A Praise To The Deaf and The Blind

I told myself over the long rest period- the refractory period which I swore to rediscover myself and to hence pick myself up and strode ahead. The weekend was full of fun. I met up with great friends and they listened to what I had to say... It really didn't matter what their advices were- whether it was sagely or just around the bush. It was the fact that they cared to listen and showed they cared. That made me feel comforted that somewhere outside this camp I still have good friends to live for.

Yet when I came in... It suddenly became harder by ten fold. Took a few long and cleansing breaths before I even dared to step out of the door into the fourth storey level. I realise as I walk pass the doors my ears were deliberately straining to listen out for the voice and my heart was occupied with how I were to react if I do see him or the rest. I thought I was doing fine... and I told a good friend my mine that I won't talk about this any more. Whatever I feel I will keep it to myself and write it all down here where only I can see and I understand.

Truth as it is... Just now when I was walking down that long corridor and bypassed that faithful room I heard his voice. It hurts me to know that whatever dramatic clauses that I made were in fact true. All that drama which I thought were made for effect were ever so true. All the more my decision should stand... My painful decision or maybe it was just necessary... to fade away from a group of friends I once saw as a clique because I know full well that no good will come of it... You see... two warring worlds can never collide. Just like 2 like poles of a magnet can never be forced together. One of them would have to give way and be repelled off. I chose to leave because... If I didn't then that clique would forever be trapped in awkwardness and miss everything they were supposed to be doing...

Who am I? Who am I to ask them to choose between me and him when I already know what the answer would be. =/ So I choose to leave first before that verdict is passed and I end up with even more agony and pain. I glance upon their happiness together... A world where I don't exist and that it should be if I just died in a car accident. They really look happy together. I'm the intruder. I'm not able to give what they need. I can't make them happy like he can. And more importantly I'm nothing but trouble.

That is why no matter how hard the going gets... I can't turn back. I need to tell myself that and make sure I drill it in... I need to drill this in... Feel sad about it? definitely. But no one gives a damn except yourself so suck it up a little and take it all in. I'm not sure... what will happen in days to come, whether bottling up too much sorrow behind the facade would give catastrophic effects. The one thing I know now...

I lost a friend I considered the best... I tried to mend the cracks... Only to discover that cracks are like scars on the face... I wept a river of tears that led me to a bunch of good friends... Time goes on... he and the good friends get along... Shadows long I hid in and confided... Alas I decided to fade with the shadows... With a bitter taste... But a smiley face... My heart bleeds on...