Hidden Wound

Today... I saw with my own eyes that sometimes people just don't care about what happens to others... When I saw it happen I really felt very sad and disappointed =( There was one point when i was really very angry and wanted so bad to seek an explanation... but then I remembered god's teachings that is to never get angry and to have compassion where it least is to exist. My fire was extinguished but I really felt like crying thereafter...

I believed that the same thing would never happen again =X I really really thought it wouldn't... But still it did. And as I threw the trash away and washed the maggot infested trash bin with the toilet brush under the hot sun... I kept on finding possible reasons for what had happened... But I really couldn't... Couldn't explain it =( And I couldn't understand how people can do such things... doing things that will cause trouble for others. Choosing to let other people suffer~~~

I could never do such things. So I tried so hard to be in their shoes but I still couldn't... I cleared everything myself in the end... and was disgusted by how bad human nature could get. Understood sort of why god would have termed mankind sinners...

I did saw a kind soul in the long run... someone who sacrificed himself for the sake of others... Alas... I thought it wasn't such a bad day afterall...

I realized today... As i try to be a good person... And people tell me I am a very nice person... I couldn't help feel a painful wound deep inside. I would have thought it was gone by now... Truth be told I am happier now and feel more secure after embracing god. But I never ever found out why... someone had to hate me so much when I thought I had been a nice guy all along~~~ For that this wound never stopped bleeding =/ And I pray to god... Pray so hard... for him to hear my inner pain and heal my wounded heart~~~

Trials

For a long time now I have denied that voice inside me because I hated that little guy. I hated that little guy who had such an insignificant existent. So I decided to be someone else so that I could fit in. I was lost for a time... gone through depression, the rain and tears~~ I was hurt inside and struggled to call for help... But I guess I ended up causing much harm to people as much as I harmed myself... =(

But I think I understand now... Understand what it all meant. What all these trials actually meant... those tears and loneliness...

If it never hurt so bad I would have never knew how much I valued the things that were important to me. I cared so much about everyone, I sort of lost myself. When finally I decided to embrace myself and listen to that little guy, I suddenly realized I was not alone any more. The trials and pain that I had to suffer... they made me stronger and let me learn what are important to me. Without those tears and lonely nights I would not have been prepared to face my true calling.

It might seem quite naive to say this. But I really love everyone so much... And if I could have a heart big enough to cover the world I would be truely blessed. But for now I am satisfied with all that I have. I treasure the bonds that I had made with my friends and also the faith in god that has carried me through this tough time.

But one thing I just want to say. And say it deep down from the depths of my heart... I'm truely grateful for all I have today =)

An Invisible Hand

Yesterday I finally made that decision to change myself. To become a better person and to let go of all the sorrow and pain in my heart~ I guess... it was always easy to let go, just that somehow sentiments holds people back. Some times I feel that many many things are actually not essential to our lives. Yet we choose to treasure them because we have feelings. But I soon learn as I would hope any body in the same boat as me will learn... That letting go is sometimes the best option.

I was a stubborn one. Friends advised me, but I refused to budge. I admit that I liked to seek friends to pour out my sorrows. But I actually just want to vent and not to find a solution. For that I express to all those I've vented that I am truely sorrow for raining on your parade =X

All these things I am doing now. To become a changed person. I really don't know where it is all going to. But I know this... that is that I hear a voice telling me that I am doing the right thing. =X

Of late... I feel more assured of myself. I feel that I am no longer alone as there is someone constantly watching over me and telling me the right thing to do. I have faith in my heart to listen to that voice. Be it my own thoughts finally surfacing to my ears or holy spirits guiding me toward the light. But whatever the case... I'm really grateful to a friend of mine who helped me find this new path. Thank god... I'm really grateful~

One Note Out

Up to this point I really don't know what to believe anymore. Even if it is not true... Even if reasonable doubt existed I must admit that both sides have offered me solace from the turmoil taking place in my heart and mind. In truth I just want to be a better person to everyone... I don't want to be a burden anymore, and neither do I want to hate myself so badly...

I want to make friends with myself before I start to love and befriend others... Because as a friend told me that I am so insecure about myself that it is taking a toll on how I handle all my friendships and relationships with people. And I really can't help but admit that's true =(

So as I find spiritual support from religion, I am going to strike out a journey on my own to learn to love myself again. I want to change myself too and come back again a changed guy. So much so that people will like the new me.

I wish a time away from people so that I may start to heal the wounds inside. Religion will be my friend in this time alone. So that I can rediscover my own good traits and make peace with my feelings. I have an extremely deep sense of feeling that can be used well if channeled correctly. But I need to learn to control it first... So...

Goodbye everyone~~~ I'm going on a vacation~~~

To Whom This May Concern

Dear XXX,

What happened exactly? I've been trying very hard to establish contact again but somehow you have not been responding at all... Did I do something wrong? I feel like I've been doing CPR non-stop on a dead person and it's starting to tire me and make me seriously wonder what I actually did to make you want to avoid me and shun this much...

It would seem like the logical thing to do to just stop trying right? I also told myself the same thing every time I sent out an SMS hoping to get a reply... But only to be disappointed when I received nothing...

It's quite stupid really... I mean I see myself trying so badly to get to someone who probably left. But I can't help it at all... Would knowing why stop all this? And somehow deep inside I sort of feel that the answer wouldn't be a pleasant one... But ah hahaha... I refused to give up.

Will you tell me some painful words so that I'll stop trying? I'm too stubborn to see I guess? Too stubborn to see that I've in fact been trying to hold on to something non-existent. I mean seriously who holds on so hard to friendships? People would probably understand if I were talking about a r/s. But sadly it isn't...

Have I really grown up? Or am I still behaving like a kid?

You tell me... ... =/

Underneath The Purple Hues

Still thinking about a lot of lingering issues... Though I think the emotional tidal wave has subsided, I'm reflecting and pondering over the aftermath. I've forgotten about a lot of people apparently. Those flashes of people I used to play with when I was in kindergarten and in primary school. I could only vaguely remember the smiles and the fun we used to have. But ask me to name those figures in the distant memory, I seem to have forgotten some of them~~

For a time now... since the day I was reborn I had wanted to please people very much. I tried to be really nice to everyone and lowered my guard for all. I would say it was obvious I was sincere in all my approaches to people. I mean people can feel this and people sure can tell when people are just plain earnest in their intentions to be friendly and nice. But then...

I guess this world has gone to a stage where being too nice is suspicious and weird. Was it my fault? It wasn't. Neither was it anyone else's.

There wasn't any problem to begin with. I had no problem at all. So why the long face and the bitter days that just scudded? It was that I had a lot of negative thoughts and ideas all bottled up and then I could find no one to let it all out. It was also because I really felt lonely for a time =/ I really did... ... Because I suddenly feel really really alone when I wished I had the warmth of a group of good friends...

But I had a decent talk with someone and I felt better... ... Again... there was no problem at all... it's just about accepting. Accepting a fact of life that sooner or later when I grow older I am bound to accept. Perhaps when I cross over to the next stage in life... I will learn to value something different from what I value most now. But then no one would ever know what lies ahead...

So I wrote this post as the Sun went down. I saw beside me the skyline outside my window... A most beautiful magenta cloud lining the HDB flats... Where the red sun sunk into the blue sky. And a beautiful spectrum of purple hues~~~

I wonder... ...

Why?

It is the most common question that we ask people, ask ourselves and ask god when things happen that we don't understand/comprehend/accept... I wonder if knowing the answer really means anything to us. Will knowing why ever ease the pain, turn back time or rectify a fault? Yet somehow it comes from within us that we have to find out the answer some way or another.

But often we would have noticed... when we ask the golden question we end up asking more 'whys' and it goes on and on and on until we give up on the search for the final answer when the pain-eternal-is too dire to bear.

But I had to keep probing further and further... with each step creating more and more distance. It ends up an interrogation for the ones as pure as the driven snow~~~

Is knowing why things happen really that important? Why is it I rationalize and feel that it really isn't that meaningful, yet, I have this urge to discover the 'truth'- provided there is a truth to it all =X

I wish I could do what my mind says. To not care about it all... The question wouldn't have existed if I never thought that way. Just shut one's eyes tight and move forward. And soon I'll find the perilous path ahead a breeze... isn't that it? T.T

T.T

Lone Shell

Lone shell on the sandy beach... Are you a home for me? From you I hear the ocean... The waves crushing against the beach~ Buried beneath the sand you get drenched by the tides and uncovered by the waves. Soaking in both moonlight and sunlight.

Once a living being, your life has gone... Leaving behind an empty vessel which stands for evidence of a past life you once led... In days to come... you may yet become a second home for a wandering hermit crawling on the sand. But until then you will continue to hum the tune of the sea; smell the sting of the salty sea breeze; drenched by rain and dried by sun...

Did I leave something behind where I had gone... A legacy that I was once there. Not the material ones like plaques or trophies. But a subtler... gentler-- but never the less important: A footprint in one's heart...

I'm a hermit seeking shelter from place to place. Never knowing when the next storm will hit. I look for empty vessels from where I can vent myself and voice out my fears and worries. But as I tread along from one vessel to another... ... I wondered if one day I could give up the life of a hermit to settle in at last~~

Foot Steps In The Sands of Time

Turn an hour glass over and you'll realize that time just ebbs away... With every grain of sand- A distant shard of memory... And no matter how hard you try to slow things down... You'll realize that time waits for no one. How frustrating it is when the sand just slips through all the tiny holes in your fingers and when you look back at yourself from now, you're practically left empty-handed...

Where does the future lead to? I really dun know... Does anyone, really? =S

And with every step we make-one step at a time-I cannot help but question if that one tiny step was the right one. Did I miss something? Something which would one day be important to me... But I have forgotten to treasure.

At the end of the day... when I am about to sleep... Things just flash pass my mind. Some are memories; others nightmares of a future I will try my best not to create. But if there was just one day I could take a vacation- A vacation to run away from the one person I really want to avoid for awhile-- myself.... It would be really nice... =X

I'm just a human... Not even a perfect human. Just one stumbling along the path that leads to a common mystery. I have limits, and god will have me acknowledge them.

Does one honest voice speak louder than a crowd? ~~~

I wonder where this goes? ~~~~~~~