The Rise After The Fall

I only come to realize that my emotions are now more or less contained after the furious storm that just scudded through. The wake of the onslaught left behind a trail of destruction which I am quite sure will leave scars behind; however time moves on and it is already quite obvious that the healing process has begun. I read this article online during the weekend when I was randomly googling some stuff and it made me understand a few things about people recovering from a traumatic experience.

I learnt that one should not try to hasten the recovery process. By forcing one to 'move on' will only cause one to suppress a lot of emotions. In other words, the person will be deprived from certain feelings that are only necessary to be what it means to be human and becoming stronger afterward. No one ever rushed people to move on, because the truth as it is is that everybody has been there and done that and KNOWS that someone badly injured cannot just wake up the next day like the world is rainbow and sunshine.

To put on a facade will be detrimental. The best way is to actually find a few good friends that you trust and can confide in to share about the feelings that you are supposed to feel, because by expressing it you yourself is facing up to reality instead of avoiding the issue altogether. To confess to something unpleasant takes courage to do so. It takes courage to admit to people who you are and how you exactly feel.

I admit that nowadays... Even though feelings have more or less subsided... ... Sometimes fantasies still cross my mind and honestly that sucks to the very core. What he does I still am interested to know which I sometimes also ask myself who exactly he is to me? I mean why do I even care when I don't even really care about what other people do. Yet, if time were to reverse I also ask myself if I would try this whole friendship again knowing how things would have went and prevented it. The answer to myself was... I don't think it would have worked anyways and I don't think I would want to be good friends with him anymore then as it is now... because the hurt dished out is something I don't think I can handle again... Just as it is now... I wish we never rubbed shoulders to begin with... ... =/// I care...

A Praise To The Deaf and The Blind

I told myself over the long rest period- the refractory period which I swore to rediscover myself and to hence pick myself up and strode ahead. The weekend was full of fun. I met up with great friends and they listened to what I had to say... It really didn't matter what their advices were- whether it was sagely or just around the bush. It was the fact that they cared to listen and showed they cared. That made me feel comforted that somewhere outside this camp I still have good friends to live for.

Yet when I came in... It suddenly became harder by ten fold. Took a few long and cleansing breaths before I even dared to step out of the door into the fourth storey level. I realise as I walk pass the doors my ears were deliberately straining to listen out for the voice and my heart was occupied with how I were to react if I do see him or the rest. I thought I was doing fine... and I told a good friend my mine that I won't talk about this any more. Whatever I feel I will keep it to myself and write it all down here where only I can see and I understand.

Truth as it is... Just now when I was walking down that long corridor and bypassed that faithful room I heard his voice. It hurts me to know that whatever dramatic clauses that I made were in fact true. All that drama which I thought were made for effect were ever so true. All the more my decision should stand... My painful decision or maybe it was just necessary... to fade away from a group of friends I once saw as a clique because I know full well that no good will come of it... You see... two warring worlds can never collide. Just like 2 like poles of a magnet can never be forced together. One of them would have to give way and be repelled off. I chose to leave because... If I didn't then that clique would forever be trapped in awkwardness and miss everything they were supposed to be doing...

Who am I? Who am I to ask them to choose between me and him when I already know what the answer would be. =/ So I choose to leave first before that verdict is passed and I end up with even more agony and pain. I glance upon their happiness together... A world where I don't exist and that it should be if I just died in a car accident. They really look happy together. I'm the intruder. I'm not able to give what they need. I can't make them happy like he can. And more importantly I'm nothing but trouble.

That is why no matter how hard the going gets... I can't turn back. I need to tell myself that and make sure I drill it in... I need to drill this in... Feel sad about it? definitely. But no one gives a damn except yourself so suck it up a little and take it all in. I'm not sure... what will happen in days to come, whether bottling up too much sorrow behind the facade would give catastrophic effects. The one thing I know now...

I lost a friend I considered the best... I tried to mend the cracks... Only to discover that cracks are like scars on the face... I wept a river of tears that led me to a bunch of good friends... Time goes on... he and the good friends get along... Shadows long I hid in and confided... Alas I decided to fade with the shadows... With a bitter taste... But a smiley face... My heart bleeds on...