I know of a story of a young and overly-slim tree. Everyday as I walk to the MRT station on my way to school or when I come back from school, I see a young tree. The trunk as thin as a bamboo pole that you and I will use to hang our laundry. I first saw it somewhere in February this year. It caught my attention because it was just weird to see a long bamboo pole-like thingy grow out from an empty grass patch. I figured that one of the seeds from the huge trees in the area probably was the reason for this.
It started from a small seedling with reddish leaves and by mid-February it was just a stick with green leaves. I would always look out for this seedling on my way to school and on my way back from school. In a way, I really liked the color green and also because I had always had an affinity for plants. So no matter how I had 'No time no choice' I would always take a moment to observe her growth and have inspiring thoughts like imagining how such huge and thick trees could come from such tiny miracles. Is it not fascinating that a bamboo pole can grow to be as thick as the tall trees outside our HDBs?
But as we all remember, February was the period when there were heavy rains and strong winds. Somewhere in late February... IT happened. A bad storm had made its way to town the night before. I remembered waking up to white flashes in the middle of the night and hiding under the covers of my blanket for the thunders to pass. On my way to school, I saw that the young tree had been entirely uprooted and was lying horizontally against the grass field. It was heavy on my mind because I was wondering if I should erect the tree again. I figured I might do that on my way back from school instead. But I never did... For days and then weeks... I kept wondering if I should have helped it. But I didn't of course... even until today... the tree remains lying horizontally flat on the ground. But something miraculous happened! Because in March, I realized small sprouts were beginning to grow from the sides of the fallen tree. By today, despite all odds, the fallen trunk has now became... 3 small trees instead.
Why am I telling the story of a tree? A boring old tree, who has no feelings; no brains; and so ordinary. It is because as I was coming back from school today from my last examination for this semester seeing this tree reminded me of what it means to: 'try'.
For the most part, I realize that 'trying your best' is never easy. Not because of the time and commitment that you will require for the task. No doubt that will be an uphill task too. But the hard part that I am talking about is the fear that exists because of trying your best. The key lies in 'best'. Sometimes, when we try our best and yet we still are unable to accomplish our goals and targets we start to think back and wonder: maybe we have not tried our best yet. Perhaps that's true... or perhaps... just perhaps we do not want to feel the hurt (so intense) that our best was never enough and coming up with excuses will help save our own prides that if we 'put in our best we will be able to do anything!'
For days long... and semesters past... I attributed my failures in my first year in NUS to the dramas that unfolded and that was mostly true. Yet there was little excuse that I could bring myself to give when I saw my results in my year 2 semester 1. I told myself that perhaps I had not put in enough effort and that my best had yet to be uncovered and so I trudged on and put in my best for year 2 semester 2 instead: this current semester!
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And now my heart is heavy... So very heavy it is... Even before exams end I was starting to get nightmares and sleepless nights just wondering if my best was not enough. That maybe I needed to see the truth and see my own shortcomings. For right now... I really reflect and I daresay that this semester I had already given it my all and been so hardworking... Alas... is this all be in vain? Is this all that I am capable of? Such ridiculous feats and insignificant improvement?
For truly my self-confidence had eroded so gravely since my coming into university. Though I may not show it and I give the World my brightest smile... I wonder how much longer I can last... Because on 2 June... when I look at the results and see my own reflection... I may just realize... my best is mediocre at best~ I'm not special... Just trying to be but perhaps never will be...
The tree that grew despite the odds had no fear. All it knew was that it did not want to die. Such tenacity that I applauded. The will to live is strong even in one small plant. I figured it had no fear of failure... because in the tree's world there was only succeed and live or fail and wither away... If only I could be that tree... so fearless and calm and so tenacious and admirable... A tower of strength I see on my way to school and back every day
