I left home tonight becuz I just couldn't take a freakin more second in this madhouse. I really hate my family. I'm serious. And it's not just one day I come walking and say I hate them. To me that's just angry at the moment. But this has lasted awhile since all the troubles begun. It has reached such an extent that I no longer wish to speak to them at all. I spend my days speaking less than 10 sentences a day to all of them... At home I just wanna be alone. I won't go into their space. So I hope they dun come into my space at all... =/I just realised walking alone at night on the lonely road is so relaxing and calming. Really enjoyed the cool night air and silent road. Initially wanted to go for an ice cream at MacDonalds but I was so unlucky that today it had to be closed early for the monthly sterilisation. So i grabbed an apple cider at 7-eleven instead... I must have walked all the way to my old home. And I was so shocked that it changed so much. It was already so different from afar. And when i wanted to go up the block to see my old unit again I was surprised that the lift was now so high-tech.
In the past my lift only had three buttons. Now it could go to all floors. Stepped out of the lift and was rather afraid that ppl might think I'm some theif lurking outside their homes since it was past midnight le. The ppl in our unit apparently were still not asleep =.= I could hear them talking and they even left the door open. But I dared not take a peek at my old home cuz later they see me will seriously think I'm some stalker or something...
Toured around my neighbourhood... And I always watched those drama shows when u will see visions of ur past self going through those places. And seriously I did. Even took a turn to visit my primary school... The playground I used to go to. and the park I used to hang out everyday on my bicycle when I was young. I wanted to say that everything changed but me... But I just thought as I was walking that if everyone said that then nobody will have changed =.= So seriously I changed so much... I used to love my family. I used to go out on family outings with them and be all nice and all... But now I look at my grown up self... I guess this all just means... This is the adult me. One who is a loner and quiet and just not close to the family...
I look forward to NS so much... everyday I pray that the day will come soon... I wish to take a vacation from my family =/ I wanna go faraway and nvr come back for awhile until all that hatred is gone. =X And through NS if only I can meet someone and like ppl say the best of buddies to make me forget all the misery that's been going on so far...
I slapped myself a couple of times on my way back... thinking of the small quest for the BIG why... See ppl at night walking tgt as couples. And to note is that most ppl who hang out at night so late are the malays and the malay guys to be specific. Not being racist but that's really what I saw. And also at midnight the cleaning crew actually comes to sterilise our busstops everyday. seriously... they come in a van that has the anti-germ spray and all. I guess I would nvr have known if I nvr went walking today...
Feel kinda sad though... depressed... and lost for words to talk. Just wanna be quiet and enjoy the sound of the crickets and the fan blowing at me now. I was just laying down on a bench downstairs just now after the whole journey thinking about how sad the answer to the BIG why was... =/// when my dad appeared and told me go back cuz I left the house without a word for a few hours... So here I am typing right now... If only... if only... I had a buddy i suddenly realise who would go on a night adventure like this with me too one day...
And another matter on my mind... still confused and reluctant... feel sad... but i really wonder whether I'm sad of the former or latter or something else entirely... I just know... I wanna sleep now... I feel really emo... so i hope i wake up to a new mood =/
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