By day I went to classes trying to tell myself that I am a strong independent individual and that things will work out in the end. I was tired of constantly letting the people around me down so I told myself that if I tried to not show how much pain I was feeling that with enough practice then perhaps I would feel less unhappy too... But it was a lie... it is a lie... at the end of the day when I go to my room and shut myself from the world I talk to my teddy bear. I told people that my teddy bear talks to me and that he writes letters but it was all a lie... I watch my noticeboard, pinned up with so many lessons I learnt only to feel heartache. For 2 days I bottled up painful emotions and for the 3rd day I erupted because it was a container that could not be filled anymore...
I cried and prayed that if there really is a god: where is he now? Show me a sign to let me know that he can hear me; show me a sign to let me know that I have hope ahead of me... When people tell me that there is so much to look forward to I was honest I said that I could see little in the dark that I am facing now... I don't have a single motivation for anything~ I felt useless and worthless... being constantly given up again and again by the people that mattered the most...
I wanted to cry so badly but I told myself that I wanted to contain it. But even as I said that I involuntarily walk towards the room of someone else... talked like I was fine. But hugged a friend and just couldn't help but scream: "I'm very very sad..."... And then I ran away and cried and cried... so much that my eyes could not keep up and I felt the weight of the world crushing down on me... I felt that there was no other way...
It is to laugh that I thought putting a plastic bag around your head while you slept that you would die peacefully. But it was not... It was a totally different experience of pain that I had to go through to feel completed suffocated and gasping for air until I could not take it but remove the bag... So I cried the night away because I felt so much hurt I just did not want any more pain anymore...
I WANTED to sleep so badly... yet I could not sleep even a wink. I hid beneath my computer desk just wishing that the night will pass soon or that I'll be tired enough to fall dead away... The world suddenly seemed to scary... Because I know that if I left my room I will see people and things that just give me even greater pain than I already have... I'm so tired... I don't want to feel anymore pain anymore...
I shouted out in my heart... and prayed that if god really exists that he'll let those that matter to me know that I am dying or maybe just dead inside... like a drowning kid shouting for help for a hand to lift up from the waters below...
I lost my voice overnight, I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel dizzy and my neck and shoulders ache like crazy... there was no way I could bring myself to go to class... because I could never stop crying and looking in this wretched state... I just wanted to hide... and get some sleep... because I hadn't had any... perhaps... for 4 years already... ...
"I'm very very very sad... ..."
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