The Warmest Hug

I hugged my bolster and my teddy bear on my room. I felt so tired and felt so drained... But even when the lights are off and the Sun had set and I lied on my quiet room on my nice and familiar bed. I hug my bolster and my teddy ever more strongly and breathing deeply into them ever more deeply. I closed my eyes and darkness glazed everything around me. But my touch was still there and the warmth of the covers of my bed and the things in my arms. I felt safe from everything out there...

Wishing for just a moment that I could just close my eyes like this forever. In this warm embrace that I give with all my heart... Never needing to open them again~

I love you teddy bear... ... even though you cannot talk but always bear mute witness to all the things I did and all the changes I made to myself. I could always hug you even when I'm feeling down. My tears stream down... But when I open them you'll always be still smiling... ... 

Lies in the night

I always wanted to be better than others, because I always wanted to feel like belonging. I wanted to be with people who will let me stay through the cold winters and accompany to have fun during the hot summers. I wanted to be good enough for people because people flock towards the beautiful people and the talented people. I feel forgotten sometimes, but can you hear me when I just talk like any other day? Deep inside I wish people would read between the lines and hear what I had to say. I wished people had telepathy so that I need not say anything to convey the feelings in my heart and the thoughts on my mind. It gets very tiring to talk about it really... Sometimes it's not that I don't want to just unleash everything and feel less bottled-up. Most of the time I just feel too tired to say it...

I can imagine though, how the people around me will feel: Constantly seeing that I get hurt over and over again. People get tired too and well emo sort of becomes my sort of thing. I find it hard to believe if I were in other peoples' shoes that I can ever be salvaged from the pits of despair. Who can always have hope for someone with a 'habit' that never seems to die? To be honest... I myself cannot guarantee that I can even be saved too. But if anyone I know is even reading this... I assure you that the 'habitual' idea is not true =( How should I say it? Getting stabbed with a knife once or twice or thrice is just as painful and dangerous each time. So... each time when you guys see me sad and hurt please don't say I'm like that and used to it. Because it really hurts a lot each time =(

I stand at a crossroad where I have to decide what is the most important thing to me. There is just too much chatter and noise in my head... I can never concentrate on any particular task or stayed interested in any particular thing. To all the people I disappointed... I'm so sorry... ... I've been so sorry for three years now... and now coming to the fourth. Words are empty and probably seem like a lie to cover up a night of sinful pleasures but if you believe me... I say: I'm really really sincerely from the bottom of my heart sorry...

Can anyone hear me when I cry for help in a subtle way? If I had a wish or a prayer it will always be that: I don't want people to give up on me... ... my heart is wrenching...

A Tale Of A Pair Of Twins: The Sun and the Moon

There was a ill-fated widow who lived all alone. Her husband died a few months after she got pregnant and the widow did not have any family support since she eloped with the man of his dreams without the support of his family. She was pregnant with child and had to work jobs from morning till night just to support herself. People talked behind her back saying how she must have had some bastard filled inside her womb. She kept all her resentment and ill fate all to herself. She tried to work as much as she could with a bright vision in her mind of a future where she and her child will lead a happy life. Her tummy grew bigger and bigger by the day. Before long, she was 9 months pregnant and almost ready for delivery.

However, fate is a cruel mistress as she soon experienced. One silent night as she was coming home from work and cutting through a nearby park she encountered a ruthless rapist. Despite her big tummy the rapist still attacked her and brought himself on her in her present condition. She shouted and cried for help and struggled with all her might. Tears cascaded down her cheeks and she hollered till she no longer found any more voice to do so. The rapist left after he got his satisfaction and left her under a huge Tembusu tree somewhere in a deserted part of the park to die. The widow was left in a terrible state. Her clothes were dirty and ripped and her water broke. Her vagina was teared wide open and bled from the assault by the rapist. In her last moments she cried to the high heavens for their pity and what her life could have been. So earnest was a plea and so heart-wrenching was her story that the star-lit skies took pity on her.

The stars fell like streaks of silver streamers and left the night sky a deep dark void. The night was silent as all of nature mourned, including the tembusu tree which shed its leaves like the first snow of a white Christmas day. The Sun and the Moon took pity on the widow in her dying moments. Together, the Sun the the Moon gave a part of their cosmic powers to her. The essence of the moon and the sun came down from the high heavens like a river of stars and filled the woman's womb. The widow's wounds healed and her clothes were magically cleaned and tidied. The widow drew a second breath and suddenly felt alive again. However, as the essence of the Sun and the Moon streamed into her womb she saw for an instant a vision of the future... In it she saw the fate of her child which were in fact a pair of 'gifted' twins: One will be named lunar, who had skin as pale as ivory and hair as white as snow like the luminous moon. Through her eyes she saw only the history of all things she touched. The other will be named Stellar, who embodied the vibrancy of the sun and the passion of dreams unfulfilled. Through her eyes she saw the future and potential that radiated from all things she touched.

The widow eventually gained enough strength and brought herself to a hospital where she successfully gave birth to Stellar and Lunar. Having lost everything that she had she saw no love in her children. Whenever she saw them she only got reminded of her unsupportive family, dead husband and her vicious rapist. Her blood turned cold and she treated the twins badly. She lied to the twins since they were young that they were actually a pair of abandoned infants that she took pity on because she saw them lying in a dumpster  She treated them like objects and used their uncanny abilities to make an incredible fortune. She brought them up in an environment of fear and taught them that they were unwanted things that would not have existed without her. Lunar and Stellar hence learned to respect her out of fear that they would lose the only person who 'loved' them. The widow was always very careful, however, and kept the twins some distance away from her in case they saw into her past and future and learn the truth of the entire fictitious story that she fabricated.

The twins and the widow lived like that for 20 years. The widow's health however dwindled with time and she found herself in her deathbed in a hospital all alone on a starless night. She told herself in her dying moments: "this must be karma for all the things that I had done. I will die alone with my shame and my dreams. the world will not miss me because I am worthless and no one cares about me". However, just as she was about to close her eyes and embrace her rest her daughters Lunar and Stellar came into the room. They each went to one side of her bed and held her hand firmly yet delicately. By this time, the widow was too weak to resist and she knew that her daughters will hence learn the truth. She mustered her strength and opened her mouth. She said: "Lunar, I guess you see my history of the hard life that I led and the hard life that I hence made you live. You see the suffering of my life and the truth of your origins and hence the fact that you are the flesh and blood of this heartless hag you now hold with your hand. Stellar, with your ability to see the future will see my untended grave in an abandoned cemetery where I will be forever forgotten. I hope it gives you satisfaction that I get my karma."

There was silence for a few minutes and the air was still. The winds stopped and a flurry of clouds scudded passed the luminous moon in the night sky.  Lunar's skin glowed like the moon in the darkness and she was the first to open her mouth. Pearl-like glowing droplets fell from her eyes and she spoke close to the widow's ear: "I have indeed seen your history mother and knew from the moment I was born that you were our mother. The heavens saw your plight and gave us to you in hopes of purging the darkness that dwells in your heart and mind. But when the essence of the Sun and Moon (the glorious river of light) filled your body you threw away the love inside you and gave up on yourself. I am the moon mother... I am the moon that is hidden but only visible because of the love you threw away and got reflected from me back to you... I love you mother..."

Stellar's golden hair shined like the Sun in the dark room and she grabbed her mother's hand even firmer. In a shaky voice of sadness she said: "I am the Sun that was meant to be your dreams unfulfilled. I was to be the daughter that accomplished everything you wished you had completed and hence complete your fairy tale for you. I have seen your future and knew when we were born that you would treat us so harshly. However, I also saw in the future that one day you will come to call us your own flesh and blood. So I stayed silent and loved you so that I could see that day come... I am the hope and dreams you abandoned when you were left to die under that Tembusu tree. I love you mother..."

The widow was stunned and she could find no words to express... Only tears and murmurs that could not be understood. Love filled her heart once again and she regretted the live that would have been. She looked to the window and prayed in her heart for a last miracle and the Heavens having seen the scene was moved. The essence of the Sun and the Moon that was in her daughters flew into the widow's body and she was suddenly filled with a beautiful vision:

She saw a beautiful home where she spent her life with Lunar and Stellar. How she loved them and how they showed her the happiness that she always wanted. She saw also a tombstone of herself in a beautiful garden of roses where her daughters and grand children gathered to mourn her death... For in that instant the ability to see the past and future converged to see the present of what should have been. The present that the heavens wanted her to have on the day she died the first time in that lonely park and plead for mercy from the heavens...

She learned a lesson that day... as she laid to her rest in her final moments with a beautiful smile from the vision filled with love and hope: Respect never comes from fear and insecurity.

True respect comes from love as did her children loved her so much that they respected her even when they already knew their mother before they were born and the life they will make them go through.

All human beings... yearn to be, belong, become, beget and believe. that is what makes us all beings in this world. Sometimes... we want to be treated as a living thing, belong to a group of people we love, become someone we aspire to me, beget kindness and believe in ourselves and the future. But more often than not we are driven my fear that makes us do scary things. Sometimes... somethings in life we value so much that we are afraid of losing...

And that's the reason why we sometimes choose not to do/ do somethings simply because that thing is so important that we don't want to risk losing it. (A wise friend told me this)

The value of a unit of infinite

Someone asked me today what I wanted for Christmas; what I wanted for my birthday too... I thought for quite some time before I replied. But it dawned on me that I didn't want anything that money could buy... No... I wanted things that no amount of riches and no quantity of precious gemstones could possibly surmount to. It made me realize though... that my answer would not be the cliched answer of: love. But rather... I wished for time. A single unit of happiness that is captured in our photographs and our most vivid memories. I wished for time spent with those that we care about and those that are and were dear to us. For truly... it became crystal clear to me that a single second could open up so many possibilities that branch out into multiple parallel universes of infinite potential - omnipotent... Now that is truly... the most valuable thing that anyone could ever hope and wish for... It is to spend your time doing what you wanted - with friends, with families, with the people that matter...

Hello! Stranger...

It has been raining everyday. Doesn't take a psychic to tell that tomorrow will be the same. It always happens in the early afternoon when menacing dark clouds just start to gather at the edge of the sky and sooner than you know it they are over your head and a curtain of rain drops just come cascading down. I enjoyed a nice warm cup of green tea while sitting near the window today - soaking up the melancholy of the atmosphere or perhaps just awestruck at the power of mother nature. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes hardly seem so distant as when you peer out of your small window to gaze upon the infinite skies of grey. It made me realize how dense the storm clouds must have been to have completely obscured my view of the blue skies beyond the great mass of grey. It reflected how little I saw ahead of me in life... and how scared I was...

When it rained at night... I would always run to hide in my parents room when I was very young. I enjoyed my share of horror stories and flicks and hence my imagination ran wild whenever the recipes for a horror movie came around. When it thundered when tonight... I find myself reminded of my past fears and I grip my blanket which was already half-covering my face with an even stronger grasp and a shakiness that stemmed from a reminder of the haunting of the past~

When I was in primary school... I fore-saw a bright future ahead of me. I saw me and my friends going to the same secondary school and then going to the same Junior college. I saw myself being the top in each school and then going to OCS where the honour will be sealed. I followed this chart I made for myself and reached all the goals and targets that I set. I thought that life was successful then. But little did I realize how wrong and how short-sighted I were. I stand before a mirror right now... and I asked myself where I am headed. But truly... I do not know...

I can't see the road anymore. I remembered a time in secondary school when my class went on a nature hike in Macritchie Reservoir: We all had a great time initially. But then the storm came in. We ran desperately to find shelter but the heavy cloak of rain had already came down on us. This girl held my hand very tightly... and said to me: "I can't see...". She was wearing spectacles and the rain was so heavy that it had prevented her from seeing ahead. I simply told her to trust me and hold on to my hand. At that moment I felt how much she was shaky and scared. It made me realize how scary it was... to not know where you were going especially when... there are storms in your life...

What's the use of having premonitions? Do away with tarot cards and crystal sets and other forms of divination. All I wanted to see was a vision of the future of what life will be. Yet with all the prophetic powers I claim to have and I can see no farther than the four walls of my room. What then do you do when you feel lost and alone? I remembered the girl back then and how she grabbed onto me. We grew up over night though... As cliche as that line had probably been used in countless dramas and movies. I like to call it metamorphosis. Sometimes... all it takes is some cataclysmic event in your life and you wake up the next morning feeling like someone else.

I am not proud to say this but I used to be a mean and violent boy. I used to resort to violence to manipulate the people around me. I used to hit my mum when she didn't give me what I wanted. I used to whine and cry to make a show just so as to get certain things from my parents. That of course led to my dad using his favorite belt... and OUCH that was painful. But the point is... one day... I just changed. One day I just woke up and became and obedient and quiet boy. No one knew why... even I myself didn't know too. My studies suddenly skyrocketed and people started praising me for having great discipline, patience and kindness... I like to think of it as... metamorphosis.

So how long more before I wake up one fine morning and see the whole world differently? Is this life of mine filled with stages that with each passing turn brings more surprises and delights installed for me? Be patient and remember to always consult your brain and not your heart... because sometimes an emotional fervor can overwhelm even the most logical of constructs. Something I constantly need to remind myself.

What does it feel like to be unwanted? To be honest I feel lonely almost all the time. It just doesn't seem natural. There must be something fundamentally wrong. There is a gaping black hole of insecurity buried deep inside me that feasts on my life itself. I felt like talking to people all about it. But then I just stopped... closed my eyes... and listened for a moment. I realized I wanted to talk to myself and ask myself where I was going and what I was thinking and feeling.

I feel so lost in this city... I feel so lost in my thoughts. A lot of things are uncertain while those that I am certain of make me uncertain of other things. But I know something full well... and I best always remember it: That I can call upon all my memories over the years as teachers of the present but that in every situation and every window of time that even the best teachers from the past can ever have for-saw the future. 

I feel bad that I have been so clingy to people... perhaps I have outlived my welcome. A friend of mine told me not to think that way. But I said with a last bit of saving grace (or perhaps still my excuse for being defensive) that it was never my intention to be a pest. I only wanted to try to be good... ... can that be wrong too? =(

A Vacation In a Dream

Recently there's just so many things going on in my head that I can never even be able to pen them all down or be able to verbalize them. Funny thing is I always feel like unloading all those complexities going on in my cranium but then whenever I meet someone I find it impossible to spill it all out. There are so many premature blog entries that I aborted even before I finished my first paragraph... Somehow... even though a storm is brewing in my heart, I stubbornly refuse to unleash it out but keep it contained. 

I went out with an old friend today where we just had a great dinner and nice coffee and talked about life and what became of us since we last met up... This entire holidays had been all about keeping in touch with all those people whom I treasured but failed to do so; forgotten perhaps after layers and layers of cobwebs and dust had covered with the passage of time... But more importantly a time of peace for me to think about a lot of stuff and search for my own voice~ To get to remember who I was and who I've become... finally deciding who I want to be... ...

A lot of us I believe want to go overseas and lead a seemingly carefree and awesome life... I see so many people wanting to go for exchange programmes and having ideas of migrating to some other country. I love vacations too... But it dawned on me that I enjoyed the idea of a vacation more than actually having the vacation itself. A vacation in itself meant leaving all your worries and work behind and starting a fresh life of enjoyment for awhile. Now isn't that splendid? I crave for one such opportunity to release myself from this stressful place filled with hectic people and pressing thoughts to ponder over. But most of all... all the memories that seem to come alive at the simplest things and we can't help playing them back.

I've been having weird dreams that don't make sense. Sometimes... I cannot tell the difference between a premonition and a dream anymore. They confuse me so much...

But I guess the most important thing I learnt this holidays thus far is the importance of taking a back seat and seeing things from a different perspective... I told this old friend of mine this which I came to acknowledge and is slowly digesting...

I guess the secret to life is to acknowledge that we enjoy the idea of something more than we actually enjoy the actual thing. Sometimes... ideas and expectations numb our senses of perception and makes reality a blur. When we become sober, however, it hurts us to know the truth. For instance... we don't want to be in love; we want to be in love in a movie. Because in a movie... effort and hard work always gets appreciated and that everything will be alright. But we all know that's not always the case... We always try to find a solution to everything. That's what we all do. When we meet a problem we solve it like a mathematics question. But then... sometimes... trying to think of a solution when there isn't one is not helping anyone and we'll end up only hurting ourselves when we find ourselves dumb and foolish; weak and useless because of our inability to make things better.

It's hard sometimes to accept things. But I guess... as much as I am trying to learn everyday with a bleeding heart of frigid storms and roaring thunder: The solution to certain things is that there is no solution. Sometimes... doing nothing just makes life better. 

A final note... a picture paints a thousand words... that's the reason why I chose this picture. For within this picture speaks a thousand words of disappointment and regret for a hope and expectation decimated that no words can express which I have come to fear but hold dearly to the heart as what could have been... ... 

The Last Piece On The Shelf

When we go for a crazy discount sale, things just fly off the shelf like hotcakes - Not that hotcakes really sell fast... Just that it is an analogy. But even when things are cheap and things are supposedly identical, it is still in our nature to be picky and to choose the one that is of the best quality among the heap of goods. We compare between X and Y and then choose Y because X has a slight tear or perhaps some discolouration (just a little). At the end of the day... as the tall heap dwindles do we still remember the X that we held in our hands? That much hope each time X is being carried up that it can finally leave this heap and be chosen for not being perfect or better than the others. Yet with each handling his heart dies and gradually drown in a sea of despair from the bitter tears that flow inward...

Don't we get that feeling sometimes? I know I do. I'm not going to bother writing in parables this time round. I'm just going to say it. I feel like my life's a mess. Yes... a mess that is utterly great that the sight of it irritates me. But that doesn't mean I can just lie down and die. No... that way life would have been too easy. So I pick myself up and start clearing the debris and the mess bit by bit. Hoping that with enough time and effort that peace will be restored once again and my eye sight be lucid.

I feel really horrible over what became of that. I felt like you gave up on me even though I didn't really treated you as a very close friend. I don't know why but I feel incredibly disturbed and sad. Yet I could find no words to say anymore... I dare not tell people about this openly... I'm scared that people will just find me annoying if I were forever trapped in some dramatic story of feelings... 

I get really envious of the people around me. I admire their social skills and how easily they are able to blend in with others. It might be self-thought... but sometimes I feel like a dispensable piece of garbage =( I feel rather stupid at the end of the day when I try to organize stuff but people ignore me or turn me down. And when people organize stuff or wanted to go out then I will always be left behind.

It felt like there was a bargain sale and I was being held up and compared from time to time. But in the end I still didn't meet the specifications and so I was thrown back and left behind... Waiting... ... Waiting for... something that never came...

I find it quite ridiculous that I absolutely don't want to share my birth date with others. And yet I complain that people won't remember my birthday when it was myself who was so secretive to begin with. Why is that? I thought for a long time today... I remembered a time when I used to celebrate it with all my closest friends and it made me feel special everytime. But after JC... I had always found myself celebrating it alone (at work or my family). They were the only ones that really cared about me i guess~

I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to divulge it for some reasons. I wanted to test who were my real friends... because I remembered the times when I took so much effort to find out the birthdays of all the people I knew. I remembered them by heart. Even in NS I actually saved the birth dates of all my men in my handphone and made sure to buy nice gifts. Sounds foolish but I wanted people to feel special on their birthdays... And secondly... I wanted to be considerate. Because I know i usually put in quite some effort to plan peoples' birthdays so I didn't want them to waste their time trying hard to reciprocate back the same level. But it's truly an irony...

At the end of the day... I wanted people to know; I didn't want people to know. And every year when that day comes since JC I had cried... just a little. Not trying to be dramatic here. But it's true.

The truth is I keep feeling that nobody would invite me for stuff and nobody would think of me when they want to find someone to hang out and have fun. I'll only come to mind when there is a favor to be sought or when there is something that I can help out with. But who am I to critic on a practical world?

To a certain friend whom I hurt. I'm really sorry... I actually really wanted to what's app a lot of things to ask for forgiveness... But then... it dawned on me that perhaps it is better that you gave up already. Because I don't think I'm a good friend so you're better off not wasting your time and effort for someone like me~

Why is it that... every now and then I always feel like I'm not wanted... 

I hug my dear little teddy bear and asked... 

Fracture

I was watching this movie this afternoon and this particular sentence spoke to me: "Why is it that the chances are so slim but my hopes are higher?"

Don't we all have those moments in life? Don't we all sometimes have so much hope for something that seems so impossible. We try to change ourselves and encourage ourselves that the challenges that we face will drill us to become stronger and better in the future. Sometimes... when we fail we fall face down and just don't feel like getting up. We just feel like resting in the dirt for awhile. When we look up we see a long path ahead and then we question ourselves as to the reason behind walking this path that doesn't seem to end.

What are we most afraid of? I'm afraid that people will tell me that there's nothing wrong with me. Because every time I try so hard to change. But things just don't work out it gives me hope that if I tried harder and tried to change myself even more then things would turn out alright in the end. But what if people tell me that there's nothing wrong with me to begin with? =( It is cruel reality that there is no hope... that there always will be things that cannot be... dreams that cannot be...

You have the bucket of sand that can douse the campfire... A hope that burns... but if need be please... extinguish~

A Flower Blooms In The Snow

Are the fools in this world leading a better life than us? Sometimes... don't you wish that there were certain things that you can just not know about... Pretending that you do not know is just painful but then to not even have a clue and just carry on living in your own made-up world. Doesn't that sound appealing?

Did we lose happiness at some juncture in life? It is only after we lost it do we suddenly realize how important certain things were. If we could go back in time would we hence do the exact same things and create the exact same outcomes? That would mean we have no regret in life... I wonder if I would do that~~

A flower blooms in the snow. How tenacious is the life of something so beautiful and fragile~ so faint but vibrant in the background of white... 

A Slice Of Rainbow In A City Of Grey

When I was still a very small boy, my parents used to buy me rainbow ice cream. I loved it very much because I enjoyed seeing the beautiful vibrant colours come together in a single delicious icy treat. I called it 'rainbow' flavour then... But now that I grew up I know it was just vanilla cream with tonnes of colouring. My parents would give me rainbow ice cream whenever I was a good boy, and believe me... I was always a good boy =) I cried very little when I was a baby and I always did things by myself, never giving my parents much trouble. When I went to primary school I had the power to buy my own rainbow ice cream. My dad said I shouldn't eat too much of it because it was unhealthy. I should only eat it when I did something good and should be rewarded. But then time went by even further and then we all changed. In my mind I ate rainbow ice cream only when I felt I was good. But what is good? Good then = do what is right and do what you're told. Good now = good-looking, intelligent, good grades, success, thin. And so... I ate less and less of the legendary rainbow ice cream...

When I wanted to eat one. People will comment that I'll get fat or that it's empty calories. That be true. But whenever I see one... it always makes me really happy. I love anything that resembles the rainbow. I made a rainbow cake this year and I really almost teared when that cake was cut opened and I saw the inside. It always gives me hope and it reminded me of something that I left behind somewhere...

What do we do when the sky turns grey and then the clouds start scudding in? Sometimes... we tell ourselves that it will be best to be distracted. just don't think about all the hurt and then after awhile it will go away. We bury ourselves in our work or other ridiculous stuff. Sometimes this need to avoid feeling grief goes deeper. It makes us afraid of being alone... because whenever we are alone... we need to face our true feelings. We yearned for escape from reality.

When we fall down. Do we try again? If we failed and failed even after we tried to get up do we stop? If I stopped... I'll still be facing the floor. So what's the difference between trying and not trying? It's not the end when we fall down... keep trying! because if we don't then we'll always be facing the floor.

Does this mean that we need to grief? Yes... it does. Because if something hurtful happens to us and we don't grief... then we're not human. Things always go deeper than what it seems on the surface. Do we sometimes not feel unhappiness that has no reason? Are we trapped in a cycle of events that seem always to recur? History that repeats... like a curse. It's probably because you never moved on from something; probably because you were hurt very deeply at one time but refused to feel it.

Dig deep and remember... Remember the rainbow ice cream and remember how you threw that away. Remember how the rainbow ice cream got stepped on and then you wanted to cry like a kid but then you told yourself that'll make you weak. Relive that past and feel the pain you ought to have felt...

I yearn to see the rainbow once more. Not from my own... I wish... I had a birthday like no other. One that does not fail... like how the past 4 years have failed... I never did tell anyone at all... not even my family... what I really really really wanted... ... simple but heartfelt... to see that legendary rainbow ice cream again but not because I did something good that deserved a reward. But just because it has the magical power to bring out a smile

Confessions of a Teenage Drama King

"Ordinary life is mundane and dull... may a little drama add a lil zing and of course spice. Different perceptions oxymoronic... Confessions of a teenage drama king read and enlight..."

I remembered why I created this blog in the first place. It only came into existence because I was feeling particularly low during a certain period of time. But I met a special friend. That friend had a blog which I delighted in reading. It inspired me to create my own blog in which I divulged my troubled feelings too. I made it a point to always write in parables so that people reading will not be able to decipher them. Only those who could read between the lines could understand what it all meant.

I never was an honest guy even though I seemed like such a decent person from the outside. I'm a drama king and I exaggerate the truth and manipulate my own recollections to satisfy a drama serial that plays in my head. Oh and I forgot to mention... that special friend in JC who inspired me to start a blog? He left and we 'un-friend-ed' He was my best friend at one time and it was from him I found that I wanted something more to life than academic pursuits and personal glory.

It is a painful story though... one which is better left unsaid. All my blog posts resound with the heartaches and trauma of that past incident though. Having a dream within a dream. One then never wakes up~ Inception much? 

It took me awhile but I got over things. The tears I shed and the time I lost... those however, were perishable and impossible to restore. So I thought things would be okay. I learned a new side of myself that I never knew. But something inside me changed... I didn't know why. I felt insecure about many things and it brought me to dark places I never knew.

Sometimes... I tell things so dramatically I wonder why I do so. Is it because I felt really insecure? I wanted attention so badly just so that the people will find me interesting and hence worthwhile to hang out with. It always felt like I had to prove my worth to the ones around me. It gets tired sometimes... What people would only do to this extent I do it to an incredible extent that would often leave people astounded by how much I'm willing to do for others.

At the end of the day, however, when I have given a lot... I told myself I wouldn't wish for anything in return. But that's not true. Deep inside I felt a deceit that wanted to be filled. 

People needed each other at first. But when one party recovers from the need then the other party  is thrown into an imbalance. Suddenly emotional dependency sets in... and chaos is followed.

Confessions of a teenage drama king: I left something behind in the past... Perhaps this seems the worst of time when the final examinations are impending. Which still hurts me to this day. I can't really concentrate much anyways... When I ask for help... I wonder if you can hear me? Actually I have a lot I wanted to say... but... ... it didn't felt like you would listen or take what I said sincerely =( I lied... about things... to many people. I'm sorry

Brand Name; Price Tag

Is the brand so important? When we purchase our daily items and we buy our clothes and accessories do we keep the brand name as a consideration for our shopaholic splurges? Is a title of goodwill so much more valuable than the durability of that item? Perhaps a good brand name in itself entails that the item will be with a certain standard of quality.

So do we gloat when we have a branded good? Otherwise why bother with buying branded items if only for personalized usage? If I had a fake branded good with the same quality and durability will it matter if it were a real brand or if it were fake?

The title and the price tag... they are important. I wonder why they are... but I could never come to an answer. The brand... ... Is it so important to me?

Of what am I speaking I wonder... haha

Where There Is Everything

We always look to the past. That's what we all do. Because we draw our identities from history and it shapes our minds and our personalities to become who we are today. It is the people we meet as well as the environment that we live in... All those painful heartbreaks and betrayals; All those happy moments which filled our days with endless wonder. But truly truly... there is nothing left for us in the past that we can ever take or grasp.

There is no time machine and there is no lost magic that will enable one to move back in time. What we remember is a photo - A snapshot of a fact that can never be denied; never change. Even as we look back and feel scared about certain things that we are facing now, because, our mind is such that we presume that history will repeat itself. That is why insecurities exists; that is why doubt exists. We can never point a finger at what gives us certain ideas that we have now. But dig deep and you soon find that they were all with reference from our experiences in life.

Some of us lead a comfortable life while others lead a less happy one. Our collective environment is infinitely varied because of the ways we see things and hence do them. A single choice is made differently among a group of people because we all have different experiences that cause us to see the light/dark of all things differently.

We can never exact our own standards on others. That will be unfair. For what is light to me may be dark to you and vice versa. I have always been a very accommodating and passive person. Always trying to please others and always trying to fit in. 

But I need to tell myself something important and make sure it becomes my mantra:

Dear Pessimistic Mian,

There is absolutely nothing left in the past for you... You can neither touch it anymore nor take from it anymore pain/happiness. But what you can take from is the future. As you stand in the present from where you are. Reach out your hands - don't be afraid - to the path ahead. Because that's where you can actually reach onto something... and change it.

Love,
Optimistic Mian 

Do Give or Not to Give: A Second Chance

Everyone has hope and everyone has disappointments. We all say we are forgiving and we all say we try our best not to be judgmental. But even with so much capacity that we all claim we have... do we have it in our hearts to give people another chance when things go wrong? Perhaps things are unfair to one party that they have to put up with some form of skeleton in the closet of the other, but that's where the power of feelings come in doesn't it?

I believe the strongest power that we all possess is the power of feelings. For verily... Logic fails when feelings overwhelm and actions become directed by powerful feelings that transform into incredible wills of iron and drive of motivation. Do we blame someone when they commit a wrong sometimes more than once? If people try... do we discredit them? Or should we honour their efforts as little as the results may be?

I really don't know what to advice...

But I believe in second chances... because I know one day... as well all know... all humans make mistakes... I know that one day, I will surely make some wrong and desire for the people I care about to grant me the chances and believe in me. So my heart goes out to all those who are truly earnest to repent and give up on their old ways. Let's make a prayer that history never repeats itself...

Breathe...

We all try very hard to adapt to wherever we find ourselves in. A professor in school said that Singaporeans are the most adaptive workers in the World. I wonder how true that is? Is it because of the culture that we were brought up in? I admit that when I was in secondary school and JC, I was one of those people fighting to be the top shark in the sea. But after I came to university, my perspective changed. More precisely my priorities changed... I started to see... slowly... but more clearly... what was truly important to me~

Do we face stress everyday? Probably the greatest stress we ever get is the stress that comes from the people around us. I live in a residential college where my sleeping hours are when the true muggings begin. And I dun mean muggings as in theft and house-breaks. I mean muggings that involve textbooks and caffeine - where the greatest danger is not the loss of valuables but a paper cut and black eye circles.

I wake up every morning and I ask myself what I wanted to do for the day. I thought that my planning was adequate. But seeing the people around me in this mad and frantic rush makes me uneasy. Am I weak because I let the outside world get to me? For truly truly... if I am really so sure of myself then why do I still doubt when the opportunity to doubt arises? 

The long semester is starting to come to an end. All the toils we faced - drama and all. Be it emotional ones or academical ones... All of it is for the last stance against the crazy exam wars. I marked down my dates with destruction and made a silent prayer to myself that whatever comes... I am going to work this shit.

But of all the things that are closing in and the storm that will inevitably be sweeping me off my feet, I take comfort in the fact that I have great friends around me. Truly, truly, they are the light of my life.

 If I were a fish out of water... does it mean that I will surely die? Or can I flop and flop about until a time when I find yet another body of water to reside in. For what I need is air... to breathe... I must always remind myself to breathe...

For what once was lost... I now want to treasure... not caring what the future holds... Just that my control over myself and a hope never dying... that will always be sufficing...

The City of Days Filled With Endless Wonders...

We lose hope sometimes when the World gets to us... We sleep in the night wishing dawn would come once the dusk had descended. As we live in a city of insecurities that are left unsaid. People come and people go. Sometimes... we pause for a moment to admire the people around us while other times we choose to run steadfast ahead of others and holler for them to come to us. But even as we lead a life of self-fulfilling prophecies; even as we cry our hearts out under our blankets over the pains and wounds that slather our souls... Is there hope left in this place?

I see a glittering rainbow that ascends above an ancient city. I see that image in my mind so clearly and it gives so much hope of things that I now hold on to and for the things that have yet to come. Perhaps... I feel loveless in love city... Perhaps... I feel afraid to take that first step out of my house door just because of a terrible experience... Perhaps... even as much as I try very hard to do certain things my trying seems slow in the eyes of others. But what's most important in life? That's a question I believe we all are so desperately trying to discover along the way.

I experienced a miracle and a revelation and I find myself startled by it all. Suddenly the problems of yesterday seem so small and a reservoir of hope wells and erupts in my heart. I see my days ahead filled with endless wonders. There are so many so many things I want to do now... But most importantly, I want to tell my story to everyone. I want to share an amazing story of coincidences and an amazing story of miracles. I tell you people... I tell you people... GOD EXISTS!!! He really does... OMG he EXISTS!!!

I know what I want to paint for the visual art festival already... The title: 'Hope Above An Ancient History'... Inspiration:

Do we feel that history is a curse that always repeats itself. We try half of our lives and for others even more to ensure that the hurts that haunt us never comes back to find us. In our mundane lives do we sometimes question our raison e etre and comment that life's unfair? Because truly I tell you... I see a glittering rainbow above an ancient city of silence. True hope never dies... 

Pendulum: Back and Forth It Goes

Do you remember a time when you loved the swing? I think everyone loved swings like these when they were very young. I remembered a time when I was still in kindergarten and still living in my old home. I'll always beg my elder sister to go to the playground to play the swings with me. We'll compete with each other for who could swing the highest and compete who can go back and forth the fastest. In those days... swinging faster and faster to us was like an aircraft taking off... What a wonderful feeling it was then... ...

I woke up from a dying night on Friday morning. I felt horrible and sick - burdened by a horrible headache. I recalled a time when I was in NS then... It was field camp. We all had to learn how to dig shell scrapes then. I dug mine pretty fast and when i was done, I helped all those people around me who were struggling to make theirs so that we could all relax together. They thanked me and I felt appreciated. But I remembered that on the last day of field camp when we had to bury back our shell scrapes, I had a fever. I dared not sound it off because if I reported sick then I would have to re-take the entire field camp. My section knew that I was ill, and they kept the secret from our SGTs. But it was getting late, and I was burying back my shell scrape feeling dizzy and literally dying. The friends I helped back then were done and having dinner. They saw how I was still trying so hard to bury back the shell scrape by myself, but they did not lift a finger... but only told me: Don't push yourself, rest first then continue...

I felt appalled and disappointed. I slept that night with tears in my eyes as I recalled a time when my mum would be there for me to take care of me when I had a fever. At that point in time, I starred up into the night sky and told myself there and then that I could rely only on myself and my family. I helped those people because they were something to me... But when I really needed them the most... I didn't seem as important. I did not blame them of course... It was a lesson learned: That when you give... you can never expect return. It just not the way things work with people...

I've been in a swing all this few months... swinging first forward and then backward. Someone asked me what I wanted to get out of the 4 years of my uni life. I thought for awhile... and I said this: I want to find direction.

All my years I have trudged through life. I had a direction since I was in primary school to go to NUS one day and I did so. But when I came to NUS I quickly discovered that I cannot see anything beyond where I am standing now. What do I wish the 4 years in NUS will give me? I wanted to find what was important to me... I wanted to get a direction to follow for the next 10-20 years of my life. A degree is transitory but the experience is worth an infinity lives. 

I have happiness all around me; I have so many people that care about me and appreciate me. I took a long time to recover from a fall... But I think I'm going to start walking from now on. I can't run though... It's still sore where the wound is. But I'm going to start limping if I must. 

I am truly most happy when I can make others happy. Because seeing that smile on your face... means a lot to me. For that smile in itself will make me smile even more...

Perhaps... in another place and another time... things will turn out differently. But in this time now... there's nothing I can ever do to change anything. So I yield... ... I will always cherish though and hold dearly fond memories. I'll still always be there if you ever need me... that's a promise...

When the cold wind blows

I wonder what is wrong seriously... why is it that I am not the least worried about what is to come. I see the people around me panicking and feeling anxious about the upcoming tasks that we would have to perform but inside me it still remains hollow. I feel nothing and I am apathetic toward it all. Did I miss something? Did U not realize something important yet?

So all the people around me danced to a different rhythm from what I was dancing to. I felt rather alone that I had to do things by myself. But it was normal I guess... It always has been like this... and it always will be... When I tried to ask though... people were busy with stuffs. I couldn't do anything but say okay... but deep inside I heard a long sigh~~

Am I doing things right? In asking myself questions against a checklist to prevent myself from over-reacting again... I chanced upon a question I had in mind... if it still felt the same? or had I been mistaken and living a lie~ 

Great Tree Arc

From the roots it rises from the ground like a unshakable pillar of strength. A tower above all other plant life and a magnificent sight to behold. Clothed in luscious greenery of mother nature it soothes the hearts and the minds of the many. It endures forever... summer, autumn, winter then spring. Leaves come and leaves fall... Like the meteorite showers across the serene night skies of navy blue. Make a wish would we? As we lay below the huge crown that shelters us from the glaring sun and gentle orange leaves come raining upon our heads as soft as a mother's touch as would on a child.

On this ground we grow our roots; from this air we all breathe from; from the water that falls from the sky like manna from heaven on a desert land... Great tree arc... what am I?

Permafrost

I'm tormented by horrible dreams in my sleep of scenes in real life... they provide troubled sleep... Even when I decided to go to bed early I am denied safe sanctum...

Is it really better this way? 

I just want to run away... run far far ahead even though I wanted to turn around and head back to where I came from. But I can only watch and see... no matter how much I wish and no matter how much I feel about things. Things will never be changed. 

I made a promise though... still... I remember a line... I remember a time... there was this that had to be said:

":( Don't worry ok? Without rain we would never appreciate the warmth of sunshine. Don't feel under valued. That is who you are and true friends/lovers will love you for who you are. Not what they want you to be. Haha It's ok. I like the rain. It puts things in perspective. Embrace sadness and melancholy. Its is part of life and beautiful in its own strange way. I won't 'un-friend' u k? =D you are awesome in your own way"

drip drip drop...

Life In Canvas: Pastel Shades and Hues

Hold on tight and don't let go... Run and gather the lift and then let it go... Ensure there is sufficient tout in the thread and then pull to increase lift when there is up-wind. Slowly but carefully release the string more and more each time~ Rhythmic and hypnotic like your soft breathing during sleep... Push and pull like the moon does the tides~ See the nice height yet? I'm sure you're feeling the powerful tug on your hands but don't let go okay? Because you'll never know then where the wind will carry away the kite... You'll only be able to watch: As it fades into the infinite blue skies above like an elusive star   disappearing at the break of dawn... going higher and higher... until you can see no longer~

I don't want to suppress myself any longer... This week had been a terrible week because I had to suppress all my feelings and I pretended things were okay when inside I knew they were not. I told myself that I can be strong and not let anything outside get in and change my world. But I had to watch... I had to watch my own acting each and everyday... How tiring is it to have to look into a mirror and ask yourself what you are doing only to see an image of another that looks like you but is not you...

I keep feeling that I was a liability to everyone around me. I really wish I was smarter just so that I could help the people around me with their studies like I used to. I really wish I was richer such that I could have a car or something and then share them with the people around me. I have so many things but I wished it upon myself a misery of not having those that people all do not have that I may just be able to provide for. That way I'll feel useful... That way I'll feel less useless... That way I'll be able to help...

I hated myself so much... But nobody hated me =(

But why is it that I keep feeling that I've done a great wrong? Why is it that I keep finding a need to punish myself just so that I could feel better about it... feel less guilty for being myself... It's like there's a funeral and even when the brightest of sunshine greets me I tell myself not to smile just because it wouldn't have felt right...

Don't leave~~ as much as I wish so much that the people around me will hate me for a change... I wish that people won't give up on me too =X To all my friends out there... please don't leave anymore...

I don't want to live in pretense anymore... I don't want to act in my own directed drama no longer... Right now I say it... I'm really sad about everything =/ I'm not okay~~ But still live goes on and I'll continue living just because there are more things to life out there. Time will heal? Erode away the wrinkles that  blemish this course of history...

And I decided to release the kite that so strongly tugs away from my hand... I cried... I cried so much I had not enough tears but to continue another day... May it be one day... when the kite will come back~ But no longer... forever won't be... held anymore... by a string~

Always hoping... ... until the day comes when time so cruelly erodes away even that last remnant that I promised myself I'll always pray for...

Music Box

True strength was not the strength to carry up the sword of courage. I guess I was sadly mistaken. But for a long time I was always under the impression that it was. When I see that the people around me could achieve so much great things using their own power I pitied myself for the lack of ability that I possessed. Perhaps a better way to say it would be that I lack the abilities that the practical world demanded... yet... the demand is an insatiable appetite fueled by the innate desires of so many to obtain pure power: Money, intelligence, career and even appearances...

I come to realize though that in Uni it really didn't matter who here has the greatest latent talent or who has the raw power needed to succeed... Everybody has that reservoir of pure power inside them... Whether I have a bigger one; whether I have a smaller one... does it really matter? I guess the only greatest factor that determines the difference between me and them; me and us; me and u; and even between me and me is the ability to tap onto the huge reservoir that lies dormant inside.

Do I have the drive? Do I lack resolve? For I lack that fire starter to jump start the engine... I'm stuck in a perpetual story of rainy days...

But I asked again... what is true strength... it was not the power to take up the sword of courage... But rather I found that it took even greater strength to put that sword down when there is no longer any meaning~

Am I alone here? =( I hear the music box that brings back nostalgic memories... 

there is a question that forms in my heart... but I wondered if knowing the answer would have made things any better... I promised~~

The First Time

I had my usual dessert for a rainy day today again... My mum would always ask me when I leave the house suddenly, where I was headed. My reply to her was always this: I feel like eating honey sea coconut dessert...

I never could tell my family members when I was unhappy. They took me as a guy with a craving for this sweet and icy treat. Never failing to comment to me that eating too much of it will make me become fatter. I understood where they were coming from. But it was a habit that I had developed over the years. The solution to a hard day/ week would always end up with this dessert put right in front of me as I indulge myself in this sinful pleasure to forget about the painful thoughts that resound in my head like a church bell.

I remembered today how everything first happened. It was really interesting to me how certain subtle things happen in your life which leads to unexpected results. A simple gesture may lead to a doorway into someone else's world. I wished that the world could understand my own language but the current state suggests that I'm speaking more of some alien native language.

Do we feel lonely sometimes? I was telling this friend that if someone told me that they loved to be alone... I would never have took them for real. To me it just means that the person has built a super tall wall around himself/herself due to something that happened in the past... and it just means that I need to take more effort to demolish this wall to see the real person inside. For truly I ask this: How can anyone ever wish that they be alone with nobody to care about them? To me then life would have lost meaning... Therefore, I say... I am afraid to be alone... that's true... But I've also built a strong wall around myself for the pain of exposure demanded me to shield myself from the outside world due to my sensitivity.

Memories they haunt me sometimes. Be it good ones or bad ones they haunt me. Is there value to remember when the cruel hands of time will move on nonetheless?

I remembered a time when the encounter was subtle and the intent was that I didn't want to see people being lonely. I especially hated to see people eating alone... and that is why when able I'll always accompany someone if they are eating alone even if I had already eaten. Things changed though and then magic happened...

I am a grieving soul that weeps over the death of something which my heart held true when in reality it is no longer. My heart strings tug at me when beautiful memories grace me and then painful memories makes those images even clearer. 

I hope for god to be forgiving... I hope for miracles that will erase the present and usher in the past. Naive dreams I have indeed: Foolish and childish but always so pure. Let's have a friendship that lasts forever k... so long that even after everybody gets married.. our families will still like go out together and stuff... that be the best friend of my dreams... but it shall be... always in front of me... always for me to be seeing; at one time holding; but always fleeting... 

It was and never is... mine... =(

I'll show you heaven and then a taste of despair

Cute little macaroons... adorned in such lovely vivid colours- They resemble the rainbow: myriads of hues of shades from the joyous to the depressing. Like two clouds of vibrancy that melts in your mouth and a light and heavenly cream that binds the two together to make the set complete... I see them in most shops as I'm walking down the streets of town and I am always mesmerized by the wonderful display and then the fantasy and imagination sets in. 

I feel a waltz in my mouth when my taste buds respond to each different taste. There is no taste to colours but somehow it just adds up and my mind is filled with fascinating dreams of a riot of colours. And yet... ... I've never ever tasted a macaroon in my entire life hitherto... But just by seeing with my own two eyes I already taste it with my mind and with my soul and therefore my tongue...

Do people care about wishes of a distant dream made long ago? The times when we all didn't know any much better about adult life and the harsh reality of this world. There was a time when our dreams and hopes were boundless and filled with infinite possibilities. We didn't know what impossible was and we didn't care about how to get there at all. 

I had a dream; you had a dream... and we talked about our dreams under a vast blue sky of the purest of friendships and trust combined. Do we still value such thinking? Or had we grown up and known better already? Yet... is this thinking so distasteful now that we can never be able to swallow it therefore? 

But then again... there never will be a heaven without a hell... It is a rite of passage to have tasted honey before we knew what was not so sweet. We had to experience the pains of this life just so that we could feel the ecstasy we needed. The ecstasy like a drug I wished would never fade away; but i know is temporal- fleeting... intangible... within your sight... but never yours...

I see an empty room... and my lifeless bear sits on my bed just smiling at me. The counselling sessions we used to share seem so dumb now... My bear never was, always has been, always will be a lifeless doll with no mind of it's own. So when I talk to you Mr. Bear and tell you all my secrets and tell you all the things that are happening in my life who am I telling to anyways? 

What's the point to all this; what's the point to trying to taste the sweetness of life when there is the bitter aftertaste of despair. What's the point of filling each and every single day of your life with empty bonds you know will never last; an emptiness that feeds the eternal void that my heart is so already hemorrhagic from.

So I built my castle from the ground. Brick by brick I slowly solidify these thoughts I harbor. That even as the wall goes higher and higher and the sky suddenly seems smaller and smaller and now darkness glazes my eyes and mind... I lay in my towering fortress asleep. Feeling safe and sound... waiting for the next person to open those walls again~ if there is ever a soul that had that much strength

The Seed Embraced By The Soil

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling the chilling winds of the night creep upon me. Out of my carelessness I had fell asleep without covering myself with my blanket and I thought to myself... Let's just try to sleep without it otherwise I still have to make it the next morning. But I tossed and turned for a few minutes... and in the end I still buried myself like a worm in a cocoon under the warm embrace of what felt like safe heaven... 

I covered myself... snug... warm... safe to sleep once again... But a single tear streaked down my cheek as I came to realize how much I wanted some protection from the cold... Just a place where I could feel that I could be myself once again... under the warm and nurturing comfort of a cover from all the bad things happening out there.

I woke up this morning... feeling an unusual emptiness in my heart. I didn't feel like talking about it anymore and I probably cried my fill about everything else that needed to be grieved over. I had breakfast by myself and I kept thinking of the pair of eyes I wanted to say something but then decided not to just because I don't feel like it anymore...

Is this the end? I dunno... ... But perhaps the end always comes first from me... because even if the whole world wanted things to end up yet I refuse to do so... then the story will never end as well... The depth of feelings is deep and a mystery.

The past and good o' days... will never translate to the future and the present... only identities from which we draw our lines from~

Rainbow Tears

Perspective is power and the way we perceive ourselves affect us so much that sometimes if we think of failing then it goes without saying that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think of times when I really regret doing certain things in my life: Some I'm ashamed of; some I just hate myself for; some I ask myself what came over me at the heat of the moment... It is with this that I ask myself if it was even possible to lead a life that has no regrets. That is to say that, whatever I do I will have so much faith and conviction that it will propel me forward to where I envision myself to be in a bright future of beautiful dreams and boundless happiness~

Are we disappointed by ourselves when we do something wrong? Perhaps there was a time when you really wished so much to apologize to someone about a moment of folly that befell upon you, yet you have no excuses but to say a soft but sincere: I'm sorry~

It's as if the rain came earlier than you had anticipated and the storm swirls around you and attacks you from all directions. You cried and you were in agony. Though at the back of your mind you knew that a rainbow of hope awaits you at the end of the trials. So you shed tears of pain but yet filled with the beautiful dreams of a new tomorrow that you know will come any time now. Are you cold walking drenched in this pouring rain? For I feel cold no longer. Only weeping tears of beautiful hopes that empower myself... tears of love and vigor... those as enchanting as a rainbow across the sky.

I left an umbrella made of the hope of a thousand rainbows developed across the seemingly eternal skies of grey... Staying silently but never forgotten... parked somewhere where it will be discovered once again... when it should rain or when it's owner finds me.

The Hardest Decisions

It was a rainy day today- a gloomy day. But I headed to town wishing to find some solace and to have a peace of mind to think about things. I popped in my ear pieces and listened to a few of my favorite songs on my i-touch as I walked around the streets and browsed the shops. I was looking for a good book that someone recommended me and the idea of thinking of the troubles of this life while sipping on some high class coffee in the middle of town on a rainy afternoon seemed almost magical. I met a friend, however, and we sat down and had a talk about many things~~

I wonder sometimes if it is only me who face the problem of being selfish. Because I get so depressed and emotional about so many things in my life when the truth was that if I was just willing to take a step backward and see the big picture, then my matters were truly trivial. I made a mountain out of a mole hill and simple things became abstract because my dramatic mind demanded it be such. Who do I blame really? Because a very aggressive friend of mine told me this: If you think there is a problem, then change it!

It dawned on me though that for many things in my life, I had always knew that I had problems. But you know... holding onto a hot piece of metal is painful at first. But hold on longer and the pain disappears when your skin dies off. Isn't that what's happening right now? I know that there are problems here and there with myself. But all I did was whine about them and sought the whole world to empathize with me. I am a horrible person because I was selfish to think that my trivial problems were important when right now out there in this World people are struggling to stay alive- Famine in Africa and poverty... etc

So what is happiness? Is it relative? This is something I always asked myself. Does it mean that I ought to be happy just because someone else is leading a far worse life than I am now? Somehow I feel that that isn't the case really... If I defined what was happiness to me would it be the same with you as well? I doubt so~

And yet we all trudge/leap/run/crawl forward whether is it in bruises or with joy/pain/reluctance in pursuit of what we all envisaged to be the rainbow we'll see after the heavy rain. But when happiness becomes different then how then can the World be truly happy? Does it mean that some people have to unhappy just so that others can be happy too? There is a price to pay for everything and in everything we do we either have to pay it ourselves or have someone pay it for us. Such is the law of everything... Equivalency.

What is happiness to me? Is it to attain my definition of happiness in this life? Or is it to sacrifice my own just so that the people I care about are able to achieve their happiness? But I'm so afraid... =( I admit it... I'm very afraid of seeing my own happiness slip through my own two hands. I'm not so noble but in my heart I genuinely wish nothing but the best for the other. 

Whatever happens... take heart... that the truth will hurt intensely so... but have hope that it will free you too~ Can I have that courage too?

Thunder Crashes

I no longer know what's on my mind anymore. My emotions have drained me so much that I feel empty inside and my brain is filled with fleeting thoughts of many things. I looked into the mirror this morning as I was brushing my teeth and I asked myself what happened to me? My eyes were reddish brown and dry; my hair was a messy array and I looked like I hadn't slept in ages.

I think whenever people proceed in life there comes a time once in awhile when you receive sudden revelations of certain things. I received mine this morning. It's as if I awoke from a long and distant dream of crazy things- some too ridiculous to even imagine that I would possibly have done. I had to admit... that in all my years of living there was always one thing I could not do: I could never love myself... The fact was I hated to be me and I hated all my personality traits and my emotional outbursts. I always wished I was somebody else...

I'm a piece of shit. Nothing more. Even though I really tried very hard to be something else. But sometimes trying isn't always going to mean that you'll succeed one day; it just means that you haven't given up. But so what if I packaged myself into something beautiful and pleasant to the eyes of others? So what if I totally locked that piece of shit up in some deep forgotten crevice? Whenever people got close enough and the wall is demolished they still see the piece of shit that I am... and who can truly say that they love an ugly duckling over the pretty white swan?

Sometimes... I wish someone would help me and lend me a supporting hand; but sometimes... I wish that I could not be helped. It's as if I wanted to die but I didn't want to die. And at the end of the day I cause so much trouble to everyone around me I end up feeling more horrible and sinful than I already am so deeply tainted by it. No body can take my emotional outbursts. Where people tried they failed... But I was hopeful all the time... only to be despaired at how impossible it will be even in the future.

Does anybody know who I really am? I'm not the enthusiastic, gregarious and quirky guy that you all know...  I'm really just an over-sensitive and sentimental guy who feels so insecure all the time that it hurts me as much as it hurts those close to me. But I asked myself what's the greatest gift and contribution I can give to the people who are important to me in my life.

It was that I guess my happiness would have been wasted anyways anyhow. So it really doesn't matter anymore. For the sake of not to be selfish anymore I'll do what I have to do even if it pains me to no end. I really love people a lot... I really did. That I never lied. But I always watched and admired from a distance never daring to be too close because I was afraid that people would see the ugliness of me.

I built a tall and impregnable wall around myself. But when it slowly broke down my world became exponentially bigger and I was exposed to a World of hurt I never knew existed before. Someone told me before: trust and believe that there are people who will love your ugly even if you didn't even try...

Tear filled eyes; and a dry lip; 

And I'm sorry... But this is my fate. everything is worthless... no one wants me to stay~

Painting The Silence With A Riot Of Colors

Why do some people keep things quiet when they have something that they really wanted to say? Does silence breed harmony or does it aid communication in any way? It would seem as though silence and communication doesn't seem to have any relationship whatsoever... But yet somehow I feel that it does. Because sometimes when certain things are said they leave bad after tastes in the mouth and they inflict wounds of the heart. Where do I draw the line then? Where do I draw the line that separates the silence from the voices that echoes in my heart?

Is it about trust? The trust that certain things need not be conveyed but be understood. But without a sound at all.. even if a tree fell in the middle of the forest and no one was there to hear it... would we have known that it fell after all? Sometimes... I find that silence is a test of trust... but just like god cannot be put to the test... should trust in people be put to the test then? It would seem it defeats the whole purpose isn't it?

So paint this silence with colors already and let there be no more gloominess and things unsaid. Because in every second of my life... I wish to tell the world so many things... And I feel so many emotions that paints so many pictures in my head that are so lucid.

Do I lack it though? Sigh... A sigh that is as many words as a thousand word essay will be

The Lost Key

I wonder why is it that certain things are just too complicated for my brain to comprehend. Especially this entire journey to discover to discover more about myself... Somethings I do I amaze myself; somethings I do  I'm actually proud of myself because it shows my strength of character and gives hope that I'm not such a weak dependent individual after all; somethings I do I feel ashamed of myself and wished there was a hole in which I could jump into and hide...

Things used to be so simple when they were all black and white. But then things were always not so simple because of the different hues of black and hence the creation of grays. Don't get me wrong... gray is a lovely color... Just that it makes choices that much more difficult to make and it makes you ponder over your actions and the consequences should there be possibly any. I suppose the hardest part of life is about telling the colors apart.

I thought about things during the weekend for very long and I find it such a challenge to tell fantasy from reality. The dreams that I have and the desires that I harbor: I can never truly tell if such things were overly idealistic or perhaps that it could possibly come true one day. But I had to watch at my dreams crash and burn, having to go through the trauma afterward~ Do I lack the resolve? Do I lack the footwork to move to the rhythm of life?

I don't think I'm depressed any more... deeply confused perhaps... I wish I had all the answers but sadly I don't. The only thing harder than to do well for an exam is to do well for yourself.  That is wise in itself... I really don't know what's going to happen next, but I suppose thinking about it ain't going to answer it either. The only thing I can do is to keep moving forward and survive the toils that are thrown at me each and every day. I wrote in previous posts since last year...

An Ice-Make Rose Garden;

Being Loveless In Love City;

The Magical Carriage That Turns Into A Pumpkin When The Clock Strikes 12;

A Wrinkle On A Pool of Calm;

And Finally... A Lost Key of Hope That Answers All~~

A penny for your thoughts? What am I trying to find? What is it that I am tirelessly looking for? Things are vague and woozy~~ It's as if my brain itself seems to be blocking certain memories from me so that I can't answer that question... Where is this lost key? 

But I don't think I should burden this on people anymore... People have their own lives to live. They don't have to take the time out to care about mine too... I'll promise to not make this a habit anymore... I'll try to keep things to myself from now on~