Heartening fantasy

I mustered the courage to ask today and gathered the willpower to devoid of all emotional attachment... To learn from the spirit of someone I so admire... I think I did a pretty good job... But no matter how perfect the cover up it masks no real truth... In hiding behind mirrors, inconvenients truths are born... I ravage the remnants of my shattered heart once before and salvaged the pieces... Glued them up together with a sticky matrix of distractions and took a long long long long long workless break from school life and people...

Do I sense a rift in time again? memories awaken... dormant ones... death to the undying that's a lie... To the action it is surface deep and superficially shallow and narrow-minded... To the soul so deep I tell myself no lies... That in the end what's real? What's the truth behond the truth... Not gonna fight it anymore... What I want... no rather what I wish... which I know shall always stay true...

As long as my heart is strong enough to withstand the storms ahead and the erosion of time... Then this dream is no dream... this truth is a fact... Maybe some people may say it's still dumb... But never for a second I ever meant anything I ever said towards the end... what I really wish to say out loud... ever repeating in my mind... the word... ...

Brother... ...
I can never forget no matter how hard I try... one and only for life... even if it is one-sided =/

Avoidibility

So how far will hiding take me? I stare stare at my phone for almost half a day... As I ponder about things... Taking lonely bus rides home and I pop in my mp3 I hear songs that bring back memories... I see sights that tingle my senses... What are all these I'm seeing? =/

But then again... I kept my own promise to myself... To nvr ever find anybody to talk about it anymore yea... And so far I kept it strong... Saw this show about some group of fanatic believers that feel this dire need to belief in god and that without a god to worship they will die... Sort of reminds me of somethings I used to do... Reliance and dependence... And in the end... Painful? surely it is... Even now... I still feel the pain emnating from the scars... But I'm still alive aren't I? Humans dun die so easily...

Not that I wanna die or anything... Just there are times... Times... ... I wonder to myself everyday this burning question if I should do something or not... Becuz if i said I dun care I would be lying... I care... I care so much... Still care as much and THAT much... And I feel this growing worry as days passby... If I should do something and that if it turns out I am just some fool that thinks help is needed then I live the shame and downward spiral of pride... that at least my mind will be at ease...

Tell myself no more emotional attachments... To release the soul and be greedy for myself... And a lesson of all lessons... that not everything is about yourself... Other people have lives too... And really I am just this insignificant being... for now at least... Until I become some world renowned person then perhaps I would be more of a dot than a pin head thin....

I seriously need to do something about myself... And really thinking and saying and planning is never enough... It is all about the action... That people say going is action while others see it as action is going... and I better start going now or my action will be leaving =///

Whatever I do... from now onwards will pave the path to my near and distant future... One false move and its checkmate for me... One precise gesture and suddenly the chessboard is my playing field. The word right now? Ambivalent... ... Apathetic too but somewhat it's both good and bad...

I'm obviously hiding behind everything now and hiding behind my own lies and fantasy drugs... Hindering my own potential and hazing up my own vision. She's right... I'm no ambitious. I used to thought I were... yea... the word is 'Used to'. And I used to drink milk from a bottle... and used to have so many things... But I look back now... not gonna use cheesy quotes from song lyrics as i see people describe as 'nostalgic' or 'a film without sound'. Instead I will say this... short and sweet... Wow... ... Awesome man...

Crude? yes... Ironic? hahaha... Sarcastic...? Richer than the wealthiest man alive I swear... ... Have just one of those dreams just yesterday night... What does it all mean? And now it is to decide as with everyone always had a choice... Which me do i want to keep and make it the real me... face it people... That there is never such a thing as the 'real' me. There is only such a thing as what u want the 'real' me to be... U crafted yourself from stage one... poised yourself for suicidal leaps from roofs as tall as skyscrappers or plan a slow ascent to heavean early in life... u decide it... u dictate it...

No one owes anyone a living... neither is there ever grievance that will rest... when certain people are simply just that bit lucky to have everything one doesn't have... I hate the politically correct answer of: That's life... ... Bullshit man... Let me think about it... I'll comment in the next post when I think of it...

But for now... one things for sure... Moments when I suddenly feel like crying are getting aplenty... =/// But a good mask hides it all right? I hate my class... if people get why... dun take it personal.... it's me... =//

Deleting

Went through more than a thousand old SMSes today... and diligently deleted them one after the other... Wished there was a delete all function... Yet i couldn't find it... And as I marked and deleted messages 10 at a go... Until the 2135 msgs left... And I was all alone... by accident I discovered finally how to initiate the delete all function for large files...

Took a whole 15mins... for about one year's worth of messages to be gone just like that... Felt the light of the world... and a scarred and heavy heart loosened up... Asked myself... if i were happier nowadays... And I'm not sure really... But i do know this... I have it easier and I cry less often... Less stress and less hurt... though i do worry sometimes... But i keep it to myself...

I succeeded... nvr ever found anyone when i rmb and cry all about it... I decided i face it all alone... No more sharing with people... It's all me... And as i take a step to be a selfish being... I rmb someone once said... It's sometimes that one needs to be selfish as I get wake up slaps from my horrible test results... It's time for some studying for my own selfish sake... For I owe no one anything...

There is one great great regret though what had happened shall forever remain intact... Becuz as I ponder at night where the chaos all begun... I only realise perhaps if i never appeared at that time... things would have been better... Should have listened to toh Liling... Why the hell I go CDAYL or be a fac last time? Why dun i just be a scholar which i aspire to be... Never would have gotten twists of fate that way... and perhaps each person would take separate paths... and maybe... ... its bad i know... but u and her may not even be tgt today... But still... its a fact no one can deny that I served the purpose of the bridge at the starting point... Dun resent it... just treat it as i did a good deed...

I hate disappointing people... above all things else... And when i see myself today... I disappoint myself... Its a wreck from here... so how do i go from here? How do i forget and forgive?... ... ... ...Flashes still occur ever frequent but i hide it in... And some old fren of me also told me too... maybe... a physical frenship doesn't exist... but in the heart if u see someone as someone then that person shall be... But to encapsulate the spirits of people i see so noble... I guess its time to learn and be trying to achieve such nobility...

Nvr changed my heart ever... but for ur sake... i decided for once... perhaps to u u would say that for once... Let's do what u want... becuz what i want is what u want... ... That sentence i ever said... will forever hold... I only want... ... and nobody else... ... becuz ... ... ...

handphone is clean right now... no messages whatsoever... and less lag... cleared it out of its system... But imprints of the heart like fingerprints... they deem undeletable... as happy memories flood my mind and emo ones too... all frozen in the times when i want to see them... The ever vivd and livid flashes...

?

Feeling kind of envious now... ... Wonder why is it this type of things always make me feel so much inside... ... just seeing in it affects me so...

Tasting a tinge of sadness... ... Yea... I agree too... fateful... ... ... ...

Too bad... for me... i guess... ... ...

Mine was an unfateful one... ...

What Cha Doing?

I wonder what I'm doing... running... running... and running away from everyone... but this time... I choose to do it the silent way... Told no one about anything... nvr bothered toh liling anymore or she may feel irritated haha... the rest? too busy... or maybe so many times it occurs i guess it is commonplace phenomenon...

I wanna be alone for awhile... cry late into the night... who cares? Just i know this time i won't ever burden ppl again... my own sad I alone... No more best frens for me... maybe no more good frens too... ... Just leave me alone world... Leave me alone... Let me stay in solitude...

I still remember the undying dream and it sears my heart with a crimson red... Still remember the challenge to thyself... Still remember the few words rich... ... I cry not becuz i pity myself... But becuz... ... becuz... ... it just eats me up and kills me inside...

I relinquish the past like i nvr thought i would... Still alive and kicking... but something in me changed... more conservative and protective now? perhaps... ... Just i dun ever EVER wanna have someone close to me anymore...

I'll run and run forever... ... Even my own class outings i shall run away... just as long as i dun see the two ppl that will surely give me the flashback of my greatest nightmare... I dun wanna be near anyone of them... dun wanna be linked... though class in school shall now be a torture... I shall disappear as much as i can... becuz its not i shoo ppl away... dun get me wrong... i know i am of no worth... ... so i shoo myself... ... =/

taking my 'drug' more and more... days on ends... morning wake up till late nights.... i immerse myself... to forget all the pain... yet at night... i cry my hearts out... ...

I wanna run away... far far away...

It's time to take more 'drugs' again... I am starting to tear... haha... ... =(

Reality Check

Still in sync with yourself? Perhaps I am.

Sure u aren't going? Quite certain

Are u trying to show something? Not this time...

Afraid? A little...=/

Getting better? I don't know....

Are u lying? ya....

So u know the answer? ya...

It's a bad answer isn't it? maybe?

Still on 'drugs' aren't u? Totally... it's the only way...

Are u happy now? ... ... ... ...

?

Cry if u want... U won't die... I dun care... so why shld u? ... ...

Becuz I'm a liar... ...

Death To the Undying

A few days have passed by... as quickly as it came... as quickly as it had gone... I wonder if... memories still hold? or would feelings still hold? As I still carry with me the grief of the death of the undying dream... A hole deeply inscribed into my heart it persists and prevails. As I distract myself with mortal desires, every night I feel like saying that one magic word... XXXX.

Something seems so not right... Something feels so weird... And I ask myself... If I am sad or anything? But it's not that I'm sad... it's something else entirely... I view the world with an empty heart... so envious of things around me... I feel rather dejected of myself... I wonder... if... it's the end... Feel a tear in the eye? I wanted a taste of what it was like to... ... ... ...

but in the end it was bitter sweet... perhaps more bitter than sweet... If time travel was possible... There are so many things i wanna change in the past... But as I get lucid and see myself... I tell myself off for ridiculous notions.

It's kinda sad really... ... That things are like this... As I open my heart and decide to close it all up... It's kinda sad really... death to the undying... the undying dream a many... It's kinda sad really... the feeling of no XXXX.... It's kinda sad really... When I say XXXX I feel emptier than before...

As I try to stitch up that gapping wound... and clog it up with all the nonsense... intoxification of my heart and mind... I lost myself... Becuz I appear as such... but my heart says another...

It's kinda sad really... ... Ridiculous as it may sound to some ppl i know... I feel lonely... ... both at home... and outside... ... yea... it's sad... really... ...

Rift?

Something starts to tear apart... a rift is formed and a trench so deep... Stab me with a knife would u? Because feelings numbed from addiction and aloftness... Looking back at the past i see a rhapsody of colors red, green, yellow and blue. Seeing it again... I see it black, white and gray scale. Things changed... Time waits for no one... I wonder with each passing day with a deepening intensity... A solid heart and a lost mind... if someone else also feels the same...

Tanning in the pale moonlight... I'm turning into an owl... Spending nights away in drugs to numb myself from the loss of senses and the widening rift... Underlyingly my undying remorse and guilt. a guilt so strong, a diamond's strength. A guilt so heavy, a million tons. A guilty conviction I willingly accept. Should neither moan should neither complain... its a conviction I am willing to make...

If taking this new addiction to another level... Will erase the guilt completely... Will i dabble and lose myself in it? To lose myself in a whole new world... I ask myself if I'm ready. Thinking back all lessons learnt... seven sins of regretful pledges...

Sloth is for the laziness I display so mighty; Emo for the Envy I feel so deep; Prejudice and procrastination for the highest pride; gaining weight as a gutton would; Wrath for death of the undying dream; Lust for the hidden temptation locked inside me; Greed for always wanting more than I'm given...

I touched the seven deadly sins. Gazed upon the darkest side... as i wallow in the moonlight and drift between dreams and reality. I realise I have been sleeping. Perhaps is the time to choose... If i would take this drug and just forget about everything with time...

As with the erosions of time and emotional damage...