Permafrost

I'm tormented by horrible dreams in my sleep of scenes in real life... they provide troubled sleep... Even when I decided to go to bed early I am denied safe sanctum...

Is it really better this way? 

I just want to run away... run far far ahead even though I wanted to turn around and head back to where I came from. But I can only watch and see... no matter how much I wish and no matter how much I feel about things. Things will never be changed. 

I made a promise though... still... I remember a line... I remember a time... there was this that had to be said:

":( Don't worry ok? Without rain we would never appreciate the warmth of sunshine. Don't feel under valued. That is who you are and true friends/lovers will love you for who you are. Not what they want you to be. Haha It's ok. I like the rain. It puts things in perspective. Embrace sadness and melancholy. Its is part of life and beautiful in its own strange way. I won't 'un-friend' u k? =D you are awesome in your own way"

drip drip drop...

Life In Canvas: Pastel Shades and Hues

Hold on tight and don't let go... Run and gather the lift and then let it go... Ensure there is sufficient tout in the thread and then pull to increase lift when there is up-wind. Slowly but carefully release the string more and more each time~ Rhythmic and hypnotic like your soft breathing during sleep... Push and pull like the moon does the tides~ See the nice height yet? I'm sure you're feeling the powerful tug on your hands but don't let go okay? Because you'll never know then where the wind will carry away the kite... You'll only be able to watch: As it fades into the infinite blue skies above like an elusive star   disappearing at the break of dawn... going higher and higher... until you can see no longer~

I don't want to suppress myself any longer... This week had been a terrible week because I had to suppress all my feelings and I pretended things were okay when inside I knew they were not. I told myself that I can be strong and not let anything outside get in and change my world. But I had to watch... I had to watch my own acting each and everyday... How tiring is it to have to look into a mirror and ask yourself what you are doing only to see an image of another that looks like you but is not you...

I keep feeling that I was a liability to everyone around me. I really wish I was smarter just so that I could help the people around me with their studies like I used to. I really wish I was richer such that I could have a car or something and then share them with the people around me. I have so many things but I wished it upon myself a misery of not having those that people all do not have that I may just be able to provide for. That way I'll feel useful... That way I'll feel less useless... That way I'll be able to help...

I hated myself so much... But nobody hated me =(

But why is it that I keep feeling that I've done a great wrong? Why is it that I keep finding a need to punish myself just so that I could feel better about it... feel less guilty for being myself... It's like there's a funeral and even when the brightest of sunshine greets me I tell myself not to smile just because it wouldn't have felt right...

Don't leave~~ as much as I wish so much that the people around me will hate me for a change... I wish that people won't give up on me too =X To all my friends out there... please don't leave anymore...

I don't want to live in pretense anymore... I don't want to act in my own directed drama no longer... Right now I say it... I'm really sad about everything =/ I'm not okay~~ But still live goes on and I'll continue living just because there are more things to life out there. Time will heal? Erode away the wrinkles that  blemish this course of history...

And I decided to release the kite that so strongly tugs away from my hand... I cried... I cried so much I had not enough tears but to continue another day... May it be one day... when the kite will come back~ But no longer... forever won't be... held anymore... by a string~

Always hoping... ... until the day comes when time so cruelly erodes away even that last remnant that I promised myself I'll always pray for...

Music Box

True strength was not the strength to carry up the sword of courage. I guess I was sadly mistaken. But for a long time I was always under the impression that it was. When I see that the people around me could achieve so much great things using their own power I pitied myself for the lack of ability that I possessed. Perhaps a better way to say it would be that I lack the abilities that the practical world demanded... yet... the demand is an insatiable appetite fueled by the innate desires of so many to obtain pure power: Money, intelligence, career and even appearances...

I come to realize though that in Uni it really didn't matter who here has the greatest latent talent or who has the raw power needed to succeed... Everybody has that reservoir of pure power inside them... Whether I have a bigger one; whether I have a smaller one... does it really matter? I guess the only greatest factor that determines the difference between me and them; me and us; me and u; and even between me and me is the ability to tap onto the huge reservoir that lies dormant inside.

Do I have the drive? Do I lack resolve? For I lack that fire starter to jump start the engine... I'm stuck in a perpetual story of rainy days...

But I asked again... what is true strength... it was not the power to take up the sword of courage... But rather I found that it took even greater strength to put that sword down when there is no longer any meaning~

Am I alone here? =( I hear the music box that brings back nostalgic memories... 

there is a question that forms in my heart... but I wondered if knowing the answer would have made things any better... I promised~~

The First Time

I had my usual dessert for a rainy day today again... My mum would always ask me when I leave the house suddenly, where I was headed. My reply to her was always this: I feel like eating honey sea coconut dessert...

I never could tell my family members when I was unhappy. They took me as a guy with a craving for this sweet and icy treat. Never failing to comment to me that eating too much of it will make me become fatter. I understood where they were coming from. But it was a habit that I had developed over the years. The solution to a hard day/ week would always end up with this dessert put right in front of me as I indulge myself in this sinful pleasure to forget about the painful thoughts that resound in my head like a church bell.

I remembered today how everything first happened. It was really interesting to me how certain subtle things happen in your life which leads to unexpected results. A simple gesture may lead to a doorway into someone else's world. I wished that the world could understand my own language but the current state suggests that I'm speaking more of some alien native language.

Do we feel lonely sometimes? I was telling this friend that if someone told me that they loved to be alone... I would never have took them for real. To me it just means that the person has built a super tall wall around himself/herself due to something that happened in the past... and it just means that I need to take more effort to demolish this wall to see the real person inside. For truly I ask this: How can anyone ever wish that they be alone with nobody to care about them? To me then life would have lost meaning... Therefore, I say... I am afraid to be alone... that's true... But I've also built a strong wall around myself for the pain of exposure demanded me to shield myself from the outside world due to my sensitivity.

Memories they haunt me sometimes. Be it good ones or bad ones they haunt me. Is there value to remember when the cruel hands of time will move on nonetheless?

I remembered a time when the encounter was subtle and the intent was that I didn't want to see people being lonely. I especially hated to see people eating alone... and that is why when able I'll always accompany someone if they are eating alone even if I had already eaten. Things changed though and then magic happened...

I am a grieving soul that weeps over the death of something which my heart held true when in reality it is no longer. My heart strings tug at me when beautiful memories grace me and then painful memories makes those images even clearer. 

I hope for god to be forgiving... I hope for miracles that will erase the present and usher in the past. Naive dreams I have indeed: Foolish and childish but always so pure. Let's have a friendship that lasts forever k... so long that even after everybody gets married.. our families will still like go out together and stuff... that be the best friend of my dreams... but it shall be... always in front of me... always for me to be seeing; at one time holding; but always fleeting... 

It was and never is... mine... =(

I'll show you heaven and then a taste of despair

Cute little macaroons... adorned in such lovely vivid colours- They resemble the rainbow: myriads of hues of shades from the joyous to the depressing. Like two clouds of vibrancy that melts in your mouth and a light and heavenly cream that binds the two together to make the set complete... I see them in most shops as I'm walking down the streets of town and I am always mesmerized by the wonderful display and then the fantasy and imagination sets in. 

I feel a waltz in my mouth when my taste buds respond to each different taste. There is no taste to colours but somehow it just adds up and my mind is filled with fascinating dreams of a riot of colours. And yet... ... I've never ever tasted a macaroon in my entire life hitherto... But just by seeing with my own two eyes I already taste it with my mind and with my soul and therefore my tongue...

Do people care about wishes of a distant dream made long ago? The times when we all didn't know any much better about adult life and the harsh reality of this world. There was a time when our dreams and hopes were boundless and filled with infinite possibilities. We didn't know what impossible was and we didn't care about how to get there at all. 

I had a dream; you had a dream... and we talked about our dreams under a vast blue sky of the purest of friendships and trust combined. Do we still value such thinking? Or had we grown up and known better already? Yet... is this thinking so distasteful now that we can never be able to swallow it therefore? 

But then again... there never will be a heaven without a hell... It is a rite of passage to have tasted honey before we knew what was not so sweet. We had to experience the pains of this life just so that we could feel the ecstasy we needed. The ecstasy like a drug I wished would never fade away; but i know is temporal- fleeting... intangible... within your sight... but never yours...

I see an empty room... and my lifeless bear sits on my bed just smiling at me. The counselling sessions we used to share seem so dumb now... My bear never was, always has been, always will be a lifeless doll with no mind of it's own. So when I talk to you Mr. Bear and tell you all my secrets and tell you all the things that are happening in my life who am I telling to anyways? 

What's the point to all this; what's the point to trying to taste the sweetness of life when there is the bitter aftertaste of despair. What's the point of filling each and every single day of your life with empty bonds you know will never last; an emptiness that feeds the eternal void that my heart is so already hemorrhagic from.

So I built my castle from the ground. Brick by brick I slowly solidify these thoughts I harbor. That even as the wall goes higher and higher and the sky suddenly seems smaller and smaller and now darkness glazes my eyes and mind... I lay in my towering fortress asleep. Feeling safe and sound... waiting for the next person to open those walls again~ if there is ever a soul that had that much strength

The Seed Embraced By The Soil

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling the chilling winds of the night creep upon me. Out of my carelessness I had fell asleep without covering myself with my blanket and I thought to myself... Let's just try to sleep without it otherwise I still have to make it the next morning. But I tossed and turned for a few minutes... and in the end I still buried myself like a worm in a cocoon under the warm embrace of what felt like safe heaven... 

I covered myself... snug... warm... safe to sleep once again... But a single tear streaked down my cheek as I came to realize how much I wanted some protection from the cold... Just a place where I could feel that I could be myself once again... under the warm and nurturing comfort of a cover from all the bad things happening out there.

I woke up this morning... feeling an unusual emptiness in my heart. I didn't feel like talking about it anymore and I probably cried my fill about everything else that needed to be grieved over. I had breakfast by myself and I kept thinking of the pair of eyes I wanted to say something but then decided not to just because I don't feel like it anymore...

Is this the end? I dunno... ... But perhaps the end always comes first from me... because even if the whole world wanted things to end up yet I refuse to do so... then the story will never end as well... The depth of feelings is deep and a mystery.

The past and good o' days... will never translate to the future and the present... only identities from which we draw our lines from~

Rainbow Tears

Perspective is power and the way we perceive ourselves affect us so much that sometimes if we think of failing then it goes without saying that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think of times when I really regret doing certain things in my life: Some I'm ashamed of; some I just hate myself for; some I ask myself what came over me at the heat of the moment... It is with this that I ask myself if it was even possible to lead a life that has no regrets. That is to say that, whatever I do I will have so much faith and conviction that it will propel me forward to where I envision myself to be in a bright future of beautiful dreams and boundless happiness~

Are we disappointed by ourselves when we do something wrong? Perhaps there was a time when you really wished so much to apologize to someone about a moment of folly that befell upon you, yet you have no excuses but to say a soft but sincere: I'm sorry~

It's as if the rain came earlier than you had anticipated and the storm swirls around you and attacks you from all directions. You cried and you were in agony. Though at the back of your mind you knew that a rainbow of hope awaits you at the end of the trials. So you shed tears of pain but yet filled with the beautiful dreams of a new tomorrow that you know will come any time now. Are you cold walking drenched in this pouring rain? For I feel cold no longer. Only weeping tears of beautiful hopes that empower myself... tears of love and vigor... those as enchanting as a rainbow across the sky.

I left an umbrella made of the hope of a thousand rainbows developed across the seemingly eternal skies of grey... Staying silently but never forgotten... parked somewhere where it will be discovered once again... when it should rain or when it's owner finds me.

The Hardest Decisions

It was a rainy day today- a gloomy day. But I headed to town wishing to find some solace and to have a peace of mind to think about things. I popped in my ear pieces and listened to a few of my favorite songs on my i-touch as I walked around the streets and browsed the shops. I was looking for a good book that someone recommended me and the idea of thinking of the troubles of this life while sipping on some high class coffee in the middle of town on a rainy afternoon seemed almost magical. I met a friend, however, and we sat down and had a talk about many things~~

I wonder sometimes if it is only me who face the problem of being selfish. Because I get so depressed and emotional about so many things in my life when the truth was that if I was just willing to take a step backward and see the big picture, then my matters were truly trivial. I made a mountain out of a mole hill and simple things became abstract because my dramatic mind demanded it be such. Who do I blame really? Because a very aggressive friend of mine told me this: If you think there is a problem, then change it!

It dawned on me though that for many things in my life, I had always knew that I had problems. But you know... holding onto a hot piece of metal is painful at first. But hold on longer and the pain disappears when your skin dies off. Isn't that what's happening right now? I know that there are problems here and there with myself. But all I did was whine about them and sought the whole world to empathize with me. I am a horrible person because I was selfish to think that my trivial problems were important when right now out there in this World people are struggling to stay alive- Famine in Africa and poverty... etc

So what is happiness? Is it relative? This is something I always asked myself. Does it mean that I ought to be happy just because someone else is leading a far worse life than I am now? Somehow I feel that that isn't the case really... If I defined what was happiness to me would it be the same with you as well? I doubt so~

And yet we all trudge/leap/run/crawl forward whether is it in bruises or with joy/pain/reluctance in pursuit of what we all envisaged to be the rainbow we'll see after the heavy rain. But when happiness becomes different then how then can the World be truly happy? Does it mean that some people have to unhappy just so that others can be happy too? There is a price to pay for everything and in everything we do we either have to pay it ourselves or have someone pay it for us. Such is the law of everything... Equivalency.

What is happiness to me? Is it to attain my definition of happiness in this life? Or is it to sacrifice my own just so that the people I care about are able to achieve their happiness? But I'm so afraid... =( I admit it... I'm very afraid of seeing my own happiness slip through my own two hands. I'm not so noble but in my heart I genuinely wish nothing but the best for the other. 

Whatever happens... take heart... that the truth will hurt intensely so... but have hope that it will free you too~ Can I have that courage too?

Thunder Crashes

I no longer know what's on my mind anymore. My emotions have drained me so much that I feel empty inside and my brain is filled with fleeting thoughts of many things. I looked into the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and I asked myself what happened to me? My eyes were reddish brown and dry; my hair was a messy array and I looked like I hadn't slept in ages.

I think whenever people proceed in life there comes a time once in awhile when you receive sudden revelations of certain things. I received mine this morning. It's as if I awoke from a long and distant dream of crazy things- some too ridiculous to even imagine that I would possibly have done. I had to admit... that in all my years of living there was always one thing I could not do: I could never love myself... The fact was I hated to be me and I hated all my personality traits and my emotional outbursts. I always wished I was somebody else...

I'm a piece of shit. Nothing more. Even though I really tried very hard to be something else. But sometimes trying isn't always going to mean that you'll succeed one day; it just means that you haven't given up. But so what if I packaged myself into something beautiful and pleasant to the eyes of others? So what if I totally locked that piece of shit up in some deep forgotten crevice? Whenever people got close enough and the wall is demolished they still see the piece of shit that I am... and who can truly say that they love an ugly duckling over the pretty white swan?

Sometimes... I wish someone would help me and lend me a supporting hand; but sometimes... I wish that I could not be helped. It's as if I wanted to die but I didn't want to die. And at the end of the day I cause so much trouble to everyone around me I end up feeling more horrible and sinful than I already am so deeply tainted by it. No body can take my emotional outbursts. Where people tried they failed... But I was hopeful all the time... only to be despaired at how impossible it will be even in the future.

Does anybody know who I really am? I'm not the enthusiastic, gregarious and quirky guy that you all know...  I'm really just an over-sensitive and sentimental guy who feels so insecure all the time that it hurts me as much as it hurts those close to me. But I asked myself what's the greatest gift and contribution I can give to the people who are important to me in my life.

It was that I guess my happiness would have been wasted anyways anyhow. So it really doesn't matter anymore. For the sake of not to be selfish anymore I'll do what I have to do even if it pains me to no end. I really love people a lot... I really did. That I never lied. But I always watched and admired from a distance never daring to be too close because I was afraid that people would see the ugliness of me.

I built a tall and impregnable wall around myself. But when it slowly broke down my world became exponentially bigger and I was exposed to a World of hurt I never knew existed before. Someone told me before: trust and believe that there are people who will love your ugly even if you didn't even try...

Tear filled eyes; and a dry lip; 

And I'm sorry... But this is my fate. everything is worthless... no one wants me to stay~

Painting The Silence With A Riot Of Colors

Why do some people keep things quiet when they have something that they really wanted to say? Does silence breed harmony or does it aid communication in any way? It would seem as though silence and communication doesn't seem to have any relationship whatsoever... But yet somehow I feel that it does. Because sometimes when certain things are said they leave bad after tastes in the mouth and they inflict wounds of the heart. Where do I draw the line then? Where do I draw the line that separates the silence from the voices that echoes in my heart?

Is it about trust? The trust that certain things need not be conveyed but be understood. But without a sound at all.. even if a tree fell in the middle of the forest and no one was there to hear it... would we have known that it fell after all? Sometimes... I find that silence is a test of trust... but just like god cannot be put to the test... should trust in people be put to the test then? It would seem it defeats the whole purpose isn't it?

So paint this silence with colors already and let there be no more gloominess and things unsaid. Because in every second of my life... I wish to tell the world so many things... And I feel so many emotions that paints so many pictures in my head that are so lucid.

Do I lack it though? Sigh... A sigh that is as many words as a thousand word essay will be

The Lost Key

I wonder why is it that certain things are just too complicated for my brain to comprehend. Especially this entire journey to discover to discover more about myself... Somethings I do I amaze myself; somethings I do  I'm actually proud of myself because it shows my strength of character and gives hope that I'm not such a weak dependent individual after all; somethings I do I feel ashamed of myself and wished there was a hole in which I could jump into and hide...

Things used to be so simple when they were all black and white. But then things were always not so simple because of the different hues of black and hence the creation of grays. Don't get me wrong... gray is a lovely color... Just that it makes choices that much more difficult to make and it makes you ponder over your actions and the consequences should there be possibly any. I suppose the hardest part of life is about telling the colors apart.

I thought about things during the weekend for very long and I find it such a challenge to tell fantasy from reality. The dreams that I have and the desires that I harbor: I can never truly tell if such things were overly idealistic or perhaps that it could possibly come true one day. But I had to watch at my dreams crash and burn, having to go through the trauma afterward~ Do I lack the resolve? Do I lack the footwork to move to the rhythm of life?

I don't think I'm depressed any more... deeply confused perhaps... I wish I had all the answers but sadly I don't. The only thing harder than to do well for an exam is to do well for yourself.  That is wise in itself... I really don't know what's going to happen next, but I suppose thinking about it ain't going to answer it either. The only thing I can do is to keep moving forward and survive the toils that are thrown at me each and every day. I wrote in previous posts since last year...

An Ice-Make Rose Garden;

Being Loveless In Love City;

The Magical Carriage That Turns Into A Pumpkin When The Clock Strikes 12;

A Wrinkle On A Pool of Calm;

And Finally... A Lost Key of Hope That Answers All~~

A penny for your thoughts? What am I trying to find? What is it that I am tirelessly looking for? Things are vague and woozy~~ It's as if my brain itself seems to be blocking certain memories from me so that I can't answer that question... Where is this lost key? 

But I don't think I should burden this on people anymore... People have their own lives to live. They don't have to take the time out to care about mine too... I'll promise to not make this a habit anymore... I'll try to keep things to myself from now on~

The One Voice: Yours Truly

Like water I always moved along with the flow. In whatever container I sought to fill up, I followed the shape and never did otherwise. Where the collective droplets coalesce into a stream that moves steadily over the lands as runoff... I followed suite. And then we all joined the huge river that flowed in one large passive movement thinking that our sheer force was enough to make anything right. I prided myself upon the fact that I was fluid and adaptable... Being as fluid as water itself: Intangible yet at the same time tangible. But I do so no longer~~

I think the most important question that we need to ask ourselves today is the question of who we really are? Who we really are as in what exactly defines us and makes us uniquely ourselves? For I tell you the truth, there can be no two people that are identical on this planet. Even twins with the same DNA composition take up their own paths and assume their own uncharacteristic personas. Let me tell you all a story:

When I was very young I always enjoyed my friends a lot. Where ever they went I followed behind. At the end of primary school I went to Fuhua secondary school even though my dream school had always been River Valley. But the fact that I didn't want to lose a close friend of mine made me abandon that idea and go to a neighbourhood school instead. I figured that we would be friends forever and that we would be there for each other. But sadly... that friend and me went separate ways after 2 years... At the end of secondary school... I again chose to go to JJC because of my friends. The truth was that I really wanted to try my hand at going to HCI or RJC... But I once again had the idea of friends forever. Even though I always did wondered how life would have turned out, I treasured the bonds that were kept until this day.

I realized at this point in my life that I had never ever taken a stance on my position. Who am I exactly I ask myself... What defines me? Because I have come to realize that I can never survive this World without having my own stand. I can't stay neutral forever and be a passive follower. I need to have my own voice in this cacophony of noises... Otherwise I will surely be killed by the voices every single day. But MOST importantly, how would I even know what is happiness to me if I didn't even know who I was and what I wanted? Even if happiness knocked on my door I would have turned him away~

But accepting yourself is so difficult. It is difficult because we don't love ourselves. It is a challenge because of society and its pressures. If we lived in World that had no one else on it there wouldn't have been a 'right' or 'wrong'. Because then... everything you did would not affect others. But we simply can't just do whatever we wanted can we? Because we know that when we do certain things we would be judged; because we know that if we become certain stereotypes we would be stigmatized. But precisely what is wrong with being ourselves? I can never see any wrong to that...

If we call ourselves wrong for being quirky and weird then I feel that there is no disease in that person to begin with. Perhaps the disease IS society itself. Even though I may not truly believe in god, I believe that everyone exists with the right to pursue their own happiness. No matter what they are and who they are... I love everyone simply because they are just humans trying to find their own happiness! How can that ever be wrong?

LOVE YOURSELF... Because before you can love others or expect others to love you... you have to know who you are and embrace that self of yours. And it is only after you accept yourself for who you are can you then start living... Living never for the sake of others but living in order to search for the happiness that you have come to realize is of that much value to you... 

Let us no longer give in to societal pressures for it is the cancer of this century. Let us not be self-righteous and actually naively believe that being part of the river of the many droplets of water is an unstoppable force that we have to conform to. We all have a choice to stand up for ourselves or to hide among the voices of others just so we can feel safe from prejudice and becoming the 'bane' of society.

There ARE and WILL be people that will accept you for who you are and those are the people you can always count on. But what is most important is that your happiness matters more than anything else in this world.

So I constantly have to remind myself now... that even though I may be still discovering who I am I also need not be so fearful. Because I need to love myself and know that the people I care about will support me through and through. And whatever happens... things will always be alright somehow~

Sun Glare

Ever had the the experience of waking up in the morning and the morning sun rays just shoot through the window and onto your face? The golden sun beams are simply so radiant that they blind you and you have no choice whatsoever but to squint and turn away. The week had been a really terrible and traumatic one filled with ups and downs. I literally felt that I took a ride on the roller coaster of emotions. It's as dramatic as it is tiring as I find myself enjoying the peace from it all in my room at home where I feel safe.

Even when I was young I always learnt not to be dependent on my parents. When there were storms in the middle of the night, I would hide under my blanket and stick my fingers into my ears just wishing that the thunder and lightning will go away. Old habits die hard. It is simple and likely a mockery that a guy of my age still choose to cuddle up in my bed and hide under a blanket whenever I'm feeling blue. It's where I feel safe when I feel that the Earth is collapsing around me.

But of course, when I grew up, I met lots of awesome people in my life. Those people I call them my friends and soon my world became bigger and bigger due to the inclusion of one, two then many. We shared thick and thin; weal and woe. Back in the primary school days we would make promises to each other that no matter what happens that we will forever be friends.

Those numbers dwindled as I shed my childhood and took my steps into the cold adult world where practicality drives the passion and motivation of so many. Friends I loved became busy and everyone took their separate ways at the crossroad of destiny. If I waited at the junction from whence we came... will you come back one day to reminisce those days when we thought we were so cool?

And then the tree which we once pledged our loyalties shed it's last leaf in autumn... and a bitter winter approaches~

The world is just so big and there are so many things out there that I have yet to have seen and experienced. I don't want to live in a well anymore and I don't want to be so so weak and dependent on others for my survival. Of course the people around me matters more to me than I do to myself... It always had and always will be~ But I want to start thinking of my future and what I want to do in my life because all this while I had been following a trail of bread crumbs left behind by the people I tired to follow but disappeared at every crossroad we encountered.

I surely have my weaknesses. And until today I have yet to know who I am and why I am here... But I guess sometimes the truth is hard to swallow and people take years and even decades to finally look into a mirror and accept who they really are. I hope I can do the same one day. I hope I can discover who I am so that I can know where is the happiness that I am actively looking for because verily... I can never start to find true happiness until I know it exists.

There is no doubt that as I continue on this path of self-discovery that more people will leave me. But whenever the storm comes we'll just do what we always do won't we? I'll just run home and have a good cry. Hide under my blanket and feel safe until the storm is over. But I come to terms with the fact because of the pain I felt in the past... I refused to reenact an awful event. So I made a choice to not follow my choice. 

Irrational fears; irrational feelings... ... To what end will they stop? But I know in my heart and in my mind... that whatever happens... and I mean it... that no matter what happens... I will never be alone... and that everything will be okay somehow~~

So I woke up from a good rest after a terrible night of tears. Only to be greeted by the warmth of a golden ray of sun that suddenly made me realized how many people cared about me. Yet all I did was only wallow in a corner in my own misery and self-pity. My world was too small and I failed to experience the love that permeates the air. I can't help but shed tears of love and vigor... at the beauty of life and also of the people around me that always stood silently but was ready to accept with open arms when my rain had stopped...

Thank you~ I mean it... ...

Quiet Thoughts

How now brown cow?

I don't know how so please tell me how.

Even when water is still the bottoms still ripples;

beneath a surface of reflections of truth.

Is silence the harbinger of a disaster so near?

I dread the silence;

I despise the quiet;

But there came no sound but mute witness to the snivels of a lonely heart.

Can you hear me even in the midst of this film without sound?

One I so tirelessly wake up to everyday.

Like a leaf I drifted with the movements of a peaceful wave;

translating from point to point;

wavering from left to right;

The sun went down and the stars came out;

I attempted to lead a life not bound by puppet strings.

I am self-conscious...

Insecure too...

My only wish I have is that;

it will all be over soon

And When The Clock Strikes 12... All the Magic Is Lost

Everybody has beautiful moments in their lives... those factions of time that we all hold dear and cherish. Even in sleep we dream about them and in movies we see fantasies. That magical moment alike the act of that one spell that gives so much happiness... We sometimes ask ourselves if we truly deserved them... Because good things never lasted... Nothing does. So whenever people get too close they leave; when good news abounds, disaster and crisis creeps up on you; memories of joy metamorphosis into memories of hurt of a happiness long lost... So in this Cinderella Story kind of fantasy, as we sit in our luxurious carriages of finely plated gold and silver... we countdown as well to the 12 sonorous gongs of the merciless hands of time... when the magic will be lost to us~~

School was terrible this week... But then again, when hasn't it been ever since it first started? Expectations were dashed and reality quickly sets in. It felt as though my wings were stripped from me and mighty chains of steel have bind me to rock bottom. Hot pursuit is so evident to me... as I slog myself to class everyday knowing that each lesson opens yet another rat race. But I guess it's not to be unexpected that the classroom will be a shark tank after all? The World outside of school is so big... it fascinates me. What lies beyond my 4 years in NUS? It's an urban jungle where the weak will perish while the strong will survive... Can faith in the milder side of things pull me through when I enter into this massive ecosystem whereby every single weakness will likely be exploited by opportunists seeking to empower themselves?

I asked myself what I wanted to gain when I first came to University. I believed everyone did... or at least I believed. I admit that I was extremely keen to enter University for I enjoyed the thrill of competition and I delight in putting the 'KO' on others. Well... at least I thought I did... But I changed my mind when that time finally came and I opened my window to Cinnamon college- my new home; my second home. And suddenly... winning didn't seem all that important anymore~

I wanted to be rich and powerful because I tasted what it was like to the opposite. Even when you wanted to help others so much... You mock at yourself for lacking the ability to even do so. Words are cheap; words are empty... A simple prayer may go a long way, but the truth is that it brings no miracle instantaneously. When people around me wanted to go home from a faraway place... I wished it upon myself that I had a car to send them back. I wish I had money so that I could help make the dreams of others come true. But I had come to terms with the fact that without capital and a certain ability... your dreams can never be driven any farther than within sight...

I changed my mind... I wanted something else in University. I no longer aimed for some CAP of 4.5 because I no longer saw the need to struggle and squirm to reach the top. Because in burying myself in books I realized that the most important things to me was not my success and it was not the satisfaction from winning others... What's most important to me? They are my best friend, good friends, friends, and basically people all around me that I care about. I rather have a good time forming bonds than struggling to reach the top by myself... I'll be lonely anyways...

But of course... that doesn't mean that I will forgo my studies... I'll still try my best... after this aligning of priority...

I always thought that I was a rain cloud... One that always rained... Where rain visits occasionally the ground is rejuvenated and new life is born. The rain is appreciated... But when the rain cloud stays too long... people hate the gloom and the chaos it comes with and so the lonely rain cloud had no choice but to move to the next place... and the next and the next... ... He didn't needed people to tell him that he needed to leave... he knew better... But is there hope of a day when the water runs out? All those tears collected over the years but not yet shed... I wish the reservoir will dry out so that all that remains is a fluffy cirrus that bring rainbow and smiles to others...

And so when the clock struck 12... The magic of the spell was lost... The beautiful carriage skids carelessly off the road and changes into the pumpkin we always knew it was... Plain... Ordinary... Unappreciated...