A Flower Blooms In The Snow

Are the fools in this world leading a better life than us? Sometimes... don't you wish that there were certain things that you can just not know about... Pretending that you do not know is just painful but then to not even have a clue and just carry on living in your own made-up world. Doesn't that sound appealing?

Did we lose happiness at some juncture in life? It is only after we lost it do we suddenly realize how important certain things were. If we could go back in time would we hence do the exact same things and create the exact same outcomes? That would mean we have no regret in life... I wonder if I would do that~~

A flower blooms in the snow. How tenacious is the life of something so beautiful and fragile~ so faint but vibrant in the background of white... 

A Slice Of Rainbow In A City Of Grey

When I was still a very small boy, my parents used to buy me rainbow ice cream. I loved it very much because I enjoyed seeing the beautiful vibrant colours come together in a single delicious icy treat. I called it 'rainbow' flavour then... But now that I grew up I know it was just vanilla cream with tonnes of colouring. My parents would give me rainbow ice cream whenever I was a good boy, and believe me... I was always a good boy =) I cried very little when I was a baby and I always did things by myself, never giving my parents much trouble. When I went to primary school I had the power to buy my own rainbow ice cream. My dad said I shouldn't eat too much of it because it was unhealthy. I should only eat it when I did something good and should be rewarded. But then time went by even further and then we all changed. In my mind I ate rainbow ice cream only when I felt I was good. But what is good? Good then = do what is right and do what you're told. Good now = good-looking, intelligent, good grades, success, thin. And so... I ate less and less of the legendary rainbow ice cream...

When I wanted to eat one. People will comment that I'll get fat or that it's empty calories. That be true. But whenever I see one... it always makes me really happy. I love anything that resembles the rainbow. I made a rainbow cake this year and I really almost teared when that cake was cut opened and I saw the inside. It always gives me hope and it reminded me of something that I left behind somewhere...

What do we do when the sky turns grey and then the clouds start scudding in? Sometimes... we tell ourselves that it will be best to be distracted. just don't think about all the hurt and then after awhile it will go away. We bury ourselves in our work or other ridiculous stuff. Sometimes this need to avoid feeling grief goes deeper. It makes us afraid of being alone... because whenever we are alone... we need to face our true feelings. We yearned for escape from reality.

When we fall down. Do we try again? If we failed and failed even after we tried to get up do we stop? If I stopped... I'll still be facing the floor. So what's the difference between trying and not trying? It's not the end when we fall down... keep trying! because if we don't then we'll always be facing the floor.

Does this mean that we need to grief? Yes... it does. Because if something hurtful happens to us and we don't grief... then we're not human. Things always go deeper than what it seems on the surface. Do we sometimes not feel unhappiness that has no reason? Are we trapped in a cycle of events that seem always to recur? History that repeats... like a curse. It's probably because you never moved on from something; probably because you were hurt very deeply at one time but refused to feel it.

Dig deep and remember... Remember the rainbow ice cream and remember how you threw that away. Remember how the rainbow ice cream got stepped on and then you wanted to cry like a kid but then you told yourself that'll make you weak. Relive that past and feel the pain you ought to have felt...

I yearn to see the rainbow once more. Not from my own... I wish... I had a birthday like no other. One that does not fail... like how the past 4 years have failed... I never did tell anyone at all... not even my family... what I really really really wanted... ... simple but heartfelt... to see that legendary rainbow ice cream again but not because I did something good that deserved a reward. But just because it has the magical power to bring out a smile

Confessions of a Teenage Drama King

"Ordinary life is mundane and dull... may a little drama add a lil zing and of course spice. Different perceptions oxymoronic... Confessions of a teenage drama king read and enlight..."

I remembered why I created this blog in the first place. It only came into existence because I was feeling particularly low during a certain period of time. But I met a special friend. That friend had a blog which I delighted in reading. It inspired me to create my own blog in which I divulged my troubled feelings too. I made it a point to always write in parables so that people reading will not be able to decipher them. Only those who could read between the lines could understand what it all meant.

I never was an honest guy even though I seemed like such a decent person from the outside. I'm a drama king and I exaggerate the truth and manipulate my own recollections to satisfy a drama serial that plays in my head. Oh and I forgot to mention... that special friend in JC who inspired me to start a blog? He left and we 'un-friend-ed' He was my best friend at one time and it was from him I found that I wanted something more to life than academic pursuits and personal glory.

It is a painful story though... one which is better left unsaid. All my blog posts resound with the heartaches and trauma of that past incident though. Having a dream within a dream. One then never wakes up~ Inception much? 

It took me awhile but I got over things. The tears I shed and the time I lost... those however, were perishable and impossible to restore. So I thought things would be okay. I learned a new side of myself that I never knew. But something inside me changed... I didn't know why. I felt insecure about many things and it brought me to dark places I never knew.

Sometimes... I tell things so dramatically I wonder why I do so. Is it because I felt really insecure? I wanted attention so badly just so that the people will find me interesting and hence worthwhile to hang out with. It always felt like I had to prove my worth to the ones around me. It gets tired sometimes... What people would only do to this extent I do it to an incredible extent that would often leave people astounded by how much I'm willing to do for others.

At the end of the day, however, when I have given a lot... I told myself I wouldn't wish for anything in return. But that's not true. Deep inside I felt a deceit that wanted to be filled. 

People needed each other at first. But when one party recovers from the need then the other party  is thrown into an imbalance. Suddenly emotional dependency sets in... and chaos is followed.

Confessions of a teenage drama king: I left something behind in the past... Perhaps this seems the worst of time when the final examinations are impending. Which still hurts me to this day. I can't really concentrate much anyways... When I ask for help... I wonder if you can hear me? Actually I have a lot I wanted to say... but... ... it didn't felt like you would listen or take what I said sincerely =( I lied... about things... to many people. I'm sorry

Brand Name; Price Tag

Is the brand so important? When we purchase our daily items and we buy our clothes and accessories do we keep the brand name as a consideration for our shopaholic splurges? Is a title of goodwill so much more valuable than the durability of that item? Perhaps a good brand name in itself entails that the item will be with a certain standard of quality.

So do we gloat when we have a branded good? Otherwise why bother with buying branded items if only for personalized usage? If I had a fake branded good with the same quality and durability will it matter if it were a real brand or if it were fake?

The title and the price tag... they are important. I wonder why they are... but I could never come to an answer. The brand... ... Is it so important to me?

Of what am I speaking I wonder... haha

Where There Is Everything

We always look to the past. That's what we all do. Because we draw our identities from history and it shapes our minds and our personalities to become who we are today. It is the people we meet as well as the environment that we live in... All those painful heartbreaks and betrayals; All those happy moments which filled our days with endless wonder. But truly truly... there is nothing left for us in the past that we can ever take or grasp.

There is no time machine and there is no lost magic that will enable one to move back in time. What we remember is a photo - A snapshot of a fact that can never be denied; never change. Even as we look back and feel scared about certain things that we are facing now, because, our mind is such that we presume that history will repeat itself. That is why insecurities exists; that is why doubt exists. We can never point a finger at what gives us certain ideas that we have now. But dig deep and you soon find that they were all with reference from our experiences in life.

Some of us lead a comfortable life while others lead a less happy one. Our collective environment is infinitely varied because of the ways we see things and hence do them. A single choice is made differently among a group of people because we all have different experiences that cause us to see the light/dark of all things differently.

We can never exact our own standards on others. That will be unfair. For what is light to me may be dark to you and vice versa. I have always been a very accommodating and passive person. Always trying to please others and always trying to fit in. 

But I need to tell myself something important and make sure it becomes my mantra:

Dear Pessimistic Mian,

There is absolutely nothing left in the past for you... You can neither touch it anymore nor take from it anymore pain/happiness. But what you can take from is the future. As you stand in the present from where you are. Reach out your hands - don't be afraid - to the path ahead. Because that's where you can actually reach onto something... and change it.

Love,
Optimistic Mian 

Do Give or Not to Give: A Second Chance

Everyone has hope and everyone has disappointments. We all say we are forgiving and we all say we try our best not to be judgmental. But even with so much capacity that we all claim we have... do we have it in our hearts to give people another chance when things go wrong? Perhaps things are unfair to one party that they have to put up with some form of skeleton in the closet of the other, but that's where the power of feelings come in doesn't it?

I believe the strongest power that we all possess is the power of feelings. For verily... Logic fails when feelings overwhelm and actions become directed by powerful feelings that transform into incredible wills of iron and drive of motivation. Do we blame someone when they commit a wrong sometimes more than once? If people try... do we discredit them? Or should we honour their efforts as little as the results may be?

I really don't know what to advice...

But I believe in second chances... because I know one day... as well all know... all humans make mistakes... I know that one day, I will surely make some wrong and desire for the people I care about to grant me the chances and believe in me. So my heart goes out to all those who are truly earnest to repent and give up on their old ways. Let's make a prayer that history never repeats itself...

Breathe...

We all try very hard to adapt to wherever we find ourselves in. A professor in school said that Singaporeans are the most adaptive workers in the World. I wonder how true that is? Is it because of the culture that we were brought up in? I admit that when I was in secondary school and JC, I was one of those people fighting to be the top shark in the sea. But after I came to university, my perspective changed. More precisely my priorities changed... I started to see... slowly... but more clearly... what was truly important to me~

Do we face stress everyday? Probably the greatest stress we ever get is the stress that comes from the people around us. I live in a residential college where my sleeping hours are when the true muggings begin. And I dun mean muggings as in theft and house-breaks. I mean muggings that involve textbooks and caffeine - where the greatest danger is not the loss of valuables but a paper cut and black eye circles.

I wake up every morning and I ask myself what I wanted to do for the day. I thought that my planning was adequate. But seeing the people around me in this mad and frantic rush makes me uneasy. Am I weak because I let the outside world get to me? For truly truly... if I am really so sure of myself then why do I still doubt when the opportunity to doubt arises? 

The long semester is starting to come to an end. All the toils we faced - drama and all. Be it emotional ones or academical ones... All of it is for the last stance against the crazy exam wars. I marked down my dates with destruction and made a silent prayer to myself that whatever comes... I am going to work this shit.

But of all the things that are closing in and the storm that will inevitably be sweeping me off my feet, I take comfort in the fact that I have great friends around me. Truly, truly, they are the light of my life.

 If I were a fish out of water... does it mean that I will surely die? Or can I flop and flop about until a time when I find yet another body of water to reside in. For what I need is air... to breathe... I must always remind myself to breathe...

For what once was lost... I now want to treasure... not caring what the future holds... Just that my control over myself and a hope never dying... that will always be sufficing...

The City of Days Filled With Endless Wonders...

We lose hope sometimes when the World gets to us... We sleep in the night wishing dawn would come once the dusk had descended. As we live in a city of insecurities that are left unsaid. People come and people go. Sometimes... we pause for a moment to admire the people around us while other times we choose to run steadfast ahead of others and holler for them to come to us. But even as we lead a life of self-fulfilling prophecies; even as we cry our hearts out under our blankets over the pains and wounds that slather our souls... Is there hope left in this place?

I see a glittering rainbow that ascends above an ancient city. I see that image in my mind so clearly and it gives so much hope of things that I now hold on to and for the things that have yet to come. Perhaps... I feel loveless in love city... Perhaps... I feel afraid to take that first step out of my house door just because of a terrible experience... Perhaps... even as much as I try very hard to do certain things my trying seems slow in the eyes of others. But what's most important in life? That's a question I believe we all are so desperately trying to discover along the way.

I experienced a miracle and a revelation and I find myself startled by it all. Suddenly the problems of yesterday seem so small and a reservoir of hope wells and erupts in my heart. I see my days ahead filled with endless wonders. There are so many so many things I want to do now... But most importantly, I want to tell my story to everyone. I want to share an amazing story of coincidences and an amazing story of miracles. I tell you people... I tell you people... GOD EXISTS!!! He really does... OMG he EXISTS!!!

I know what I want to paint for the visual art festival already... The title: 'Hope Above An Ancient History'... Inspiration:

Do we feel that history is a curse that always repeats itself. We try half of our lives and for others even more to ensure that the hurts that haunt us never comes back to find us. In our mundane lives do we sometimes question our raison e etre and comment that life's unfair? Because truly I tell you... I see a glittering rainbow above an ancient city of silence. True hope never dies... 

Pendulum: Back and Forth It Goes

Do you remember a time when you loved the swing? I think everyone loved swings like these when they were very young. I remembered a time when I was still in kindergarten and still living in my old home. I'll always beg my elder sister to go to the playground to play the swings with me. We'll compete with each other for who could swing the highest and compete who can go back and forth the fastest. In those days... swinging faster and faster to us was like an aircraft taking off... What a wonderful feeling it was then... ...

I woke up from a dying night on Friday morning. I felt horrible and sick - burdened by a horrible headache. I recalled a time when I was in NS then... It was field camp. We all had to learn how to dig shell scrapes then. I dug mine pretty fast and when i was done, I helped all those people around me who were struggling to make theirs so that we could all relax together. They thanked me and I felt appreciated. But I remembered that on the last day of field camp when we had to bury back our shell scrapes, I had a fever. I dared not sound it off because if I reported sick then I would have to re-take the entire field camp. My section knew that I was ill, and they kept the secret from our SGTs. But it was getting late, and I was burying back my shell scrape feeling dizzy and literally dying. The friends I helped back then were done and having dinner. They saw how I was still trying so hard to bury back the shell scrape by myself, but they did not lift a finger... but only told me: Don't push yourself, rest first then continue...

I felt appalled and disappointed. I slept that night with tears in my eyes as I recalled a time when my mum would be there for me to take care of me when I had a fever. At that point in time, I starred up into the night sky and told myself there and then that I could rely only on myself and my family. I helped those people because they were something to me... But when I really needed them the most... I didn't seem as important. I did not blame them of course... It was a lesson learned: That when you give... you can never expect return. It just not the way things work with people...

I've been in a swing all this few months... swinging first forward and then backward. Someone asked me what I wanted to get out of the 4 years of my uni life. I thought for awhile... and I said this: I want to find direction.

All my years I have trudged through life. I had a direction since I was in primary school to go to NUS one day and I did so. But when I came to NUS I quickly discovered that I cannot see anything beyond where I am standing now. What do I wish the 4 years in NUS will give me? I wanted to find what was important to me... I wanted to get a direction to follow for the next 10-20 years of my life. A degree is transitory but the experience is worth an infinity lives. 

I have happiness all around me; I have so many people that care about me and appreciate me. I took a long time to recover from a fall... But I think I'm going to start walking from now on. I can't run though... It's still sore where the wound is. But I'm going to start limping if I must. 

I am truly most happy when I can make others happy. Because seeing that smile on your face... means a lot to me. For that smile in itself will make me smile even more...

Perhaps... in another place and another time... things will turn out differently. But in this time now... there's nothing I can ever do to change anything. So I yield... ... I will always cherish though and hold dearly fond memories. I'll still always be there if you ever need me... that's a promise...

When the cold wind blows

I wonder what is wrong seriously... why is it that I am not the least worried about what is to come. I see the people around me panicking and feeling anxious about the upcoming tasks that we would have to perform but inside me it still remains hollow. I feel nothing and I am apathetic toward it all. Did I miss something? Did U not realize something important yet?

So all the people around me danced to a different rhythm from what I was dancing to. I felt rather alone that I had to do things by myself. But it was normal I guess... It always has been like this... and it always will be... When I tried to ask though... people were busy with stuffs. I couldn't do anything but say okay... but deep inside I heard a long sigh~~

Am I doing things right? In asking myself questions against a checklist to prevent myself from over-reacting again... I chanced upon a question I had in mind... if it still felt the same? or had I been mistaken and living a lie~ 

Great Tree Arc

From the roots it rises from the ground like a unshakable pillar of strength. A tower above all other plant life and a magnificent sight to behold. Clothed in luscious greenery of mother nature it soothes the hearts and the minds of the many. It endures forever... summer, autumn, winter then spring. Leaves come and leaves fall... Like the meteorite showers across the serene night skies of navy blue. Make a wish would we? As we lay below the huge crown that shelters us from the glaring sun and gentle orange leaves come raining upon our heads as soft as a mother's touch as would on a child.

On this ground we grow our roots; from this air we all breathe from; from the water that falls from the sky like manna from heaven on a desert land... Great tree arc... what am I?