I still wonder why... everday the facts I try so hard to drill into myself... The fact of life is unfair... The fact that my bro doesn't feel the same anymore... The fact that no one will believe me... And the fact that no one will understand me, because only I myself will understand myself...
I can't... ... I can't really voice out much if it would cause that much unhappiness... That unhappiness stems from the fact that it is a contagious plaque and whoever spreads it is a sinner... I'M SERIOUSLY NOT HAPPY... ... =((( And not because angry or because of all these facts... I just dun feel happy anymore... ... But then... I remember someone says... 'You unhappy you come find me. Then when I XXX I come find who? YOU? zzzz :@' Yea who am I kidding? Who will truely help other people when they need to help themselves... I wanna tell myself I have value in this world... Yet everyday with each passing moment I feel my existence fade into the background and my worth plummet like a stockmarket crash.
I wonder... though if anyone cares... ? =( Because I feel myself sinking and I can't get up... Only thing holding me onto this world is rapidly dissociating... And I know my bro is probaby mad at me... I screwed his test... And when the moment comes... and I feel so absolutely horrible... I wanted to screw my bio test so that I can feel the same pain... Yet he got madder... T.T But my mind is set... Let's screw... ... Not because for him only... but also because... I feel this is of no value... that even if I failed... it won't matter? And winnie... you can finally win... Infact I'll let you win everything now... I'm so tired with life... Because... when I truely wanted to work for something all my life... I was passionate and above all an optimist but things changed... as I find myself sobbing to a pillow every night asking god if he would hear... ...
And I wanna hide at home... and never come to school again... But I feel so much better in school... because it is home where all the acting begins... when I have to act like nothing is wrong when my whole life is wrong...and it's the single MOST horried feeling when you have to pretend nothing is wrong... T.T At least in school I can feel sad and dun need to be a superb actor... Friends... ... I feel like an outcast.... ... Sometimes...dun be so good to me... Just leave me alone... Becuz I feel so uneasy when I feel so worthless yet you all still treat me like that... =(
I wanna shun away from everyone.... and my nature pushes me to find people to seek help... my dependency... but after today... and what happens to my bro... I am more than convinced I am a jinx... ... suicidal thoughts plaque me everyday... How carbon monoxide toxicity interests me so much when Dr Gan says it is that lethal and fast... ... I feel my appetite failing everyday... I dunno why... ... But I feel so full yet I wanna eat so much and end up vomitting late in the night when everyone is asleep... when my weird feasting begins late at night...
I look into the mirror... And I dun recognise the new me... ... I'm a pathetic soul and I am not just thinking that up... I feel like starving myself to death... Or maybe just something I can do to gain people's attention... because I feel so alone... and I am feeling so unhappy... and upset...
I'm sorry bro... If u are ever reading this... ... I wish I could die too... maybe just walk down a road and get hit by a car... Or get a heartattack and just roll over and die... I wanna die so much... Never felt this way before... ... I still see our past and I shudder... and feel cracks in my already hollowed heart... How you can forget everything...
I feel hatred... For my life and everything in it... I hate my family... I hate my friends... I hate the pain... I hate the unfairness... and I hate myself above all... Everything is my fault... My fault... And the only person i dun feel hate is my bro... ... I feel indebted... I ask myself why I have to do so much faults...
I shout in silence like a mute... SAVE ME SAVE ME!!! But I only hear myself like an echo in the distant wind... ... Won't anyone believe me... and make me feel... ...There is something worth living for... and not myself... becuz I am worthless...
No comments:
Post a Comment