At the end of the rainbow

Is there really a right or wrong out there? Like a rainbow... wherever it starts and where it ends... do we really know? Even if we did... does it really matter? Do we have to think so much as to who started things and why things have to end that way when right in front of us is just this beautiful rainbow for us to admire?

I don't understand why is it that whenever I have to make decisions that involve people I have to be so fickle and I can't make up my mind~~~

I wanted a win-win situation so that everybody would be happy~ I didn't mind trying or going the extra mile even if it meant sacrificing my own time and effort. At the end of the day... I rather things were never resolved or concluded. I just wanted a state where everybody was content... Because that way I would be content too... But I think everybody would have realized by now that we all have to make choices. When we weigh them we only see that whatever decision we make we lose part of ourselves for we have to give up an option for ourselves...

Did I do a wrong thing when what I thought I did was not wrong? When things were accomplished in the end. Does the process really matter as long as everyone were happy with it? Would it help if someone had to come in and create misery out of this perfect set-up~~~

I thought the plan had gone well... I didn't think anything much and celebrated the fact that everybody worked together and evaded a disaster. It was only when I finally got back to tower did I receive the phone call that twisted everyone's fate towards the negative end. =/ To the person who had to sell us out... I really tried to be angry with you for the betrayal. But when I put my feet into your shoes I understood how you must have felt so I didn't blame you at all... But I too had gone through the same thing before: So why is it that I still couldn't sell them out? =X I wonder what was in your mind then... though I will never blame you~~

Why do good men have to sacrifice and try to play hero. Say things like they will protect you from harm as much as possible. When sometimes people who are protected like myself would rather say: stop~~~ because it hurts me to see people wanting so hard to protect people but at the expense of their own well-being. Can we all just stop this madness of I die and save the rest? T.T

It makes me really sad just seeing it-- let alone think about it. If one of us has to face the music, I will never allow it such that I am the only one left unscathed. Perhaps people would say that I'm foolish... but should 2 people fall just so I could remain standing... I won't allow that =/ I rather all of us die together because I didn't think any of this was wrong. And if we had to be faulted it would be together.

I made that decision the moment I didn't sell people out... So all I need is that much conviction. I don't want to be so weak anymore. Like water- so accomodating. I want to prove a point and make a stand instead of always just staying silent and taking the blows just so I can keep the peace. I dun care anymore... I just gave up~ I gave up tolerating this chaos...

Too many things have happened that have made me think very deeply about who I am and what I want to do in life... And I believe they all happened for a reason. I dunno what is the greatest takeaway all this will be- how it will change me when I go into the working world and have my own children.

One things for sure... I know full well that I will never stop trying to help as long as I'm able. It is my nature; my habit; it is me...

If I could turn back time... I would still have done everything I've done.

But right now... ... right here... I'm crying... ... T.T Wishing someone would hear. because there was this instance today when I suddenly remembered that dream and wanted to say it. Only to remember I said I would be a mute =X I really wonder... when I can walk out of this rain cloud again... I'm suffering so much internally =(((