It's Raining Outside

Are rainy days really that gloomy? Somehow... the whole setting is such that it nurtures thoughts deep inside me. Especially as I am I sitting on a long bus ride and peering out of the car window. Children in their rain coats playing in the rain; Aunties under their colorful umbrellas; the Bangladesh worker running for shelter... I wondered why... as I sat in that bustling bus on my way home... why things would hurt me so bad?

If I were to see things from an outside perspective I would have probably labelled myself a drama king... and yet I had to feel this way: So extreme and self-inflicting =/ I am a man of pride and I feel utterly useless when faced with my own evidences of shame. I just couldn't tell people the truth- the truth that I had an epic fail. And time and again... I have learnt by now that lying is only the postponing of the inevitable.

I thought I did well today... Though I'm pretty sure when I go back to my Squadron tomorrow they're going to make me feel like I've never tried =X I can't... rather I couldn't blame them for being appalled... =/// For so long I really wanted so badly to tell someone about this traumatizing phase... but yesterday when I was about to tell that someone... something hurtful happened T.T So in the end... ... In the end I guess I am still alone in this war against the world.

I woke up from yesterday with eyes so dry... It had been an awful night and I felt I hardly slept a wink. Even though I told myself that it wasn't fully my fault that things happened. I just couldn't help it but conclude that I'm just a jinx to people's lives~~~ So I made a new promise to myself: To become a mute at least for a time... ...

It's raining outside... but I'm well protected under this shelter I call home... But inside my heart I still am weeping bitter tears... and yet I still couldn't tell why it had to rain =/ Why in the midst of the crowd when the rain was pouring... if any kind soul would offer me a hand or shade... Because I fell like a klutz... drenched and cold~~