Disappointed In Myself

Counting the days to A levels with my own hands... It seems so close by, yet something in me says there's still time. Disappointed with myself, that I continue to procrastinate as I see people around me work hard and even harder... I have big dreams, but little action. And it is never that dreaming big earns big rewards... it never was that way...

I wake up every morning with that tiny excuse to myself, as with other things I have told myself to do... That to-do list always put off to tomorrow... It's never ever the day after tomorrow... but forever the day afterwards and then afterwards... I don't really know what I am doing to my life anymore or how I intend to live on...

That these past week I have just been playing the day away... and seriously i mean it, zero work at all... Nothing! Flip through or read the notes? No either... not a sentence from a single page... and I know I am getting rusty from how I think my chemistry is starting to suck... And now I see the days ahead... Just 2 weeks and so much that should have been done... I wonder if it's too late... And even later to realise it now than ever before... The evil of temptation... Really.... I rather be a hardworking chap than someone who idles around and thinks he is smart and all and that somehow things always turn out fine...

If life was a gamble... in the truest of sense, the be it 50% I plunder under it all... I wish I had the motivation of last time, and I know it's inside somewhere... I'm constantly making empty promises, but all on impulse and only it meant it at that moment I said it... But time proves it wrong... as it errodes and crumbles into dust and I just tell myself... I give up...

I wonder if in the following remaining two weeks I would say I give up... probably wouldn't but would i be deceiving myself? Because I get complacent and take it easy...

I just wanna depend on myself now... ... because I can do everything in myself... dependency is a weakness and so are lots of things... I'm absurdly jealous of dependence... but that kind of envy will never get me anything... I imagine all day things my mind create, that maybe things won't even be how i thought it up...

Tomorrow alright? I'll say ok... But I just wanna start now... no more tomorrow... I'll start this instant even though its late, just a little will do and then continue tomorrow... This way today... TODAY will finally be the NEW tomorrow...

Jealous as always...