For the longest time, I’ve always wished to be someone I was not. I wanted to be better so that I could feel more worthy because at the heart of it all I just felt that I was not good enough and that’s why sometimes bad things happen to me. I blamed myself when things around me went wrong – I blamed myself when my friends have problems just because I felt that if I were better I would know what were the right things to say or if I will have the ability to help them solve their problems; I blame myself when my parents fight because I felt that if I were a better son maybe they wouldn’t be arguing as they do… …
I was
afraid of standing up for myself at times just because I was afraid to lose
friends. So I gave… and kept on giving… I didn’t have the courage to see if
friends will leave me when they know the real me~ Even when I knew I was
treated badly by some people, I still took it upon myself that it happened
because I’m like that. It was because I’m not good enough and too afraid of
losing people…
I was once
very fat – so obese at 112kg. For all my life, I was laughed at by my very own
family and my relatives who were not understanding of my feelings. I developed
a hunched back because I wanted to become smaller thinking that hunching will
make me look less fat. I felt judged and I judged myself even more. Who would
want to be associated with a fugly guy like me? Ironically… it was at the times
when I was the biggest that I felt so small… I doubted my existence and
wondered if anyone would notice if I left~
So about
one year ago, funny story… I was innocently taking an MRT ride home sitting on
a non-reserved seat when a middle aged couple came in. The uncle told the auntie
to sit at the empty seat beside me. But
the auntie exclaimed: “That guy so fat, sit already where got space? So
uncomfortable only…” At that moment, some people snickered while others watched…
I felt so judged while at the same time incredibly guilty… I thought to myself:
“Just because I’m fat I devoid a lady of the comfort of a seat”. I alighted at
the next stop even though it wasn’t my real stop… I just couldn’t take it… I
walked all the way home for many hours just dying inside. It changed my life
forever though, I went on an incredible weight loss journey with so much
determination and willpower in my heart that I was willing to do ANYTHING just
to be ‘normal’. So I starved myself and did tons of exercises (phew 3 – 4 hours
a day at times for 7 days a week). I emerged transformed… having lost over
40kg. It was a life-changing journey indeed but for some reason… while I felt
more confidence within me… I was still afraid and I still felt that at the end
of the day… I weren’t good enough :’(
SEP was an
amazing experience for me because it was the time when I had all the time in
the world to really understand myself better and to see the World for myself. I
met amazing people and through them I saw different reflections of myself. At
the end of the entire SEP I thought I knew myself better but not really…
because I still felt unworthy and I still kept feeling I’m not good enough for
everyone around me~
But things
happened along the way after… and I really start to realize one important
thing:
That as I
pretend not to be hurt or affected by what good friends say to me or others
(for that matter), I was not happy at all inside. So why do I still put up with
something so damaging to myself and make me feel so low and so unworthy?
When I see ‘amazing’
people I always wished I were more like them. So confident, so nice, so good-looking,
so smart, so cool, so charismatic… … In short, so ‘not-me’. But then it dawned
on me that… you know… no one is identical to anyone else. We’re all different
in our own ways yet similar because we’re all humans. But why then do these
people seem to sparkle so brightly that I can’t help but feel so unworthy? It’s
because they are so confident about themselves, and not just confident about
their strengths but also about their bad sides. I know of a physically
unattractive person who have so many suitors; I know of a super feminine guy
who is so loved and admired by everyone even though being sissy has negative
impressions in our society; I know of someone who has a bad CAP but is open about
it and still works hard and aims for that second upper…
They all
knew that they were not perfect and they all knew they were ‘weird’ in some
ways – a deviation from the ‘standard’. A standard that society and her norms
had constructed for us to adhere to. In so many ways, I always considered
myself an outcast and an abnormality in society. But I ask myself… Why is it
that I cannot freaking just accept this in myself and be the person that I am –
not the person I want to be?
So what if
I am ugly? So what if I am super feminine? So what if I give off a gay vibe? So
what if I’m fat? So what if I failed my IPPT? So what if my family is not
perfect? So what if I have a best friend who doesn’t see me as one too? So what
if I am evergreen? So what if my CAP is 3.9 and I am already in my final year?
So what if I am poor and can’t afford many things? So what if I am emotional? So
what if I admit that I am not PERFECT?
I’m just
tired of putting up with so many things anymore. Why the pretense and the lies…
Why do I need to lie to myself and try to be someone I’m not? Do I lack the
resolve and the courage to admit to myself (not tell the whole world but JUST
myself) that I am what I am. But yet, when I was on my weight loss journey why
was I able to push through that last lap on the track even when I was close to
fainting with only an apple for the entire day. Yet, when I am asked to present
something in class I can do so with such confidence and flair. Where did all
that incredible motivation go? The kind that made me feels like I could do anything
if I put my mind to it and the only times when I grew and felt equal with
everyone.
Some
changes in life are necessary just because it helps you to improve yourself and
allows you room to grow. But at the same time, some changes are self-thought
and they do little to make people who don’t care about you any more happier
while making you all the more unhappy and insecure about who you are. Who am I?
I am Zhao
Mian, I’m not perfect and I can’t do many things. I know I am good at some
things though and I know what makes me happy and what makes me not. People can
say whatever they want about me, if they happen to be true then let it be; if
they happen to be baseless accusations then so let it be. But most importantly…
DON’T put up with people who make you feel small – We don’t need them in our
lives – we can’t change them and there is little point to change yourself just
to be someone better in others’ eyes. Because, even if we have to be alone at
least we won’t be unhappy anymore~ People who truly care and matter will be
those that might think you’re crazy but still find the heart to understand why
you feel or think a certain way.
