Pretence

Am I really trying to lie to the world? Trying to become someone else just so I can hide myself~~

I'm so confused right now.

Because at that point in time when I took that leap of faith I wanted to give it my all to transform myself into someone else just so I could forget the old self and abandon the old memories. But was it right to do so in the first place. Desperately trying to submerge myself and perhaps pretend to be contented and enlightened when deep inside nothing changed.


I tried to lie to the world and to some extent it worked; I tried to lie to myself thinking it was possible but it was to laugh that at the end of the day the deep dark secret I buried deep was that I told a lie. I told a lie to myself~~

Shades And Hues Of Colour

In a world full of colours what do we see... Is it the colour of red, orange, yellow, green or blue? Or shades and hues here and there... and sometimes we feel grey too~~~

Whatever colour we chose to see the world in; Whatever colour you chose to see the world in

It matters not when we can tell no colour from non-colours. Black and white and sometimes grey... Remember those days when everything was so clear cut. But we met friends and we met people. And as we grew up we experienced a world of wonderful colours of the highest resolution imaginable. I saw a red sea and you saw a blue mountain... And we laughed at ourselves because the seas were blue and the mountains were earthly brown...

But who said it weren't so in our own worlds?

In my world where the sky is a beautiful emerald green and the meadows were lilac and the stars were pink and the raindrops were golden? We see what we want to see... But do we feel with the eyes or do we feel with the heart? For I believe no more in visions of illusions so beautiful... A beauty trapped in a dream...Yes~ I once lived a lie only to wake up through a gash to the heart. No matter how beautiful the beginning... It all comes to greater pain when the ending is that much awful. And so the world became grey-er and the hues became limited.


So when we see this world again with our hearts and as we face each and everyday... The challenges and the blessings... Do we see any further than what our hearts feel for us?

For I just wanna ask you know... Just wanna ask this question =((

What is the colour of my heart?? ... ... ... ... What is the colour of the sky right now? For it seems like it's about to rain? =X

It all started out all white and pure... and then it split to more. For with whitest purity of a virgin birth... my world was filled with colours. I felt yellow for a time and then it became green with envy. I caused much mayhem and was lost in a purple flurry haze... And then my heart blackened and my heart saw no longer-- Only my eyes saw: Saw the world in it's true colours. And learnt of a blue I never experienced before... A blue that glazes my eyes... ... So blue so blue... 

Parables

A bitter wind came and winter embraced~~ The last leaf fell and a threshold shot passed...

Shed off what was glorious lush and there stood a lone tree; bare and stark.

Snowy white; chilling to the bone... Stood bare and still for a time...

By day light it was cold and night time it got colder. Stars and sky stood mute witness and told stories among themselves.

For many days and many nights, numerous prayers to what was once 'god'. Gave up hope for a new coat to cover the nakedness so depended on myself~~

But as bitter winds beat against a scudding time... Light shone one day, and a new faith found...

All was well till the rythmn of pain swept through. A symphony of haunting pasts piercing to the soul and heart...

Once in awhile... when the moon is high and the night is still. I sing a familiar melody and continue to pray to the night sky hoping god would hear.

But as daylight breaks the darkest night, I awake to a new day each and every single day.

With the episode buried deep inside. Locked up tight.

And as I pass through living day... Once in awhile... I'm reminded of what happened last winter. And a locked up box somewhere hidden in the darkness.

And so I weep bitter tears for something I could not save~~~

My Resolve...

Why do these things affect me so much... Why do these things make me so~~~

After so long so long... They still get to me and they ruin my entire world.

I cried because I wish I could hold on to things that were slipping away. But I only realized that the harder I tried to defy the natural order of things the greater I hurt myself and hasten the whole process of having to let go.

Where is self-restraint and control over yourself Zhao Mian?

And when I was feeling low... I spouted nonsense to people. Hoping people would take them as a joke but secretly wishing they knew that behind those nonsensical things I actually wanted to tell the world that I was feeling really lousy =(


I dun wanna feel so small in his big world anymore; Or so big to fit in in this small world at times...

Why do I feel so awful? It has become a habit already hasn't it?

I'm not dumb to not realize that every few weeks later I find myself shedding a tear over this matter =X And in everyday life it haunts me at the back of my mind... Tell me how... tell me how... tell me what is it that can end this once and for all. Where is it?

Where is it that I can finally find~~~

It Happened As Though For A Reason

I wonder what it all means when you encounter the same things over and over again. A lesson I learnt so fondly- seared into my heart and mind. Yet somehow god seems to let me face those same trials again and again. Meet the crossroad and to make that painful decision and form that hurtful conclusion~~ Where does it all lead to?

All those emotions welling up within me like a lava plume coming to the surface. I always knew I was a guy with strong emotions. But just like a mutant with powers so great that he can't control them. I am a guy with so much emotions that when they do peak I am overwhelmed and lost.

And then I think about a time... when it all started. The painful memories and the subsequent chain of events that led to utter hell. Think of different perspectives only to come back to the same spot like we never even moved one small bit. Isn't that what we do sometimes? We trudged along that muddy trail... Fighting for our lives to reach our destination. We set off with a goal in mind to make our lives that much brighter. But as we seek those answers-so high- we got lost somewhere and when we finally found a trail again we only find ourselves back at the beginning where we all started out? Our destinations re-connected much like a loop in motion... Our hearts strengthened and our minds changed. But was there anything to seek out there at all??? Or did all that just happened just so we would change our hearts and see...


Same things met yet all so different. As if things met before seem like aliens... I wonder where all this comes to?

But I remember as well about feeling others with the heart and not the mind... To do what's best for people and not just about myself~~~ It's hard really~~~ It's hard to think about others before yourself in all situations when the hurt you feel is so real and it prevents you from seeing beyond yourself.

Would I be as good to someone as that person will to me? Face it... I have some issues with myself and being too close will only harm the other. There's nothing to complain about with regards to the pain I feel and hurt I got. Because... it would probably have been better if we didn't meet in the first place. So I decided... it best... I would ebb away~~ for the good of you

The Real Chicken Soup For The Soul

What's the real chicken soup for the soul when we just feel cold and sick of the World-- When our hearts are hurt and our souls broken~~ I have an excellent recipe for a delicious chicken soup for a cold and flu... But what of a recipe for the sickness not of the flesh but of the soul; of the unseen and not the seen.

Don't we all just feel like small hurt little kittens sometimes, hiding at the corner of a wall :(

Being protected and at the same time deceived by so many... It is almost impossible to be oneself in this harsh world for we will find ourselves changing and changing due to environmental changes, and, as we change ourselves so much overtime... Do we still remember who we really were at the very beginning?

Revelation was like a knife that pierced through the heart and the soul. The truth was painful-- But from the truth I found blessing too... Mind was sent into distress and suddenly I craved a nice bowl of warm chicken soup. Feel like I'm a kid that just did something wrong... crying under a blanket of my bed hoping the storm outside this world of mine will just fade away~~~


What's the chicken soup for he soul.... ... ?

Winter: It's The Time For Culling

Winter came like a ravenous beast. Bitter chilly winds beat against the protection of a warm cloak over the body. Overnight... Puddles and ponds froze over and unfortunate creatures perished from the sub-zero temperature. All was silent, except the howling, merciless winds of winter's might~

Morning came and the sun came out. We wake up to a beautiful winter wonderland. The original landscape dressed up in the finest white gown-- As would a bride don on for her wedding day.

Alas... winter came and then it left. The ice from the night melted away and beautiful green sprigs emerged to greet the morning sun. Was there ever winter? when we lived through the spring, the summer and autumn... Did we leave something behind when we proceeded from one place to another? Foot prints in the snow; nothing left when winter left us...

When the next winter come... Would I find back those footsteps I left in the snow? Would I find back those snow angels I so eagerly and excitedly made in those snow covered lawns? Or would it be a winter like no other?

How many winters have we gone through in our lives? How many springs? How many summers? how many autumns? All the same yet somewhat different. And everytime... we told ourselves we would remember what we did last summer... and what we would do the next... But how many did we manage to keep? How many did we truly fulfilled?

What am I trying to say? To be honest I have no idea... At least my brain doesn't... But what my soul and heart is speaking... I am writing it down. It's really so weird sometimes that... there are just things you wish to tell the world. But when you want to tell someone about these things... There just doesn't seem to be a one to do so? Is that lonely? Is that just how things are?

So I prayed to god next to a window and see the stars-- which reminded me of how god promised Abraham that he would make his offspring as numerous as the stars in the night sky... To the god of our forefather Abraham and all human beings that came after him... Do you hear me?

Hoping god will hear me amongst the milky way that is formed by the prayers of many~~

Who should I talk to? What should I do? And how should I deal with this?

For I tried one too many times... To be truly optimistic. Decided to pretend that things would be alright just so they would truly be so. But perhaps that's avoiding the problem and overtime even the toughest balloon explodes with a bang. I yearn for peace from this world, only to find I failed miserably... Wanted to prioritize a higher wisdom above earthly desires and a sinful life but the shackles are so strongly clamped onto my heart. For I lied if I said god was number one in my heart right now. For he's not =( But I am trying to make it so... ... and I'm praying and trying it be so amidst this distracting episode I am facing now~~

It Required No Answer; No Question; No Obligation

It's been so long since I wrote in this blog. Things got sunnier and the rains got lighter. For that I thank god for he was with me all this time. But something happened... :( Yet I could find no one to tell them what exactly happened-- Just feel like writing it out here for I feel like  a volcano about to erupt...

It all started out well... But I guess we never know what will happen in our lives a few months down the road? I quickly realize that all things start out good and well, but we all know that things more often than not don't turn out as what we thought they would~~ It's like deja vu all over again.

Life is like a bus ride... It's so cliche but true~~ Everybody started off their journey on the same bus for it was the interchange. As we take this life-changing journey that changes with the season- we transit from one season in our lives to the next. Go all sorts of places and meet all sorts of people. But at the same time... some people we meet alight at the next stop while others hop on and sit next to us. Nobody knows when this bus will finally reach the terminal... only god does... And sometimes... I guess we have to come to terms that everybody will have a different place to go in the long run. For no two people have the same destiny. =X

It's time for me to move with the passing season now~~ It's not about forgetting... no it never was so melodramatic. That in a sense I feel I've grown up through the pain. It will be a forever distant memory like an old photograph in black and white that 10 years down the road when we take it out we laugh at ourselves for being so young and naive then~

I'm very bad aren't I? I question people when they are as pure as the driven snow. This will be what I call selfish... I felt so much over it and thought what I wanted was right... Nobody knows what's right... for who is a mere human to judge the errors of earthly wisdom?

Is this goodbye... If it is... I wish no more for painful ends... If there was a need for one. I desire only that it will be one taken as that photo to be taken out again 10 years down the road and I remember a moment frozen in time when I smiled and felt warm~

It hurt pretty bad... I prayed to god for him to hear me out and I put my faith in him that whatever happens he is in control; whatever he is doing in me-- this pain and suffering he has his reasons. But I could not help but ask of god to make me overcome this quickly so that I may feel less painful. 


I really wonder what I did... ... 4 episodes... each milder.... 4 episodes I wept bitter tears for a friend I could not keep... 4 episodes... I thought I grown and I did... for 4 episodes... it took for me to understand the flow of things and of how daily things are always perishable-- an expression of a thought...


Remember Zhao Mian... even as now you're so hurt and broken... that what is unseen is temporary... but what is unseen is eternal~~~