I keep thinking of what I should be doing now; what I should be doing next; and what I ought to be doing 2-3 years from now. Just today when I was in the midst of my night running I thought about a lot of things... particularly my hopes and dreams of the future: What I wanted to see myself doing in a few years time... but more importantly if I am on track to those end goals I have~
If there is one thing that I hated most about business school is the fact that I have so many group projects happen simultaneously. The effort, relationship management and the commitment you put in is always so stressful as opposed to doing some final exam - when do or die is your own responsibility. Of late, I doubt my worth in project group works - not to say that I do not put in effort. Seriously... when it comes to group projects I am always very committed because the last thing I want to do is cause other people to be unhappy or fail because of me :(
Rather... I doubt my contributions because I feel that my spirit is no longer in tact~
I love to entertain and I especially love to do presentations in fun and interesting ways. In fact... as much as slides designing is extremely stressful (because I need to impress) I always enjoy making vibrant and exciting looking slides. I feel my contributions are dwindling because the path to my hopes and dreams seem to not include a business degree as a flag point... Sometimes... I feel unworthy and guilty for holding onto the NUS business school's scholarship because they have effectively invested money into a guy who will not graduate to bring the business world to new heights; I also feel doubly bad because my receipt of the scholarship might have robbed someone more deserving~ Either ways... I always did feel bad especially since my grades are not spectacular and I live my life 'happy-go-lucky' style... probably not one will expect of an up and coming businessman no? =X
I want to learn the ways of the culinary... make my own portfolio and become a pastry chef. I had always known I liked cooking when I helped out my mum (as opposed to my sister) in the kitchen since I was in primary school and having learned all my mum's signature Chinese dishes. But I was weak... I admit it... I was WEAK... I tossed my hopes and dreams of becoming a chef because:
1) My dad is a traditional Chinese dad who did not tolerate any forms of feminism in his son;
2) I was doing very well academically and peer pressure dictated the stereotypical: businessman, doctor or lawyer route;
3) It was unconventional
I regret it now though... so for the first time in my life... I went to buy a whole set of baking equipment and an expensive professional oven without my parent's consent 3 months ago and started embarking on the right path to my hopes and dreams. But why transition to the sweet from the savoury? All because of one movie and one line:
This one line in Mean Girls the movie... which I watched when I was in Secondary School was so hilarious that the cinema erupted in laughter. I laughed as well because it was meant for comedic effect... but at the same time... I wished that I could be like her! I want to be a pastry chef because desserts have this wonderful ability to make people happy... Just looking at a beautiful cake brings smiles... and while the things I bake may not really contain rainbows and unicorns... I hope that by making my own sweet creations with plenty of smiles and colourful feelings that people who taste it can taste the difference so that they too can eat and be happy :)
I don't know what lies ahead anymore... I am working hard and baking new creations at least once a week now and intending to make a portfolio or apprenticeship applications during school vacations. I don't want to fight for internships with the intense biz kids anymore... It ain't easy but more importantly it ain't what I want... My duty to all my groupmates I will always fulfill... always... don't worry yea~
