There are just questions that we cannot find answers for; there are just answers that we can never seem to reconcile with... Even though such questions bother us from time to time... we still continue to move on with this uncertainty or perhaps a certainty that some things are always meant to be certain. I live in a world of black and white... Because I can never understand how someone can live with something not quite here and there... To me everything is just either black or white. Does this mean that I'm simple? Perhaps too naive and stubborn to change my ways and grow up to be an adult who can deal with the shades and hues of grey.
Yet I talk to my little bear bear every night. As I lay myself to sleep each time, I talk to him because at the back of my head I doubt the existence of god and so find no reason to even pray to him when it might just be as well that I talked to myself. I refuse to believe in something that is neither black nor white. And god is one of those grey areas... I'll never be able to survive without the evidence to prove to me that god is real. Or at least the fact the the religion in itself offers the 'truth'.
Even as we trudge through each and every single day. I find that I've long thrown away my sword and my shield. I stand bare bodied and empty handed as I face the battlefield. A decent amount of time had lapsed and I find myself learning and changing each and every day. I wonder if a lot of things on mind are actually known by those around me. There were so many times when I really really wanted to spill some of my feelings but decided that nobody really liked that so I kept it to myself. Ultimately... I know what I am feeling and I know what I should do. I need no one to affirm my actions and most importantly I do not need anyone to affirm how I feel or ought to feel.
Someone asked me if what I am feeling is warranted? I asked myself this question for a few days already and I have not yet come to a conclusion. But all I ever know and all I really feel is... a strong believe and a hope that glimmers like a diamond in the coal pile. Even though it still hurts from time to time and most of the time I'm actually covering my wounds with my hands that are unseen... I move on hoping the next day will be better. Also patting myself at the back before I sleep each time... "don't give up mian... because it is important".
Will resentment be ever so prominent that goes unwavering~ To guard against someone...
It may never ever mean anything even if I tried and left myself vulnerable to be destroyed and crushed. But at least if I go down... I will go down knowing... and showing that my sincerity is purer than anything else as much as it is the way I cherish~
