Ignorance

His words were pinpoint accurate. Probably because I never thought him capable of using such vocabulary but he was right. It was never me being naive. Perhaps... just stubbornly ignorant. Because I wanted to live in my own fantasy when nothing were true from the start. 'We are best friends' and even 'We were best friends'... None of it were true and this time round compared to shunjie's time I guess I felt ready. I should have saw it coming I guess... Or maybe I always knew... Because somehow I seem cursed with these stupid feelings and behaviors...

He said I was gay. Why was I not surprised? And even though when it struck I almost thought I would die... I really didn't know what to think... I never lied because I didn't know. Where did Zhao Mian go? The one with so much drive and energy. With so much optimism. He seemed to have disappeared since last time he got hurt.

It's really not his fault. The fault is all mine. I really wish... I could go back to that time... When all was good again. And I was so strong... And proud... Of all my abilities... I promise myself now... I would listen to Corina. and this time I fucking should listen. Becuz FUCK U Zhao Mian. When will u finally learn about urself? To let it go... becuz it's something u were never meant to have... ... at all...