I was asking someone a few days ago... what it means to grow up, and then when we grow up do we change? whether that change was innate or shaped by the environment. I have been experiencing negative changes in myself... At the end of the day when all the mood swings fade away as quickly as they arrived, I start to feel disgusted at myself and wonder if I am wrong to blame these changes in myself on that 'incident' that still haunts me till this day. I fear with my greatest of fears perhaps this is the real me. Because when I look at my mum and my dad. It seems I inherited non of their character traits. But nowadays I see my father's violent nature start to appear in me and I hate it...I start to see my capricorn self start to diminish as my moon sign gemini starts to take over. Maybe it seems funny, but then I start to fear interactions with people as much as I fear myself. I'm so afraid I will explode on someone, and then I ask myself if hanging out with people how many masks have I put on anyways... it all boils down towards the end I guess... I am anti-social and this is a fact. I start to wonder seriously you know... If I am slightly neurotic, because I am so bad at human interactions.
I see F3 and I asked myself how on Earth I managed to join them when I am so much a black sheep in that group of people. I am not bubbly, not a social butterfly, shy and quiet, and saddest thing is I realise I dun really play unless that play is some kind of work like a project or something. I suppose I'm destined to be a loner, but I'm not gonna complain about that, because ppl will just say its my own choice and I face up to that. I'm changing... I feel it and see it. I no longer like to talk to people about things. I keep everything to myself and prefer to give ppl the cold shoulders.
I'm afraid to get into a strong frenship. I am afraid to have a bgr. I'm afraid of change. Just suddenly wanted to be left all alone and wish people dun talk to me at all. I feel this wintry frost of loneliness and some weird sensation but sort of find that to my liking. I guess I'm meant to be solitudinal or at least that's my character. until then what I keep to be once golden friends, I start to ponder as well. feelings waver and I have this urge to just stray away from everyone and maybe with time these golden frens will forget me as much as I want to forget them. But then again... I think I'm thinking too highly again of myself. Who cares about me anyways? For ppl studies probably is number 1 because their future is at stake. It's natural you know. People have priorities and I guess my priorities are different then...
Gaining weight is not helping one bit as it makes me wanna coop myself at home all day. Being fat is an embarassment and I am too embarassed to go workout and stuff. I know this sounds pathetic... =/ Because ppl surely will scold and say to accomplis something you must make the first step. And then again... I dun think people understand. I mean OMG take a look around me and I quickly realise I am the only person having this problem so how can I imagine people to understand. Perhaps they do u know... But I can't understand... =///
Dun even really think people visit this blog anymore. I think I'm gonna delete it for good. Neither do I think I wanna see other people's blogs le bah... Becuz reading them though doesn't sting as much as attacks from the past still hurt to have a flash of the past, feeling at the present and then a thought of the future... A trip to Malaysia... Tried my luck and to my surprise I could still make it... But I start to feel colder and colder and somehow drifted... Sounds sad... I feel so... But actually enjoy this sad feeling. At least it cleans my guilt and my remorse and my feeling of uselessness and unmotivated...
I wanna work hard for that Malaysia trip. Becuz... ... I dun want people to see me as a failure as much as I feel so that way... I wanna be a quiet soul and lonely... With fear I'm wary of my actions and emotions. I no longer enjoy human interactions like last time. Neither do I like sharing thought with people, feelings too unless really wanna explode. Starting to enjoy the company of that presence in my room... It should know me the most... seeing me go through everything silently... I guess silence needs no expression, Just the way I like it...
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