Fragile Beauty Frozen In Time

Do you believe in karma? That if we do things all the right way and never do anything that will stain our conscience and integrity that we will be free from all bad-comings... ... What about someone who really tried very hard to be a good person... even though along the rocky road of life there will bits and pieces when that trying was compromised because of many many things... Would that still be a clean slate?

Does it always pay to be a nice person? Or perhaps in myself trying to think of the 'payment' I'm already having the wrong thinking =/ I can never ever get angry at people no matter how hard I try... At the end of the day I only feel really hurt that certain things have to be done in certain ways and that people had to get hurt in the process =/ Last thing I ever wanted... was... to see people getting into trouble because of me~~~ Days could pass but my guilt would take my sleep ransom and my happiness stolen from me~ I can never do anything bad even if I tried... bad in a sense that I would bring harm to people. That much I'm sure I can't =/

When will I be that lucky to find the four leaf clover in the vast field ahead of me... Fortune usually comes to those that never look too far. But in my relentless search for happiness and friendships... I wonder if I lost myself somewhere. Was this ever the way to start this? =X Or was I misguided from the beginning.... ...

Bad things that happen... how do people manage to keep it all outside when I've already have been attacked left, right, bottom and top down... with so many holes and wounds for things to come in... I wish I could forget all those things... But when I'm all alone on that bus ride home, lying in bed facing the ceiling... those frozen memories in time come to me. And I dun understand why... just that those happy memories bring not joy but more sorrow for a lost happiness frozen only at one time... and only playable for playback in my memories in black and white; never colour~~

Those lost happiness... it really really added so much salt to my wounds. I begged for the day to end just so I could go to sleep and I wouldn't have to think anymore... I still occasionally shed a tear or two throughout the day... ... when I'm all alone and wonder if things would have changed if I had been a much more better person than I am now~~ Am I okay? =S

I dunno... I really really dun... ... but I dun really think so =////

I'm going to disappear this weekend... ...