensible and sensitive enough. Not that much of angry. Just now feeling rather heavy and gloomy. Dun wanna care anymore those kind of feeling. Perhaps this was a misunderstanding bah... That the expression was just wrong. but in the midst of a wrong expression... I really got hurt alot. And I ask myself if that moment of folly showed some true color dare not expressed normally. for now I take a solemn disposition... Just wanna sleep the day away. Wanna sleep early today becuz I feel so fatigued both mentally and physically. And sadly I had so much good news to share today... bad day I guess... Phone also spoilt. =/

Bugging Dread =.=

I'm so bored. Yet I dun feel like doing anything. Played a bit of maple but soon it felt sickening. Read a few magazines and I just realised I've read them at least twice already... Wish there was someone to talk to but then I realise I dun really have anything to say either. Hai... mundane life. But I know can't complain much either becuz it's always this cyclic thing when I always dread the bored when there's not work yet yearn the bored when work piles upon more work. But somehow if i were to choose between the two... I realise I prefer it when there was work, becuz it gives me a direction at least, instead of rotting days away on ends.

Urrrhhh.... Now dying of the dread... Probably irritating some ppl on MSN becuz I'm too broed... >.< ps ah. Well that irritating feeling is upon me again of something I'm supposed to do long ago since the end of A lvls. trust me... I'm FEELING it... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz It's a curse I tell u. A curse that makes my life miserable. Gosh dun even know if anyone can guess what I'm describing. BUGGING FREAK!!!!

A Long Time No Dabble Moment

oooo... It's a long time since I last blogged. Not that I dun have anything to write la... Actually I do have lots on my mind and seriously a lot of things went by this past few days... But somehow whenever I typed halfway I decide to stop le... Feel lazy lol. And suddenly no mood to write le...

Well firstly... Tmr is KHAIRIYAH BIRTHDAY LE ^^ Made a super fantabulous gift that was so totally FREAKIN AWESOME that I keep praising myself LOL ya lar ya lar I probably sound so arrogant now but seriously it's AWESOME *.* Last year's gift already so awesome le so this year gotta be better. Spent like the whole day from morning till night to do, and finally finished. Gotta say again... I am so proud of myself. I am so impressed by myself LOLOLOLOL XD well hope she dun faint when she see it tmr. Gonna pop by her house in the morning and give her her first bday 'cake' as breakfast. MacDonalds hotcakes haha... well apparently she going somewhere with her parents. Some famous religious teacher so too bad me and rad and khai plans ruined. Now switch to wednesday le... Bummer... But still my gift is AWESOME hahaha...

Next... hmmm though xmas is like still rather far away... I delivered xmas presents to my good frens already haha... Must be honoured oh lol It may seem simple but I put in a lot of effort to make de. startong from begging toh liling to lend me her oven to bake my things =.= Thx toh liling ^^ Then I had to learn wrapping from Tay yiling who apparently say that the wrapping i use is very easy de... Guess girls know how to wrap stuff... But I'm a guy zzzz So I really had a hard time rewrapping a lot becuz too ugly zzzz... well hope everyone enjoyed the honey and butter toasted flakes XD they were my first attempt so hope u all udst if they were slightly burnt =P Hmmm... had a serious dilemma while delivering the gifts though. But shall not elaborate yea... Just know i got a huge headache and I felt super sorry and guilty... thx toh liling to tell me what to do when i so panicky =X Well... lets leave this here... shall not gossip. It's not good news anyways.

Hai... Days are passing and the day of me going to teach is starting. Feeling superbly nervous. And feeling ill at the thought of me wearing shirt, tie and long pants. And WORST OF ALL the obiang teacher's shoe =.='' eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... Mixed feelings of daily stuff now. Often think to myself questions of human relation. as in how do we ever tell if we made a mistake. And how do we detect it. Will a 'like' always last... or be sadly mistaken. The boundary between love and like is so thin... I wonder how we tell them apart... =S hai... sadness...

Feeling Sticky

Dunno what's up. But nowadays I have headaches everyday before I sleep. Not sure if it's the weather... But I feel awfully sticky. somehow my skin seems to be secreting excess oils and it just gives ur face especially that wet and moist kind of feeling. Super irritating. Tomorrow's gonna be the day to go Toh Liling house to bake stuff. Kinda look foward but also lethargic as well... zzzzz

Dun really have that mood to go out much since I got addicted to maple again. As much as immersing myself in a virtual reality really passes the time. At the end of the day I always feel that I have no life. well... always a bummer. I mean last few days I was complaining that I have nothing better to do. And now... I finally found something to keep me occupied for the whole day and I'm complaining again. i guess finding what u truely want is a quest that is life-long. zzzz

Teaching days are coming up and I feel I ought to brush up on my academics. BUt then again there is the more threatening problem of appearance. I wonder how I shld appear to fit the role of an educator. What clothes to shop for, what hair to cut, etc etc... It's a bummer. Not to mention chalets are coming up and I really really shld go slim down shldn't I? lol

Well... for now... let's do this one by one... I guess let's see if we can make the desired dream taste that I want in my tarts tmr... so I can give everyone a super sweet xmas hahaha.... well cya peeps... I feel so sticky now... I think i need a bath =.=

Closing Chapter and the Dull Future

Finally finished the whole of the lovely complex manga series. Just as awesome the anime and movie was this manga was definitely worth the buy and the reading. There were many parts in the manga that I had no idea about by just merely watching the anime and movie. Well... bad news is... the poison of lovely complex is intensifying haha. I'm starting to get really high expectations of life and all. well hope there won't be much impact in the future though.

Dun really have anything much to do nowadays... I'm bored zzzzz Even computer games are like boring me and TV programmes just suck sometimes. Wish I could find something interesting to do. Otherwise I shall might as well rot at home =.= Oh well... bored now just typing all this. Gotta go use the toilet liao lol.

Christmas Is Coming =X

Time is moving sporadically nowadays. I mean when I look at the calendar I'm partially shocked and amzaed that it's like just slightly more than a week ago that I was dealing with my last A levels paper, yet time is moving incredibly slow. Feels like it's been a month or more that I've been lazing at home; Ironically as much as I dread that time seems to be crawling I also sort of wish it was not that fast because of many things. =/

Well... Khairiyah's birthday is like round the corner and I am like cracking my brains over what I shld do. =X Well actually I shldn't even be posting this thing here incase khairiyah reads my blog and it no longer becomes a surprise zzzzz. But too late liao, cuz last few post I said le so whatever liao. Anyways got a few things I wanna plan this december. But let's keep it a bit mysterious. Firstly gonna be Santa Clause hohohoho. Secondly Khairiyah Birthday bash and plan ^^V. Next, a surprise sendoff for someone during early january. Gotta start cracking my head for some good ideas zzzz...

Anyways as I continue to read the lovely complex manga the more I feel I'm poisoned by fantasy zzzz. Now i really wish that life was more like the manga. But too bad it's not. Hence feel really bored now.... =//

Still nothing much to say. Rather it's hard to put into words. Well look forward to next monday becuz Toh Liling is coming back from her Genting trip and I can go her house for baking. YAY!!! Toh Liling quick come back leh XD!!! Oh well... I have nothing much to say anyways... So shan't mumble on...

(No inspiration of a title =.=)

Yea today finally mock interview was over. It was a good experience and all... But how to put it... as much exciting as it was I sort of long anticipated that surely I would do good for interviews. So I guess congratz to myself, the trainer said she would definitely give me the scholarship, and if someone didn't it would no longer be that the problem lies with me. Not wanting to sound all arrogant or anything but then... yar a bit expected anyways since I'm a natural at oral skills and now with the interview secrets and techniques that i learnt.

I went to purchase the whole manga set of lovely Complex today. Still reading them as of now. AWESOME as always XD I mean the manga storyline is almost the same as the anime and movie yet somehow different. It goes into greater detail and there was even more scenes which were neither shown in the anime nor movie. For now I'm engrossed. heee so tmr will be a whole day of reading the manga and indulging in the world of Lovely Complex. ^^V

Having these weird empty feelings lately. Wonder what that could mean. Someone warned me about me getting too engrossed in Lovely Complex and hence poisoning my own mind with too much fantasy. A bit skeptical at first. But how to say... Do somehow feel something is lacking. I look towards the romance and frenships etc in the anime and all and start to wish I had them or live a life in that fantasy reality. Perhaps that would start to explain the sudden bore with life itself. Lacks the exciting elements in the fantasy world. Wonder how things will turn out... =X Have imposed silence again today on someone else. Well to be perfectly honest, when i impose silence I always know u know... that I'm being unreasonable. It's not that I am so evil and forceful in wanting people to enjoy the things that I enjoy. It's really not that. When I say I'm angry... I'm not angry at anyone in particular. Just feel lousy and angry that's all... Imposing silence is just my way to avoid like feeling negative or getting angrier while my flames simmer so that next time I see someone I would be alright again...

Perhaps as someone i rmb once told me. What's wrong with me you know? No one thinks like that. Only I do... Well... haiz... I can't really do anything about that. So for now since I've imposed silence... let's be it bah... I guess I just lack the social skills...

Anyways... latest development in the teaching internship thing. Saw a picture and info about the teaching supervisor I would be having already. Apparently it's a physics teacher, and I was rather shocked since... I am not even going to teach physics... so I wonder wth that arrangement was about. Feel the stress coming as I start to realise that the hands of the students are in my hands. Gotta make sure I'm a good teacher or I would really disappoint those students. I do have confidence in the subjects that I am teaching. But then... teaching them to a whole class is another thing entirely. fingers-crossed... ...=X

Do feel fantasy and reality are closing together in my mind... perhaps my mind is really starting to get poisoned by Lovely Complex and it's fantasy ideals... ...

All In A Days' Rant

It's two days since I made my last post, and although it's just a mere 48 hours I sort of have loads of things to talk about. Been wanting to write something the past few days but was too busy to do it, and well finally today I am going to let it all go in one big post ^^V.

Ok let's start with JJC prom 2009. Haha Went through all the prom pictures of our class people and people I know, and i was like shocked and amazed really. I mean the girls particularly. When they doll up themselves they are really really pretty XD No kidding. Hmmm... not exactly some fashion expert, but i thought peishing looked like a princess, nice hair btw. Toh Liling =.= ya lar ya lar I look closer you really look more sophisticated and pretty also la =D. Cynthia from E club was like very nice ^^V and many many more. Though things to comment on the shock scale would be Peiting's surprising hairstyle. Really blew my mind away o.O Abigail also very different. OMG I thought i saw a ghost. You were damn white la. =.= Winnie also look very different. But compared to Peiting they all okok la actually not that big a diff. Well hope everyone had an enjoyable prom night in Las Vegas and brought home with them beautiful and grandur memories of their graduating years. =)

Yesterday I was rather cheerful until some unpleasant incident like burned me up. =/ I was like complaining to toh liling how totally annoyed i was that I had to impose one of my famous silence on people. Sec school people shld know how serious and severe it is when I impose silence on someone. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Well it started with just a small flame which then escalated into this huge forest fire the more I think about it. Well for now... Fire still sky high and waging. But with time any fire will be extinguished. So let's just see how long this fire would last =/// But point to note to self is that I dun like fiery anger. I dun believe in that. Feel it is childish. Rather I believe in cold anger. The type when u ignore someone or hate them but not say a word. Let it all just rage from the heart, but show it in a subtle way.

Today is the second day of my scholarship course. I have to say it is really worth the money. It cost $90 btw. But the school has subsidised us money already. The speaker was extremely assertive and professional. She was an interviwer herself and is a personal trainer of the corporate world. I mean all of us were like awed at her stories of interviews and her own personal tips. She got us all to go up in front of everyone and like practise some questions that we write for ourselves. Learnt so much about communication and how we present ourselves as well as many things which I can expect to be asked during an interview. As much as it was nerve wrecking to talk infront of everyone, I guess it was good practise u know. after two days i kind of got used to talking in front of people and sharing my views. Another thing to commend about this workshop is that the trainer actually helps us discover what are our values, goals, missions and beliefs. She hears from us individually and give feedback on whether we shld revise it to make it sound more like a goal or what. And THANKS CLAIRE!!! U really helped me forget all about my confusion. For now I think u have finally helped me find out what course I shld take in University ^^V I really appreciate it so much, becuz I have been unable to sleep well for a long time. Becuz I am constantly harassed and haunted by the question. Overall during lunch we all agreed that this was absolutely money well spent. If given a choice of signing up again. GOSH we all would definitely do so and encourage ppl to close one eye on the course and soon they will find out why it is THAT worth it. Tmr would be the mock interview =X Going to prepare for it soon. Going to be interviewed like I am really going to some scholarship talk. There is even going to be a video camera and all so that we can see ourselves. And at the end of the day she is going to tell us if she would award us the scholarship =X Quite nervous. But after I know what I want. I FEAR NOTHING NOW!!!

Well I guess I have some positive bonuses according to Claire before the interview. She says I have an open face and a very friendly smile which not many people have. Which is very welcoming and will help build rapport with the interviewers. Anyways she also taught us how to build physical rapport with the interviewers through our body language which I thought was extremely interesting and useful. Also my language is fluent and clear, and I have a very child-like wonder which makes my voice especially attention grabbing and spirit lifting. AWESOME ^^. Well shall post again tomorrow to say if I will be awarded the scholarship during the mock interview. But really gotta do my hmwk for tmr. (TURNS OUT u really need to do a LOT of hmwk for an interview)

kk last but not least. today I went to the briefing at MOE for my teaching internship. Sad thing was I never really saw any JJ students at all. Perhaps there were? I dunno. But I didn't see any. =/ Felt rather lonely becuz a lot of people came in groups. Well still congratz to myself. I am the 1/4 of the people who applied for this internship and got it. woohoo. Well I think this scholarship workshop helped me have a feel of talking in front of the crowd so I am that much more confident that I will try my best to be a great teacher during my whole school experience. Curiously though, many people say I look like a teacher. So I guess this would the best time to see how true is that yea. Well all is a mystery. Life is a thrill. Continued emphasis today that everyone is equal but unique. Tmr shall be a fun day to look forward to. For now I go do my hmwk and PREP =.=

A Surprising Discovery

Following up from yesterday's prom day at home... hmm seriously went to check out the various scholarships and schools and courses etc. Well sort of made up my mind that I'm going to NUS since they offer a really interesting programme called USP which has gotten sparkles all over my eyes hahaha. Well course-wise still as always a blur. Hopefully as time comes by this haze will slowly subside.

Looked through the prom pictures this morning all excited. But guess too bad 08S02 prom pics are not up yet. Kinda hope they were though. But I did saw F3 prom pics. Some ppl were easily recognisable while others I was like searching high and low becuz below the fb pic they called state the name but I can't even find them =.=. One of these was Winnie. I was like searching so hard you know cuz I was like thinking WHERE THE HELL got? Until I finally gave up and eliminate one by one then I found and I was like AYEEEEEEEEEEEE... There she is. ok so enough of the drama lol. But this game was really fun. Let's call it search for the ppl in the prom pics game ^^V. Mildred also looked quite different. She looked very pretty leh hahaha of course not to say she looks ugly to begin with la =.=.

So woke up this morning all excited. Played the prom pics game and got awed by ppl's amazing transformations, and then again I find myself telling myself over and over in my head... zzz I'm Bored... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Still think Lovely Complex is fantabulous and awesome beyond reason, that goes without saying. It is in thy heart that it shall forever ignite with passion ^^V.

Well some bad news for everyone. Surely this is a douse of cold water. get this! 29.58% of Singapore A level graduates obtain 3H2 As in 2008 T.T Worst 29.31% of A level graduates obtained 4H2 As in 2008 zzzzzz And here I was thinking that if I could get 3H2 As I would be good. But there goes that saying that one mountain is always higher than the other... T.T Well except for Everest of course LOL.

So that means if I just get 1 less A I am out of the game. Loser for life; future ruined; syonarra scholarships; viva la vida my hopes and dreams. It's kind of hard to imagine that majority of ppl get 3H2 As. =.='' seriously. I would have thought it was the minority you know. Well face facts I guess... U snooze you lose. And a startling new thought for me. Perhaps i shld just leave all the future planning to AFTER i get back my A levels. For all u know I may be in for a big surprise and see my dreams plummet to rock btm... Hai depressing. Oh well that's why I have lovely complex for *-*

My Stay-home Prom Day

A lovely 4th time re-watch of Lovely Complex. And I gotta tell you it just doesn't get boring *-*!!! Well... Guess what? Today's Prom Day again. And the decision still the same as secondary school. No prom for me as well. Kinda regret it really but at the same time kinda glad. I guess I'm being ambivalent now haha Perhaps fickle too. But oh well... I have my own reasons.

Decided to do something productive today since everyone was like preparing for prom and I feel kinda left-out sad to say. But nontheless have fun peeps ^^ Hope everyone dress nice nice and have a great time! Look forward to prom pics so that I can laugh at them and perhaps be amazed at 'Ugly duckling to swan' makeover stories LOL. Cleared my room today, and I'm proud to say alas that the right side of my table is finally going to see the light of day. encountered great dilemma though. For I wasn't sure if I could throw all those JC notes away since I was going for teaching intern in Jan and they could really come in handy.

been receiving scholarship application invitation letters from NUS, NTU,... and suddenly I realise that just as I were in primary school till now I have no aims nor aspirations. I wonder what course to take you know. I guess I'm at a bad state right now since I have practically no idea of what I want to be nor what I'm suited for. I only have family goals haha... Sad to say I'm more sentimental than serious and practical. Always watch those shows on TV where guys with dreams are just HOT lol. Guess I must be missing that HOT factor since I have no dreams of the future =.= Boiling down to it I guess I'm just too simple and content with the daily pleasures of life.

Some of those scholarships were pretty tempting I have to say, yet, I dun wanna take up a scholarship anyhows without bearing in mind the aftermath and the things it entails. Again more dilemma and confusion =.= someone funny said I shld go be a writer and I was like laugh laugh laugh. But what truely is to laugh is that I just might go into the writing business. Who knows man? To put it in a good way, I'm a piece of newly-purchased clay that can be moulded into anything. But hey hey, let's face reality that I'm just really indecisive. =/

As I watch lovely complex episode 24. I start to wish my future path will just suddenly come clear to me like on the show when i meet something that truely inspires me on the road and makes me say... I WANT TO DO THAT!!! XD Oh bless Otani and Koizumi, the dynamic duo in Lovely Complex ^^V.

Well... If you ask me, truth is I do have a small dream. But kinda feel awkward to say it out you know. Because this is not something an academic brain will say. Because that just means that I wasted my whole life studying when I do not even need to haha. If only I can open my own store one day I was thinking that sells nice food and beverages. It is to laugh... but my small dream was to open a successful dessert shop I guess =). But I wonder how on earth chemisty, biology, math or even GP is going to come handy for this =.=. Although when I was a baby the fortuneteller did say I would make it big in the food industry and be very rich ^^.

Perhaps one day when I have earned enough money I will do that bah ^^V It is afterall my small small fantasy. The future is a blur to me, and I have my own personal values that I shall not make up things on the spot during a scholarship interview or something. I shall not lie just to get in. I want to be sure before I do anything. That sounds kinda MAN doesn't it? hohohohoho XD

Whether I choose science; Whether I choose business; Whether I choose the Arts; Whether I choose medicine; Whether I choose the public services sector... I just hope when I do I'll be sure. I'll be sure of what I need to do to deliver (Y)

XD

THANKS LOVELY COMPLEX XD
I'm SERIOUSLY SUPER SUPER HAPPY NOW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

A Drug That Makes Me Go Dazey(HOHOHOHO!!)

Anyone reading this has JUST GOT TO WATCH THIS FREAKING GOOD ANIME!!!! It is not just a show, it is THE show. Emphasis on 'THE SHOW'!!!! OMG I dun even know where to start. It's so great it has got me giddy and excited just talkng about it hahahaha... This anime was SO impactful it made me wanna share my happiness with everyone I know. Becuz after watching it I have this strange sense of happiness and bliss like the feeling of I'm in love. SERIOUSLY I swear. And I'm not the only one who says that! Hooi Kim also say watch le will give a sort of blissful feeling. But oooohhhh.... I feel like I'm in heaven.=) When characters of the anime cry I grab a pack of tissue. When they laugh I laugh along. And when romantic moments come my palms sweat and I stare with my eyes glued to the moniter. I swore i screamed like a fangirl on multiple occasions too XD

kk... I was so excited that I forgot to mention what this anime is called in the first place zzzz. It's... LOVELY COMPLEX. Dear lord jesus and god from all religion thanks for the godsend. I'm so greatful *_*!!! All go this link: http://www.animefreak.tv/watch/lovely-complex-episode-1-english-dubbed-online-free!!! I bet my dignity that u will LOVE it! It's my greatest regret not watched this earlier. The blessing and lover of my present. And the inspiration for my future. This is not just GOOD. It is AWESOME and FANTABULOUS!!! It is MOST IMPTLY... good... for the SOUL... *_* To summarise it's about a relationship between two most unlikely ppl. A girl who is freaking tall and a guy who is freaking short. You can expect to see heartwarming scenes and of course comedic ones that will make u ROFL. U can count on my words.

I wonder what magic this show has that makes me change my view of many things. Used to have these feelings that BGRs are horried and all for awhile post some traumatic experience. But now love is painted in a rosy picture to me now. =D I just keep feeling honey and smile to myself everyday. Never felt this good for ages. It's like all my troubles and worries just momentarily disappeared after watching this life-changing show... It's a magical drug. been rewatching it multiple times. You know it is SO GOOD they converted this anime into a life action movie starring real life actors. AND I NVR THOUGHT REAL LIFE WOULD BE SO AWESOME. After I watched it i almost fainted from happiness... Like if I got hit my a car I would die with no regrets LOL.

Well one of my most fav episodes... (Of COURSE all of them ARE MY FAV!!! HOHOHOHOHO ^^V) was one about the birthday when the guy finally confess to the girl after rejecting her two times, which lasted over 17episodes... =.= zzzz. But it was worth the wait those magical 17 episodes, when they finally got tgt. XD Well... about birthdays... I guess one of my good friend's bday is coming right up... Khairiyah. I wonder what I shall do this time. Oh and not to mention Christmas is coming too. I guess almost everyone would be receiving presents from me since I'm on a starvation diet and have tons of money to spend on gifts ^^V Well did wanted to spend all that money on something i really want... But nah I guess christmas comes once a yr and I'm going army soon so might as well spend my last christmas as a teen before i go into army and become supposedly a man... =.=

Birthdays sure remind me of many things... But I shall not elaborate. And I guess there is such a thing as drug immunity. Becuz... I mean I still think the anime was fantabulous and AWESOME just the effect that it gives me of erasing all bad memories all that seems to be weakening... haha Oh well nothing last forever i guess... So many burning qns in my mind now. but k I guess i just go rewatch the whole anime series again. ^^V

There is a three letter word I have been wanting to use for a long time though... ... oh well... =X