Lights Out

I wonder if anyone remembers this picture... it's late in the night again... And somehow I saw something which brings back memories... Some documents in the computer I guess I shldn't open again because it evokes a tidal wave of emotions. Feel sucky now. Even the lights in my room got spoilt and now I'm typing in the dark... =/

I just start to see so many things when times have ended... what could have been and would have been... But now no more. Would it make myself or anyone else feel just a little better if I said it's my fault? It weighs heavily down on my masquerading heart, whenever I see such things that make me remember wounds so deep...

I wonder if this would be one of those nights I would cry to sleep again... It's been a week since it happened, but haha feel kinda funny now. Feel overwhelming feelings getting barracaded from exploding out. Like a whirpool in the middle of a huge reservoir whose walls now look shakey and frail. Perhaps I shld destroy everything that will make me remember... yet everytime I can't bring myself to delete them or chuck them away...

The truth still lies... I wish for the impossible. Though I know pretty well... everyone has got their lives going on. I'm not the worst case i know. Neither am I worth pity becuz so many others haven probably gone through what I've been through and survived. And of course I agree that i won't die... physicallly that is... but I died, a part of me inside which made me change my whole perception of the world. You know... The world is a selfish place. It's as realistic as you think. No rather... it is more realistic than you think. as much as we call humans sophisticated and a notch above the beasts, we are no different in our behavior. it's survival of the fittest in this perilous worlds, where wolves are masquerading sheeps in the flock, and people around you make you feel like that black sheep in the sea of snowy white.

I shld be selfish and less willing to help in any way I can. For one, not everybody will appreciate it, and two becuz it is foolish to do so at my own expense. I like to brag, that's a fact. I hate to lose, that's a fact of all facts. and as I type this post, this provocative posting, i feel a rushing sense of nostalgia and anger welling inside...

I won't deny the thing I feel now... I feel like crying... ... But I dun want to have pimples, as tears on the face can cause pimples... =/// I'll hold it in for as long as I can, yet it seems futile... To control yourself is a reign on a wild horse... i wonder... why ppl fight if they know they are going to lose... ... sadded... may tears wet our pillows tonight... =(