The Warmest Hug

I hugged my bolster and my teddy bear on my room. I felt so tired and felt so drained... But even when the lights are off and the Sun had set and I lied on my quiet room on my nice and familiar bed. I hug my bolster and my teddy ever more strongly and breathing deeply into them ever more deeply. I closed my eyes and darkness glazed everything around me. But my touch was still there and the warmth of the covers of my bed and the things in my arms. I felt safe from everything out there...

Wishing for just a moment that I could just close my eyes like this forever. In this warm embrace that I give with all my heart... Never needing to open them again~

I love you teddy bear... ... even though you cannot talk but always bear mute witness to all the things I did and all the changes I made to myself. I could always hug you even when I'm feeling down. My tears stream down... But when I open them you'll always be still smiling... ... 

Lies in the night

I always wanted to be better than others, because I always wanted to feel like belonging. I wanted to be with people who will let me stay through the cold winters and accompany to have fun during the hot summers. I wanted to be good enough for people because people flock towards the beautiful people and the talented people. I feel forgotten sometimes, but can you hear me when I just talk like any other day? Deep inside I wish people would read between the lines and hear what I had to say. I wished people had telepathy so that I need not say anything to convey the feelings in my heart and the thoughts on my mind. It gets very tiring to talk about it really... Sometimes it's not that I don't want to just unleash everything and feel less bottled-up. Most of the time I just feel too tired to say it...

I can imagine though, how the people around me will feel: Constantly seeing that I get hurt over and over again. People get tired too and well emo sort of becomes my sort of thing. I find it hard to believe if I were in other peoples' shoes that I can ever be salvaged from the pits of despair. Who can always have hope for someone with a 'habit' that never seems to die? To be honest... I myself cannot guarantee that I can even be saved too. But if anyone I know is even reading this... I assure you that the 'habitual' idea is not true =( How should I say it? Getting stabbed with a knife once or twice or thrice is just as painful and dangerous each time. So... each time when you guys see me sad and hurt please don't say I'm like that and used to it. Because it really hurts a lot each time =(

I stand at a crossroad where I have to decide what is the most important thing to me. There is just too much chatter and noise in my head... I can never concentrate on any particular task or stayed interested in any particular thing. To all the people I disappointed... I'm so sorry... ... I've been so sorry for three years now... and now coming to the fourth. Words are empty and probably seem like a lie to cover up a night of sinful pleasures but if you believe me... I say: I'm really really sincerely from the bottom of my heart sorry...

Can anyone hear me when I cry for help in a subtle way? If I had a wish or a prayer it will always be that: I don't want people to give up on me... ... my heart is wrenching...

A Tale Of A Pair Of Twins: The Sun and the Moon

There was a ill-fated widow who lived all alone. Her husband died a few months after she got pregnant and the widow did not have any family support since she eloped with the man of his dreams without the support of his family. She was pregnant with child and had to work jobs from morning till night just to support herself. People talked behind her back saying how she must have had some bastard filled inside her womb. She kept all her resentment and ill fate all to herself. She tried to work as much as she could with a bright vision in her mind of a future where she and her child will lead a happy life. Her tummy grew bigger and bigger by the day. Before long, she was 9 months pregnant and almost ready for delivery.

However, fate is a cruel mistress as she soon experienced. One silent night as she was coming home from work and cutting through a nearby park she encountered a ruthless rapist. Despite her big tummy the rapist still attacked her and brought himself on her in her present condition. She shouted and cried for help and struggled with all her might. Tears cascaded down her cheeks and she hollered till she no longer found any more voice to do so. The rapist left after he got his satisfaction and left her under a huge Tembusu tree somewhere in a deserted part of the park to die. The widow was left in a terrible state. Her clothes were dirty and ripped and her water broke. Her vagina was teared wide open and bled from the assault by the rapist. In her last moments she cried to the high heavens for their pity and what her life could have been. So earnest was a plea and so heart-wrenching was her story that the star-lit skies took pity on her.

The stars fell like streaks of silver streamers and left the night sky a deep dark void. The night was silent as all of nature mourned, including the tembusu tree which shed its leaves like the first snow of a white Christmas day. The Sun and the Moon took pity on the widow in her dying moments. Together, the Sun the the Moon gave a part of their cosmic powers to her. The essence of the moon and the sun came down from the high heavens like a river of stars and filled the woman's womb. The widow's wounds healed and her clothes were magically cleaned and tidied. The widow drew a second breath and suddenly felt alive again. However, as the essence of the Sun and the Moon streamed into her womb she saw for an instant a vision of the future... In it she saw the fate of her child which were in fact a pair of 'gifted' twins: One will be named lunar, who had skin as pale as ivory and hair as white as snow like the luminous moon. Through her eyes she saw only the history of all things she touched. The other will be named Stellar, who embodied the vibrancy of the sun and the passion of dreams unfulfilled. Through her eyes she saw the future and potential that radiated from all things she touched.

The widow eventually gained enough strength and brought herself to a hospital where she successfully gave birth to Stellar and Lunar. Having lost everything that she had she saw no love in her children. Whenever she saw them she only got reminded of her unsupportive family, dead husband and her vicious rapist. Her blood turned cold and she treated the twins badly. She lied to the twins since they were young that they were actually a pair of abandoned infants that she took pity on because she saw them lying in a dumpster  She treated them like objects and used their uncanny abilities to make an incredible fortune. She brought them up in an environment of fear and taught them that they were unwanted things that would not have existed without her. Lunar and Stellar hence learned to respect her out of fear that they would lose the only person who 'loved' them. The widow was always very careful, however, and kept the twins some distance away from her in case they saw into her past and future and learn the truth of the entire fictitious story that she fabricated.

The twins and the widow lived like that for 20 years. The widow's health however dwindled with time and she found herself in her deathbed in a hospital all alone on a starless night. She told herself in her dying moments: "this must be karma for all the things that I had done. I will die alone with my shame and my dreams. the world will not miss me because I am worthless and no one cares about me". However, just as she was about to close her eyes and embrace her rest her daughters Lunar and Stellar came into the room. They each went to one side of her bed and held her hand firmly yet delicately. By this time, the widow was too weak to resist and she knew that her daughters will hence learn the truth. She mustered her strength and opened her mouth. She said: "Lunar, I guess you see my history of the hard life that I led and the hard life that I hence made you live. You see the suffering of my life and the truth of your origins and hence the fact that you are the flesh and blood of this heartless hag you now hold with your hand. Stellar, with your ability to see the future will see my untended grave in an abandoned cemetery where I will be forever forgotten. I hope it gives you satisfaction that I get my karma."

There was silence for a few minutes and the air was still. The winds stopped and a flurry of clouds scudded passed the luminous moon in the night sky.  Lunar's skin glowed like the moon in the darkness and she was the first to open her mouth. Pearl-like glowing droplets fell from her eyes and she spoke close to the widow's ear: "I have indeed seen your history mother and knew from the moment I was born that you were our mother. The heavens saw your plight and gave us to you in hopes of purging the darkness that dwells in your heart and mind. But when the essence of the Sun and Moon (the glorious river of light) filled your body you threw away the love inside you and gave up on yourself. I am the moon mother... I am the moon that is hidden but only visible because of the love you threw away and got reflected from me back to you... I love you mother..."

Stellar's golden hair shined like the Sun in the dark room and she grabbed her mother's hand even firmer. In a shaky voice of sadness she said: "I am the Sun that was meant to be your dreams unfulfilled. I was to be the daughter that accomplished everything you wished you had completed and hence complete your fairy tale for you. I have seen your future and knew when we were born that you would treat us so harshly. However, I also saw in the future that one day you will come to call us your own flesh and blood. So I stayed silent and loved you so that I could see that day come... I am the hope and dreams you abandoned when you were left to die under that Tembusu tree. I love you mother..."

The widow was stunned and she could find no words to express... Only tears and murmurs that could not be understood. Love filled her heart once again and she regretted the live that would have been. She looked to the window and prayed in her heart for a last miracle and the Heavens having seen the scene was moved. The essence of the Sun and the Moon that was in her daughters flew into the widow's body and she was suddenly filled with a beautiful vision:

She saw a beautiful home where she spent her life with Lunar and Stellar. How she loved them and how they showed her the happiness that she always wanted. She saw also a tombstone of herself in a beautiful garden of roses where her daughters and grand children gathered to mourn her death... For in that instant the ability to see the past and future converged to see the present of what should have been. The present that the heavens wanted her to have on the day she died the first time in that lonely park and plead for mercy from the heavens...

She learned a lesson that day... as she laid to her rest in her final moments with a beautiful smile from the vision filled with love and hope: Respect never comes from fear and insecurity.

True respect comes from love as did her children loved her so much that they respected her even when they already knew their mother before they were born and the life they will make them go through.

All human beings... yearn to be, belong, become, beget and believe. that is what makes us all beings in this world. Sometimes... we want to be treated as a living thing, belong to a group of people we love, become someone we aspire to me, beget kindness and believe in ourselves and the future. But more often than not we are driven my fear that makes us do scary things. Sometimes... somethings in life we value so much that we are afraid of losing...

And that's the reason why we sometimes choose not to do/ do somethings simply because that thing is so important that we don't want to risk losing it. (A wise friend told me this)

The value of a unit of infinite

Someone asked me today what I wanted for Christmas; what I wanted for my birthday too... I thought for quite some time before I replied. But it dawned on me that I didn't want anything that money could buy... No... I wanted things that no amount of riches and no quantity of precious gemstones could possibly surmount to. It made me realize though... that my answer would not be the cliched answer of: love. But rather... I wished for time. A single unit of happiness that is captured in our photographs and our most vivid memories. I wished for time spent with those that we care about and those that are and were dear to us. For truly... it became crystal clear to me that a single second could open up so many possibilities that branch out into multiple parallel universes of infinite potential - omnipotent... Now that is truly... the most valuable thing that anyone could ever hope and wish for... It is to spend your time doing what you wanted - with friends, with families, with the people that matter...

Hello! Stranger...

It has been raining everyday. Doesn't take a psychic to tell that tomorrow will be the same. It always happens in the early afternoon when menacing dark clouds just start to gather at the edge of the sky and sooner than you know it they are over your head and a curtain of rain drops just come cascading down. I enjoyed a nice warm cup of green tea while sitting near the window today - soaking up the melancholy of the atmosphere or perhaps just awestruck at the power of mother nature. Lightning flashes and thunder crashes hardly seem so distant as when you peer out of your small window to gaze upon the infinite skies of grey. It made me realize how dense the storm clouds must have been to have completely obscured my view of the blue skies beyond the great mass of grey. It reflected how little I saw ahead of me in life... and how scared I was...

When it rained at night... I would always run to hide in my parents room when I was very young. I enjoyed my share of horror stories and flicks and hence my imagination ran wild whenever the recipes for a horror movie came around. When it thundered when tonight... I find myself reminded of my past fears and I grip my blanket which was already half-covering my face with an even stronger grasp and a shakiness that stemmed from a reminder of the haunting of the past~

When I was in primary school... I fore-saw a bright future ahead of me. I saw me and my friends going to the same secondary school and then going to the same Junior college. I saw myself being the top in each school and then going to OCS where the honour will be sealed. I followed this chart I made for myself and reached all the goals and targets that I set. I thought that life was successful then. But little did I realize how wrong and how short-sighted I were. I stand before a mirror right now... and I asked myself where I am headed. But truly... I do not know...

I can't see the road anymore. I remembered a time in secondary school when my class went on a nature hike in Macritchie Reservoir: We all had a great time initially. But then the storm came in. We ran desperately to find shelter but the heavy cloak of rain had already came down on us. This girl held my hand very tightly... and said to me: "I can't see...". She was wearing spectacles and the rain was so heavy that it had prevented her from seeing ahead. I simply told her to trust me and hold on to my hand. At that moment I felt how much she was shaky and scared. It made me realize how scary it was... to not know where you were going especially when... there are storms in your life...

What's the use of having premonitions? Do away with tarot cards and crystal sets and other forms of divination. All I wanted to see was a vision of the future of what life will be. Yet with all the prophetic powers I claim to have and I can see no farther than the four walls of my room. What then do you do when you feel lost and alone? I remembered the girl back then and how she grabbed onto me. We grew up over night though... As cliche as that line had probably been used in countless dramas and movies. I like to call it metamorphosis. Sometimes... all it takes is some cataclysmic event in your life and you wake up the next morning feeling like someone else.

I am not proud to say this but I used to be a mean and violent boy. I used to resort to violence to manipulate the people around me. I used to hit my mum when she didn't give me what I wanted. I used to whine and cry to make a show just so as to get certain things from my parents. That of course led to my dad using his favorite belt... and OUCH that was painful. But the point is... one day... I just changed. One day I just woke up and became and obedient and quiet boy. No one knew why... even I myself didn't know too. My studies suddenly skyrocketed and people started praising me for having great discipline, patience and kindness... I like to think of it as... metamorphosis.

So how long more before I wake up one fine morning and see the whole world differently? Is this life of mine filled with stages that with each passing turn brings more surprises and delights installed for me? Be patient and remember to always consult your brain and not your heart... because sometimes an emotional fervor can overwhelm even the most logical of constructs. Something I constantly need to remind myself.

What does it feel like to be unwanted? To be honest I feel lonely almost all the time. It just doesn't seem natural. There must be something fundamentally wrong. There is a gaping black hole of insecurity buried deep inside me that feasts on my life itself. I felt like talking to people all about it. But then I just stopped... closed my eyes... and listened for a moment. I realized I wanted to talk to myself and ask myself where I was going and what I was thinking and feeling.

I feel so lost in this city... I feel so lost in my thoughts. A lot of things are uncertain while those that I am certain of make me uncertain of other things. But I know something full well... and I best always remember it: That I can call upon all my memories over the years as teachers of the present but that in every situation and every window of time that even the best teachers from the past can ever have for-saw the future. 

I feel bad that I have been so clingy to people... perhaps I have outlived my welcome. A friend of mine told me not to think that way. But I said with a last bit of saving grace (or perhaps still my excuse for being defensive) that it was never my intention to be a pest. I only wanted to try to be good... ... can that be wrong too? =(

A Vacation In a Dream

Recently there's just so many things going on in my head that I can never even be able to pen them all down or be able to verbalize them. Funny thing is I always feel like unloading all those complexities going on in my cranium but then whenever I meet someone I find it impossible to spill it all out. There are so many premature blog entries that I aborted even before I finished my first paragraph... Somehow... even though a storm is brewing in my heart, I stubbornly refuse to unleash it out but keep it contained. 

I went out with an old friend today where we just had a great dinner and nice coffee and talked about life and what became of us since we last met up... This entire holidays had been all about keeping in touch with all those people whom I treasured but failed to do so; forgotten perhaps after layers and layers of cobwebs and dust had covered with the passage of time... But more importantly a time of peace for me to think about a lot of stuff and search for my own voice~ To get to remember who I was and who I've become... finally deciding who I want to be... ...

A lot of us I believe want to go overseas and lead a seemingly carefree and awesome life... I see so many people wanting to go for exchange programmes and having ideas of migrating to some other country. I love vacations too... But it dawned on me that I enjoyed the idea of a vacation more than actually having the vacation itself. A vacation in itself meant leaving all your worries and work behind and starting a fresh life of enjoyment for awhile. Now isn't that splendid? I crave for one such opportunity to release myself from this stressful place filled with hectic people and pressing thoughts to ponder over. But most of all... all the memories that seem to come alive at the simplest things and we can't help playing them back.

I've been having weird dreams that don't make sense. Sometimes... I cannot tell the difference between a premonition and a dream anymore. They confuse me so much...

But I guess the most important thing I learnt this holidays thus far is the importance of taking a back seat and seeing things from a different perspective... I told this old friend of mine this which I came to acknowledge and is slowly digesting...

I guess the secret to life is to acknowledge that we enjoy the idea of something more than we actually enjoy the actual thing. Sometimes... ideas and expectations numb our senses of perception and makes reality a blur. When we become sober, however, it hurts us to know the truth. For instance... we don't want to be in love; we want to be in love in a movie. Because in a movie... effort and hard work always gets appreciated and that everything will be alright. But we all know that's not always the case... We always try to find a solution to everything. That's what we all do. When we meet a problem we solve it like a mathematics question. But then... sometimes... trying to think of a solution when there isn't one is not helping anyone and we'll end up only hurting ourselves when we find ourselves dumb and foolish; weak and useless because of our inability to make things better.

It's hard sometimes to accept things. But I guess... as much as I am trying to learn everyday with a bleeding heart of frigid storms and roaring thunder: The solution to certain things is that there is no solution. Sometimes... doing nothing just makes life better. 

A final note... a picture paints a thousand words... that's the reason why I chose this picture. For within this picture speaks a thousand words of disappointment and regret for a hope and expectation decimated that no words can express which I have come to fear but hold dearly to the heart as what could have been... ... 

The Last Piece On The Shelf

When we go for a crazy discount sale, things just fly off the shelf like hotcakes - Not that hotcakes really sell fast... Just that it is an analogy. But even when things are cheap and things are supposedly identical, it is still in our nature to be picky and to choose the one that is of the best quality among the heap of goods. We compare between X and Y and then choose Y because X has a slight tear or perhaps some discolouration (just a little). At the end of the day... as the tall heap dwindles do we still remember the X that we held in our hands? That much hope each time X is being carried up that it can finally leave this heap and be chosen for not being perfect or better than the others. Yet with each handling his heart dies and gradually drown in a sea of despair from the bitter tears that flow inward...

Don't we get that feeling sometimes? I know I do. I'm not going to bother writing in parables this time round. I'm just going to say it. I feel like my life's a mess. Yes... a mess that is utterly great that the sight of it irritates me. But that doesn't mean I can just lie down and die. No... that way life would have been too easy. So I pick myself up and start clearing the debris and the mess bit by bit. Hoping that with enough time and effort that peace will be restored once again and my eye sight be lucid.

I feel really horrible over what became of that. I felt like you gave up on me even though I didn't really treated you as a very close friend. I don't know why but I feel incredibly disturbed and sad. Yet I could find no words to say anymore... I dare not tell people about this openly... I'm scared that people will just find me annoying if I were forever trapped in some dramatic story of feelings... 

I get really envious of the people around me. I admire their social skills and how easily they are able to blend in with others. It might be self-thought... but sometimes I feel like a dispensable piece of garbage =( I feel rather stupid at the end of the day when I try to organize stuff but people ignore me or turn me down. And when people organize stuff or wanted to go out then I will always be left behind.

It felt like there was a bargain sale and I was being held up and compared from time to time. But in the end I still didn't meet the specifications and so I was thrown back and left behind... Waiting... ... Waiting for... something that never came...

I find it quite ridiculous that I absolutely don't want to share my birth date with others. And yet I complain that people won't remember my birthday when it was myself who was so secretive to begin with. Why is that? I thought for a long time today... I remembered a time when I used to celebrate it with all my closest friends and it made me feel special everytime. But after JC... I had always found myself celebrating it alone (at work or my family). They were the only ones that really cared about me i guess~

I came to a conclusion that I didn't want to divulge it for some reasons. I wanted to test who were my real friends... because I remembered the times when I took so much effort to find out the birthdays of all the people I knew. I remembered them by heart. Even in NS I actually saved the birth dates of all my men in my handphone and made sure to buy nice gifts. Sounds foolish but I wanted people to feel special on their birthdays... And secondly... I wanted to be considerate. Because I know i usually put in quite some effort to plan peoples' birthdays so I didn't want them to waste their time trying hard to reciprocate back the same level. But it's truly an irony...

At the end of the day... I wanted people to know; I didn't want people to know. And every year when that day comes since JC I had cried... just a little. Not trying to be dramatic here. But it's true.

The truth is I keep feeling that nobody would invite me for stuff and nobody would think of me when they want to find someone to hang out and have fun. I'll only come to mind when there is a favor to be sought or when there is something that I can help out with. But who am I to critic on a practical world?

To a certain friend whom I hurt. I'm really sorry... I actually really wanted to what's app a lot of things to ask for forgiveness... But then... it dawned on me that perhaps it is better that you gave up already. Because I don't think I'm a good friend so you're better off not wasting your time and effort for someone like me~

Why is it that... every now and then I always feel like I'm not wanted... 

I hug my dear little teddy bear and asked... 

Fracture

I was watching this movie this afternoon and this particular sentence spoke to me: "Why is it that the chances are so slim but my hopes are higher?"

Don't we all have those moments in life? Don't we all sometimes have so much hope for something that seems so impossible. We try to change ourselves and encourage ourselves that the challenges that we face will drill us to become stronger and better in the future. Sometimes... when we fail we fall face down and just don't feel like getting up. We just feel like resting in the dirt for awhile. When we look up we see a long path ahead and then we question ourselves as to the reason behind walking this path that doesn't seem to end.

What are we most afraid of? I'm afraid that people will tell me that there's nothing wrong with me. Because every time I try so hard to change. But things just don't work out it gives me hope that if I tried harder and tried to change myself even more then things would turn out alright in the end. But what if people tell me that there's nothing wrong with me to begin with? =( It is cruel reality that there is no hope... that there always will be things that cannot be... dreams that cannot be...

You have the bucket of sand that can douse the campfire... A hope that burns... but if need be please... extinguish~