Avoidibility

So how far will hiding take me? I stare stare at my phone for almost half a day... As I ponder about things... Taking lonely bus rides home and I pop in my mp3 I hear songs that bring back memories... I see sights that tingle my senses... What are all these I'm seeing? =/

But then again... I kept my own promise to myself... To nvr ever find anybody to talk about it anymore yea... And so far I kept it strong... Saw this show about some group of fanatic believers that feel this dire need to belief in god and that without a god to worship they will die... Sort of reminds me of somethings I used to do... Reliance and dependence... And in the end... Painful? surely it is... Even now... I still feel the pain emnating from the scars... But I'm still alive aren't I? Humans dun die so easily...

Not that I wanna die or anything... Just there are times... Times... ... I wonder to myself everyday this burning question if I should do something or not... Becuz if i said I dun care I would be lying... I care... I care so much... Still care as much and THAT much... And I feel this growing worry as days passby... If I should do something and that if it turns out I am just some fool that thinks help is needed then I live the shame and downward spiral of pride... that at least my mind will be at ease...

Tell myself no more emotional attachments... To release the soul and be greedy for myself... And a lesson of all lessons... that not everything is about yourself... Other people have lives too... And really I am just this insignificant being... for now at least... Until I become some world renowned person then perhaps I would be more of a dot than a pin head thin....

I seriously need to do something about myself... And really thinking and saying and planning is never enough... It is all about the action... That people say going is action while others see it as action is going... and I better start going now or my action will be leaving =///

Whatever I do... from now onwards will pave the path to my near and distant future... One false move and its checkmate for me... One precise gesture and suddenly the chessboard is my playing field. The word right now? Ambivalent... ... Apathetic too but somewhat it's both good and bad...

I'm obviously hiding behind everything now and hiding behind my own lies and fantasy drugs... Hindering my own potential and hazing up my own vision. She's right... I'm no ambitious. I used to thought I were... yea... the word is 'Used to'. And I used to drink milk from a bottle... and used to have so many things... But I look back now... not gonna use cheesy quotes from song lyrics as i see people describe as 'nostalgic' or 'a film without sound'. Instead I will say this... short and sweet... Wow... ... Awesome man...

Crude? yes... Ironic? hahaha... Sarcastic...? Richer than the wealthiest man alive I swear... ... Have just one of those dreams just yesterday night... What does it all mean? And now it is to decide as with everyone always had a choice... Which me do i want to keep and make it the real me... face it people... That there is never such a thing as the 'real' me. There is only such a thing as what u want the 'real' me to be... U crafted yourself from stage one... poised yourself for suicidal leaps from roofs as tall as skyscrappers or plan a slow ascent to heavean early in life... u decide it... u dictate it...

No one owes anyone a living... neither is there ever grievance that will rest... when certain people are simply just that bit lucky to have everything one doesn't have... I hate the politically correct answer of: That's life... ... Bullshit man... Let me think about it... I'll comment in the next post when I think of it...

But for now... one things for sure... Moments when I suddenly feel like crying are getting aplenty... =/// But a good mask hides it all right? I hate my class... if people get why... dun take it personal.... it's me... =//