Threshold

I feel incredibly down... and yet I feel I should not bother those who care anymore because they probably are sick and tired of the same topic again and again. It hurts so bad when I have to see things happen before my eyes and I truely feel the intense heartache... yet I have to pretend that I am oblivious when it's so bloody obvious that the people who know my problems can empathize the whirlpools that spiral about in my heart. I want to cry for days... I really did feel like this exploding balloon... Because I gathered my observations over a period of time... People say I am paranoid that I think too much. I believed them up to a point when I finally told them of the things that I observe and feel and finally people are beginning to see things that they previously missed. Beginning to understand the issues that I raised... Perhaps I am still a tad paranoid but it is so obvious now that changes are there... And I held my tears for a long long time and they never came. And when they came I decided not to bother anyone in camp anymore because I dun want to be a chore... Yet in my heart I wished really hard that my good friends outside of camp was with me. I dun want to explain what happened at all... I dun really want a solution because things are probably my own fault... All I want is to cry and hope my friends understand and empathize how I feel... How upset I am... The threshold that never came... I am so gay... probably people who think that way and I think so too... I am a noob at the guy's friendship thing and I try to be a good friend as the only way I know of expressing. Things go wrong and I scud frantically to find the answer... ... Yet at the end of it all I know... Sooner or later things will have to end... Because... I feel no longer any care or concern... When I feel friendship from others... and I dun even know what hit me... Like a durian fell out of the sky and hit me on the head...

Paranoia?

This morning I woke up expecting again... It came in a way quite expected though I never really thought how I would react to it. During that night of silence from it all I really took the effort to think through about everything that had happened or might have happened and would have happened. And somehow I tell myself... perhaps things are changing now for a reason. I question if I am paranoid... perhaps I focus too much on the subtle details that I have led myself to this state where every single thing seems like a change to me. But I dun think so... I really thought through and I dun think so... I think things are indeed changing... for the better or for the worst I am not sure =X But whenever I feel that change I get worried and I hold on even more tighter. Yet at the same time ironically... the tighter I hold the more I fear that he will find it all to pressurizing... I feel like going up to him and telling him what I feel. But I know that will scare him off far far away... So I have no choice but to keep it to myself... =///

Is Wondering

I exploded all my feelings at someone unexpected today. Perhaps it really takes a capricorn to understand another capricorn, because I really never expected him to understand so much and not judge me. Perhaps I should have chosen him from the very beginning... But I guess the gods have a keen sense of humour.

I made known my displeasure to my best friend of mine today... For the first time I told him of how his action made me upset. I felt a little worry and regret, but I guess all I can do now is to wait. I can only wait and see what happens... ... even though I've been waiting since forever... I always end up waiting... ... ... ... =X

As The Morning Frost Gathers

And so the depressing night ended with a lighter note... But I woke up this morning and waited... Waited and waited for something with much hope... Only to end up with a disappointment... I think about what other people I've turned to tell me... And I kind of understand everything they said... People say different things but they all make sense in their own ways. I'm not about to decide what happens next and I would like to just stop looking at all the small things that are happening because they are driving me crazy.

And even though I tell myself all these things... I can't help... I can't help feeling helpless again and at the same time sadness engulfs me. I don't want to turn to people to pour out whatever had happened all the time... Because I know full well how they will feel if I keep approaching them for the smallest of things. Yet at the end of the day... My one wish is to tell the subject of it all what I am feeling but I know I can't.

Morning is making way for the hot afternoon. And even though the sun shines even brighter somehow it gets colder here... I justify by saying I waited and it never came... But perhaps the real thing here-as sad as it may be-is I expected too much from something too little... =///

Before Going In

This weekend had been an enjoyable one because I got to spend a lot of quality time with a friend that I really regard as a very good friend. I wonder if he notices how much I appreciate his company... But then again... I dun think he knows but I hope he feels my sincerity that is so bare and burning.

I've had a really good break this weekend. My brain is finally able to focus on what I think is most important and I can finally wake up and go to sleep without worrying about the workload ahead.

I guess... this friend 'problem' is not really a problem. It is just something that is happening. A process... But my own personality and sensitivity compels it to be troubling for me =/// I wonder if I am truely a nice person because I do things for others with a wish that it is appreciated and even reciprocated in it's own way. I smack myself for having expectations, only to realise that I have non. I don't have expectations, but I do wish for things secretly and when wishes dun come true... disappointment follows.

I really dunno... I really dunno if I can maintain a happy self in days to come. But I already made up my mind to be the best friend there is to him, and hopefully he will realise one day how I feel and reciprocate in his own way. But for now... I can only live on telling myself to wait patiently for that day to come... becuz I will be truely truely... happy...

A Breather After The Great Meltdown

My project is finally finished, and when it was over... I felt this giant burden lifted from my shoulders. I reflected when it all ended... I asked myself whether it was a success and I could only say it never lived up to my expectations but it wasn't half bad either. The most important thing I gain from all of this is how much the people around me really matter; because there were so many times when I really thought I wouldn't be able to pull through but there were a group of people helping me and giving me that final push and guidance all the way.

Special thanks to a friend who was not even my course but gave me one of the most needed emotional support when I felt that the sky was going to fall over me. I know I bother you sometimes... and in days to come I suspect that it is going to get even more severe... Even though words are empty... I really do appreciate so much that you are always there to lend me a listening ear and entertain all my talk of the depressing and failures... I wanted to say thanks all the time and say sorry but you say it is not needed... But I say it here because I really do wish you know how much I am grateful for your friendship.

You foretold my downfall in the days to come, and when I learnt of what is to come soon, I agree with you. I am too sensitive to be able to pull through the mpending episode unscathed. I know I will be hurt at all the places where it hurts most and will probably have many nights of sorrow and rain... But I'm sorry I can't stop myself from accepting my heart. And I did tell myself before that... no matter what happens I will continue because... I told myself I will learn from the past and giving is all about the thought and returns are just transitory... I know... =X

Insecurities

Went to pub today for the first time and had alcohol. I never dreamt that the day will come when I decided to take a drink or two... Was it for curiousity? Or maybe because I thought this would help make someone much closer... =X and as I drank and had my heart to heart talk with my friends I realise that my insecurities never disappeared... They merely faded for awhile and then they come back again like before.

I'm sick of insecurities coming back again and again because I believe so much in each moment and then the next moment something changes and I get all paranoid. I wish... I wish with a pure heart that I could read what exactly some people are thinking and feeling because I dun want to be insecure anymore. Yet, I ask myself if I do know how that person feels, whether I would henceforth give up or will I still perservere and try even harder to touch that one untouchable heart.

I dun wanna get hurt =// And I dun want other people to get hurt as well... ... I really really... just wish and hpe you would take me as a best friend too... But maybe I know the answer, just trying to see if maybe I am wrong afterall.. ...

The Long Rain Ends

The night went quite well as I feel rather assured following the receive of a text message. I think it's like what my secondary school friend told me. Whatever comes my way, I'll have to accept it anyhows. Hence, I should just continue on as I am now... never stopping to try and give it my all... Because I wish and also pray that that day will come. That god will reward hardwork and more importantly so will people appreciate sincerity...

Went to temple to pray to dua beh gong and tiger god today. It is their birthday and I prayed to them with as much sincerity as I could for both sides wishes to come true, because if they do, I'll be really happy. I got a qian from the temple which was really really good and I really hope from the bottom of my heart that it really means what I think it means...

I'm hopeful and a little afraid. I wish to tell my fears to someone, but perhaps those fears are more than not necessary... Do feel like sharing them with my bunkmate though... Slightly looking forward to going back to camp but stressed from the workload I forsee for this week. =X

Signs

Sometimes things happen around us when we least expect them. They come to us in many forms, mostly in the most bizarre and inconvenient of times. Sometimes, when things are already hard enough, coincidences have to occur to make the entire episode more dramatic. Connect the dots and create an explanation, or others may call you paranoid for linking all the most radical dots together.

I disagree though, because I think there are no mere coincidences. Things dun just happen like that. Coincidences to me are messages from fate herself, to guide us to what is to come. I mean I am no psychic so I can't possibly see so far ahead... But I wonder you know... I wonder with a curious heart and a paranoid mind what I am to be subjected to. What trial of fire? Or maybe by fire be purged.

On an entirely different issue. I am so vexed by myself. Why am I so insecure as always. Why is it that I question what other people feel about me. I ask myself if I am a really horrible person because me holding that feeling does not dictate that the other have to feel the same. This is selfish and I don't want to be =/ I mean is it wrong to hope? =X Because I hope for that outcome too... And if that is wrong then I am really condemned as a sinner.

I wonder if the other party can feel my sincerity and genuine care. It seems unusual for a guy I know... I can't use the excuse that I am learning I know... So I guess I'll say this is me =X This is what I am; cannot change that part of myself; but maybe hoping to become someone else. I wonder in days to come if I can see more signs of feelings. I wish to be an empath or even telepath, but that is sadly impossible.

Deep down... I wish it were true... But I also know it could all just be a fantasy... But whatever it is... I will retain myself and feel the same no matter what happens. That is what I'll strive to achieve from now onwards. To continue with that much sincerity and genuity until that day comes when it becomes no longer... ... ... ...

All You Need Is Faith

The whole week had been like a rollercoaster inside camp. Having plunged down to the deepest part of hell and then floating back up to the surface. But it is when you are at your most down moment do you find yourself so helpless and also feel so much pity for yourself-A bleeding heart that even after the bleeding stops still is ridden with scars and wounds.

I lost myself =/ I blamed myself =/ I find myself not worthy of people =/ And when I feel like saying things out, I feel the guilt of it all that whether whatever I say will actually affect the mood of the people around me. It's a pain to consider so much, when tears are already welling behind those big eyes... The reservoir just gets bigger and bigger until it bursts out in one big explosion of emotions.

At the end of it all... I mean I feel better. But I also realise that people around me care about whatever happens to me. That even though I'm such a failure and all, people still accept me for my short-comings and for that I am really so touched and glad. Because at night when I feel the chill of loneliness creep up on me, I have someone there to keep me company and talk about nonsense and emo stuff...

For once in my whole course life, I finally feel less lonely... And I really want to thank this new good friend of mine who is always there for me when I need him. He is the best friend I've ever had in my NS life so far. Thanks a lot... I really mean it =)